


These Healing Wounds

by ObsidianRomance



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Bleeding, C-Section, Difficult Pregnancy, Hand Jobs, Heartache, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of kissing, M/M, Riding, Rimming, Schmoop, bareback, bottom!Jared, cute baby, doctor!Jensen, mention of the death of OMC, mpreg!jared, nurse!Jared, top!Jensen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-02-03 21:56:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 44,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1757967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObsidianRomance/pseuds/ObsidianRomance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dr. Jensen Ackles is running away from a past that haunts him, runs as far north as Maine in hopes of forgetting the death of his husband and unborn child. He expects to shut down his feelings and throw himself into his new job at Mount Desert Island Hospital but literally running into nurse Jared Padalecki alters everything.<br/>Jared is dealing with his own struggles and a complicated pregnancy, leaving both of them wounded and wanting to keep their distance despite the obvious connection. But when forces are at work that can’t stop Jensen from coming to Jared’s rescue, keeping their distance is a bit more tricky. Terrified of what can go wrong, and even more intimidated by what can go right, Jared and Jensen figure out a way to get a hold of the future they've been hoping for and if they are strong enough to claim.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Artist:**[Demondetox](http://archiveofourown.org/users/demondetox/pseuds/demondetox) ([Art Master Post](http://demondetox.livejournal.com/51392.html))  
>  **Beta:** [Demondetox](http://archiveofourown.org/users/demondetox/pseuds/demondetox) (She is so amazing and is as much a part of this story as I am. She helped me smooth out A LOT of bumps in the road and gave me the confidence to actually finish this whole big journey in a time of my life when I couldn't remember left from right. Some of these ideas are taken directly from conversations we had. She is just a godsend and I love my wifey to itty bitty pieces. You can't have her. She's mine. *growls protectively*)  
>  **Prompt (from spn_meanttobe):** Dr. Ben Richardson is trying to make yet another new start, this time in the emergency department at a Melbourne hospital. It's been nearly four years since he lost his wife and unborn child—and he still hasn't let go. So it comes as quite a surprise to him when his eye is drawn to a beautiful pregnant woman on the beach.  
>  When Ben realizes Celeste is a nurse at the hospital, he wants to keep his distance. She reminds him too much of all he's lost. But Celeste is clearly facing this challenging pregnancy alone, and Ben can't help coming to her rescue. Being with her to deliver her premature baby girl finally makes him realize there's a future for him right here after all—if he's prepared to risk enough to claim it...  
>  **Author's Note:** Thank you so much for reading this story. I hope you liked it. It is based on a romance novel post so I have a lot of those mushy gushy love feelings thrown into the angst and drama. I feel like this fic is like a baby I have been pregnant with for so long and I can't wait to have it out of me and into the world. I love my little (big?) collaboration with Demondetox and plan on giving you more timestamps for this verse because it is too tempting.
> 
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> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/14374817825/)  
> 

 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/14374446154/)

Jensen hasn’t truly been in an emergency room since…since the last time he was in one four years ago. He can’t bring himself to think about that day, even years later. It’s just a moment that is locked in a vault and thrown into the darkest corner of his memory to gather cobwebs. He’d gotten by with working at emergency clinics but now he decided, if the vault is safely locked, it’s been long enough.

With a fresh start in a new town, Jensen hopes he can leave the past in the past and get on with what he’s wanted to do for his entire life: help people.

It may have been a bit drastic, moving across the country, but Jensen needed to leave his hometown in Dallas and all the memories that had attached themselves to that town. He knows his parents aren’t going to let up on giving him grief but it’s something he needed to do for himself and they’ll give up when they realize it’s what’s best for him.

Bar Harbor, Maine is anything but Texas. It’s a different world as far as Jensen’s concerned but that was the plan after all. Seeing that it’s summer and he’s a little chilled, he’s not sure how he’s going to handle winter but he guesses he’ll have to adapt.

Mount Desert Island Hospital hired him on the spot, without a face to face interview. Jensen guesses they’re either hurting for qualified staff or he really is as good of a doctor as everyone says he is. Maybe they need each other just as much and he’s not going to question that.

He moved into town a week ago, and having not bothered to pack up his old house, he spent the week furnishing his new one. There is a lot of work to do and he’ll get there but the tediousness of home making is put on hold for his actual job. He never thought he’d be so happy to be on the starting end of a long shift, but he hoped throwing himself into work would stop his brain from wandering back to Dallas.

Everything at Mount Desert Island Hospital happened fast. When he was hired, they put him into the rotation of doctors so quickly that he hadn’t had time to meet anyone but the chief of medicine, Dr. Kaplan. It’s not how he would have liked to start a new job, but he will make time to meet everyone else once he gets into the swing of things.

They actually called him in a few hours early today than he was originally scheduled to cover someone else’s shift. The hospital had a large obstetrics department with a building dedicated to housing routine patient care and a practice of doctors who catered to providing top notch prenatal care. Unfortunately, the head doctor had been in a car accident and while he was on the mend, he’d be out indefinitely. Jensen figures he’s been asked to cover his shifts for the time being because he’s the new guy on the totem pole. It’s not the exact job Jensen thought he’d be doing, but he has to admit that taking more of the emergency elements out of working in a hospital is a nice way to ease back into the workplace.

Clipping his badge to his white coat, he heads out of the core of the hospital and follows Dr. Kaplan’s instruction and makes his way to an elevator bank, taking one to the third floor.

Before the doors close someone slips through them in such a rush that they don’t look where they are going, slamming straight into Jensen and spilling scorching hot liquid between them.

“Shit!” The stranger yelps and hops back from the contact, but hisses at the way the liquid burns his skin through his saturated clothing.

“Whoa, easy,” Jensen says as he catches the man’s shoulders and steadies him. He’d been on the edge of cursing as well when the brown substance, which he decides must be some type of tea because it doesn’t smell anywhere near coffee, burns against his chest. He stopped himself when he noticed how startled the man in front of him looked, his cheeks quickly flushing with embarrassment. “Are you okay?” Jensen tries to look the man in the eyes after he did a quick full body scan. “You’re pregnant,” he says dumbly.

“Yeah…I…” the man settles one hand on the tiny swell of his stomach. “I am. It’s why I was drinking that tea. Fennel. ‘Sposed to be good for settling one’s stomach.” He mumbles under his breath, “not doin’ much good.” Looking up at Jensen for the first time, their eyes lock and he freezes.

“Hey, you okay?” Jensen repeats because he isn’t sure why the man looks like a deer in headlights.

“What? Huh?” Shaking his head, the stranger composes himself. “Oh, yeah! I’m fine. I’m…I’m sorry I crashed into you and spilled tea all over you.” Licking his lips, he offers a shaky smile. “I’m Jared.” He holds out a hand. “And I _am_ sorry for the mess I made of your white coat.”

Jensen takes Jared’s hand and shakes it. “Nice to meet you, Jared. I’m Jensen. And don’t worry about the white coat. There are more where this came from.” He smiles at the man and doesn’t expect the double thump from his heart when their eyes meet again. The man is…a lot of things. Jared is bashfully adorable but has everything needed to be mouthwateringly sexy once he got some confidence about him.

The elevator dings as it reaches Jensen’s selected floor and both men are drawn from their trance of staring at each other. Taking a deep breath, Jensen runs one hand through his hair and gives Jared another quick smile. “Well,” he says in a hurry upon realizing that he now needs time to change before his first appointment. There is no way he would ever live down being late on his first day of work. He doesn’t want to be known as _that_ guy. “Good luck with the baby, Jared. Hope that tea thing starts working out for you.” Nodding, he jogs out of the elevator, hoping to get to his destination with enough time to change and settle himself.

He glances over his shoulder as Jared trips through a farewell, feeling that double thump in his chest again.

***

Jared stares as Jensen brushes past him, unable to get his tongue to work. He has _no_ idea who this mystery man is.

There had been an ID badge and a white coat but Jared swears up and down that he knows every doctor who works at Mount Desert Island Hospital. He’s been working on their staff before some of their newest doctors graduated med school.

But Jensen seems to know where he’s going and the badge is legit, Jared’s sure of that.

Still, the run in has his heart pounding and it’s not because of the once scalding tea that’s cooling across his damp clothing. Jensen had made his stomach tingle in a very non-baby related way. He feels like a complete idiot for running into the elevator with his eyes focused on his tea instead of the man he collided into. Seriously, who does that?

Jared does. That’s who. It’s just his luck, considering he was already running late for his appointment. His shift had ended late, as always, but there was no way he could leave before making sure Mr. Reed in 2B was reassured that everything he was feeling after surgery was fine. A RN’s job never seemed to adhere to schedules.

He’s barely had a moment after his shift to change out of his scrubs and into his casual clothing, but it seems that didn’t matter. It turned out he would have been better off wearing his scrubs to his OB appointment, then at least he’d have clean clothing to change into after the fennel tea disaster.

Either way, he doesn’t think Dr. Kravitz will mind the drying tea. He’s been around Jared long enough to know he rarely goes anywhere without the drink since the doctor made an off handed comment that sometimes it calms his own stomach.

Brushing it off and making a mental note to figure out who this Jensen person is as soon as possible, he steps out of the elevator just before it closes.

His baby is shifting around like crazy. The movements are subtle but he can feel each and every one of them. That’s… _new_. Dr. Kravitz explained the baby was pretty high up so he hadn’t felt too much activity but since he hit 19 weeks, that changed. Jared blames the current volley of activity on the fact that he’d just collided into an extremely handsome man.

Laughing, he looks down at the tiny swell in his middle. “Yeah, I know, kiddo. Your dad is kinda clumsy sometimes. It’s partially your fault. You make my brain slow because I’m too busy thinking about you.” Rubbing his hand over his stomach, he makes his way down the hall towards Dr. Kravitz’s office. It’s true that he’s been clumsier but his center of balance is off and he’s been told that would happen. Of course, he thought it would happen later rather than sooner but that seems to be a trend with his life over the last months. He doesn’t know why he is surprised.

Either way, he doesn’t put much blame on the baby. Sure, his little one has been giving him _a lot_ of trouble lately, but Jared can handle it. He won’t let himself think for a minute that he can’t. Plans have changed and there is a gaping wound on his heart but he’s not saddling any of that on the baby.

He drops his now empty paper cup into a trash can, rounds the corner and steps into Dr. Kravitz’s practice. The place is pretty dead but it looks like the ladies behind the desk are swamped and trying to pull files.

“Hi, Connie,” Jared says with a smile as he approaches the sign in window.

“Oh, Jared! Hi!” Connie twists so she can wave. “You’re early. Or late. I don’t know. We’ve been crazy over here, what with – ” Whatever she is about to say is cut off with a yelp as a pile of paperwork cascades onto her lap.

“You look like you have your hands full.” Jared scribbles his name on the sign in sheet as a formality, even though Dr. Kravitz usually sees him without appointment and whenever he can sneak in an appointment during a lunch hour. Today he actually has all the time in the world, since he worked the overnight shift and got off at a reasonable hour. “I’ll just go back to the usual room and save you ladies the trouble of walking me there. I know the way. I can even take my file.”

“Oh, um…that’s…yeah.” Connie stutters out as she tries to get a handle on the situation literally on top of her. “Usual room. But I don’t have your file. Doctor has it.”

Jared thinks that’s a bit weird, since he knows Dr. Kravitz sees him almost every day in passing. He doesn’t need to study Jared’s file to learn anything new.

Shrugging, he opens the door that leads behind the scenes to the exam rooms and escorts himself to his usual exam room. He knows the routine, being that he’s often on the RN end of this whole spectrum. He can locate the paper gowns without really focusing, which turns out to be pretty helpful since part of his brain is still ogling the man candy from the elevator. That fact makes him blush but he can’t help it. His hormones have been crazy and he is horny as hell, but he has no way of remedying that situation. Looking will have to do for now.

Changing into the paper gown, he gets himself onto the exam table and waits. He busies himself with cupping his belly and stroking his thumbs over the swell. It’s solid and _there_ , making Jared feel a little out of his element with how much it’s changed his lean form. At twenty weeks, he figures his stomach is still smaller than to be expected, which is worrisome; as small as it is, it’s all still new to him.

He’s staring down when the door opens, looking up when he hears his name on someone else’s tongue.

“Hello, Mr. Padalecki. I’m doctor – ”

Jared blinks too many times to count as he watches Jensen walk into the room, cutting the man off from introducing himself – _again_. “You’re not Dr. Kravitz,” Jared says as he rears back a bit and stares in surprise. It’s the stupidest thing to say but he can’t think of something intelligible.

“No. No, I’m not.” Looking up from the file he’d been reading as he walked in, Jensen is wearing a mirrored look of surprise. Finding his voice before Jared, he tries to push through the awkward second meeting between them. “It’s nice to see you again, Jared. Although, I have to admit, I didn’t think it would be so soon.” He puts the file down on the counter and smiles. His fresh, clean white coat rumples when he walks to extend a hand towards Jared.

“You’re not Dr. Kravitz,” Jared repeats like his brain is stuck on loop.

“Sorry to disappoint. But, no. I’m not. Just Jensen Ackles. I’m going to be picking up some of Dr. Kravitz’s shifts for the foreseeable future. I assumed the ladies out front told you about his car accident – ”

“Car accident?” Jared parrots back.

“Yeah. I’ve been told Dr. Kravitz is fine, but he’s going to need a lot of time to heal and complete physical therapy. He’s in no shape to be bringing babies into the world and tending to other people’s health. Fortunately for you, I’m feeling perfectly fine. Actually, you’re my first patient here. That’s not to say that you’re my first patient _ever_. I’ve been practicing medicine for almost ten years, but at a different hospital in Texas. I moved up hear and just,” cutting himself off, Jensen shakes his head. “I’m rambling aren’t I? Sorry about that. I guess I am nervous about my first day on the job after all. But you shouldn’t be. I’m good at my job, even when nervous. You’re in good hands.”

Jared looks down at Jensen’s still outreached hand and shakes it slowly. “Yeah, uh…hi.” He thinks maybe this is a good time to tell him that he also works in the hospital and has been for eight years but he can’t figure out why that would matter. Instead, he licks his lips and tries to will his lips to smile even though he’s not sure he’s ready to have the stranger he’d just been daydreaming about play such an intimate role in his life.

“So,” Jensen says after clearing his throat. “Your file says you should be at twenty weeks as of yesterday. How are you feeling? Aside from the nausea you told me about before.”

For a second, Jared almost forgot that they were here for a legitimate medical exam. He’s supposed to voice concerns and answer questions but all he seems to do is nod, which makes no sense considering the question Jensen – or is it, Dr. Ackles – just asked him. “I…I feel…truthfully?”

“Well, yeah. That would be preferable,” Jensen says with a smile as he takes a seat on a stool beside the exam table.

“I’ve been feeling exhausted. And shitty. And _hungry_ – all the time! And I can’t sleep a night, _ever_.” He stops himself just before he admits to being horny. Jared realizes that he must sound like a caricature of every pregnant person that has ever existed and it makes him blush. “I’m sorry…it’s just that this kid isn’t making things easy on me. It’s been… _difficult_.”

“So I see,” Jensen says as he grabs the patient file again and scans it. “You’ve been hit with every possible symptom of pregnancy there is.” Eyebrows going up, his lips screw to the side in a way that makes lines of concern etch into his face. “Hmm, says here that Dr. Kravitz was worried about placenta previa?”

“Yeah, he thought the placenta was partially covering the cervix. He wasn’t one hundred percent on that. He was hoping that as things stretched out, the placenta would move away from it.” Jared bites his lip because he is banking on that too. He knew he could handle whatever was thrown at him, but adding another obstacle to the mix is daunting.

“Well let’s see if he was right then, shall we?” Jensen pats the exam table. “Lay back. We can do the fun stuff first and then deal with the not so fun stuff.” He rolls the stool so he can reach the ultrasound cart and brings it closer to the exam. “We waiting for anyone?”

Jared realizes that Jensen is leaving the question open but it’s obvious that he means “are we waiting for the baby’s other father.” Jared actually snorts to himself because that would be the longest wait in history. As far as he’s concerned, this baby has only one parent and that’s going to have to be enough. He looks up at Jensen’s patiently waiting face and blanks on giving an intelligent response. “No. Um…no…I’m single and there’s no one…so no. Single. Yeah.” Jared wants to kick himself in the head but settles for closing his eyes and letting out a sigh at how pathetic he must have sounded.

Either Jensen is deaf or he’s showing mercy on Jared because he doesn’t react. He’s frozen in thought for a moment but then holds up the transducer wand. “Okay…so we’re ready then?”

“Yeah. Ready. Yes. Good.” Jared manages to lay back and use a practically useless paper drape to cover his lower region while Jensen hikes the paper gown up. Closing his eyes, Jared presses his palms to his face when he realizes the paper is just a false sense of privacy. Very soon Jensen is going to have to look under it and then Jared will die. It’s inevitable. He stiffens and brings his attention back to the current moment when he feels cold gel hit his belly.

“Sorry, it’s cold,” Jensen apologizes. “Alright, let’s see what we have here.” He fiddles the transducer around and rolls it over Jared’s belly, pushing in slightly but it doesn’t take much time to locate the baby. The head is almost a perfect side profile but the body is twisted a bit, each leg kicked out awkwardly.

Jared relaxes then and smiles. The baby is moving enough to let Jared know there are no problems and he can see the thumping of the heart. The nice thing about being a nurse is that he knows exactly what he is looking at. He doesn’t really need Jensen to explain but hearing the baby is doing well from others always reassures him.

“There we go.” Jensen says as he freezes the screen. He concentrates on the picture for a while before turning back to Jared with a smile. “Everything looks great as far as the baby is concerned. Do you want to know the gender?”

“It’s a girl,” Jared adds as he points towards the screen. At least he thinks it is a girl. From what he’s made out on the screen, he’s definitely having a daughter. “And yeah, I want to know.”

Jensen looks pleasantly surprised. “Good guess. Yeah, you’ve got a little lady in there. She’s measuring just a fraction smaller than she should be but considering how sick you’ve been, I’m not concerned right now.” He unfreezes the screen and continues the exam. “What is concerning me is _that_.” Pointing to the screen, he looks at Jared while he talks. “The placenta is completely covering the cervix at this point and considering you’re twenty weeks, I don’t know if it’s going to budge much.”

Jared swallows. “So that means?”

“It means that we are going to have to make sure we monitor it. I suggest you come in more often and try not to do anything too physically strenuous. I’m not saying bed rest. Work and normal activities are fine. And it means no more internal exams for you.” Jensen makes a note in the file. “It could aggravate the placenta and trigger a lot of things, the worst being hemorrhaging and premature birth. That also means no penetrative intercourse, for the same reasons.”

Jared blushes. “Oh.” He feels like crying and blames part of that on the baby and the other part on the fear that his body isn’t cooperating. He could hurt her and that is terrifying. Jensen must have picked up on it because he places a calming hand on Jared’s wrist.

“Hey, I know that sounds really scary but we caught it early. At least we know. That’s ten times better than being surprised by it. And I’ve dealt with plenty of cases of placenta previa, some worse than yours, which resulted in healthy babies and parents. We’re going to have to monitor it, that’s all.”

“And what does that mean for her?” Jared says meekly.

“Nothing. She’s going to keep on growing and doing fine as long as you keep helping her grow. Keep doing what you’re doing and don’t get too stressed out. That’s a tall order, huh? But it isn’t going to do you or her any favors. If we keep an eye on things, she is going to be just fine. She’ll have to be delivered by C-section of course to prevent you from bleeding out, but that’s more routine than you think.”

Jared realizes that Jensen has no idea he works as a nurse in the hospital. He knows exactly what the worst case scenarios are but he also knows the good ones. His heart breaks a bit at having no other choice but delivering his daughter via C-section but he’s more okay with it than he thought he’d be. He wants her safe. He’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that happens. “Okay,” he breathes out.

“So, let me just take a quick look to see what else is going on, and you can get out of here. No real internal stuff, just a quick look to make sure everything down there is okay. Then you can make another appointment. Maybe two weeks? Unless anything else comes up that concerns you, I think two weeks is good.” As Jensen talks, he breaks down the ends of the table and swings two stirrups into position.

Jared nods. He moves on autopilot, swinging his legs into the stirrups and realizing he’s about to have Jensen working between his legs. _God_ , does he want that man between his legs but to have him there at this specific moment is beyond embarrassing. He’s sure he’s beet red, making him unsure of if he’s glad Jensen’s too busy between his legs or if it makes matters worse. Turns out, it’s worse because the minute he feels Jensen’s fingers on him, his stomach flips over and his heart beats a mile a minute.

The part of Jared’s brain that he sectioned off years ago as too impulsive can’t stop thinking about how this moment would play out differently if they had met under different circumstances. He stifles the rush of attraction and desire by thinking about how serious dealing with placenta previa is. Being too concerned for his daughter helps in making him ignore just how close Jensen is to his dick and opening.

The moment feels like it drags on forever but eventually Jensen gets to his feet and snaps off his gloves. “Everything else looks great.” He puts a hand on Jared’s shoulder and squeezes. His eyes drift to his watch and he blushes. “I have to meet with another patient but if you feel like you want to talk about anything, have one of the nurses set you up in my office. We can talk in twenty minutes. If not, then I’ll see you next time. Trust me Jared, it’s going to be okay.”

Jared nods and watches the man walk out of the room. He has no idea if everything is going to be okay or not but he does know that he’s going to need to find another doctor. He’s never going to survive as Jensen’s patient.


	2. Chapter 2

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/14188945627/)

It takes two weeks for Jensen to get his bearings in Bar Harbor. He’s always been quick to navigate new surroundings but something changed in him that dampened that spirit four years ago. That’s why he needed to get away from Dallas and throw himself into something new and completely different.

He’s managed to make a comfortable living space for himself, although a bit sparse. He’s got work to do but now he’s got a comfortable bed to stay awake during the night in and contemplate everything he needs to put in order.

He’s also found his brain drifting off to thoughts of Jared, the intriguing man he can’t seem to get out of his head. There is something about Jared that makes Jensen want to dig deeper and figure out why his smiles are on the sadder side and Jared’s flustered when they make eye contact. It’s like he’s irresistibly drawn to Jared. So much so that Jensen wants _more_ and it terrifies him. He didn’t come to Bar Harbor to get lost in someone else’s life when his is barely patched back together.

But when he closes his eyes at night, he pictures Jared. There’s so much pain there that it’s palpable and he’s not exactly sure whom it’s emanating from. Perhaps both of them, which only adds to the list of reasons why he should not be dreaming about a patient he’s just met. He tells himself that but his brain doesn’t listen.

It makes him contemplate crazy ideas, like pulling up Jared’s file and getting his personal contact information. That’s against every code of ethics he’s ever abided by but he finds no fault in daydreaming about it.

And then there is the whole monkey wrench that Jared’s pregnant and alone. He’s clearly not having an easy time of things but seems totally determined to keep his head up. It’s admirable and hits way too close to home for Jensen. He hopes Jared has no idea how painful it was for Jensen’s first day working in a hospital in four years to be spent in obstetrics. Jensen found himself falling apart and rambling but he thinks he was able to mask the hurt with smiles and dealing with the medical exam at hand rather than the ultrasound scans he can’t get out of his brain.

It still hurts ever day that _his_ baby never got a chance to live long enough to have a determined gender. Watching Jared have that moment rattled Jensen so much that he plowed right past it into other medical matters, like the placenta. He knows he hid it. He’s well skilled in that area, since he’s been doing it for years now. Still, when he’s alone, it hurts.

He and Jared are separate pieces of the same cloth. For whatever reason, Jared’s torn and partner-less. And Jensen? He’s the partner who had his husband and unborn baby ripped away from him. They’re different sides but it’s the same coin and being too close to Jared and his little girl spells danger for Jensen. He finds himself getting too invested, which is crazy considering he doesn’t even know who the man is.

His heart’s been shredded and he’s vulnerable to certain things. Things like an unborn little girl who’s making things very difficult for her father. Those things are like salt being rubbed into all the cracks and weak spots Jensen’s been walking around with.

And then there is the matter of Jared being easy on the eyes. It’s the first thing Jensen noticed before he realized the man is pregnant. That was highly unexpected. Now, Jensen can’t stop thinking about things a doctor should _not_ think about their patients, especially ones they have seen in various forms of nudity.

It’s not even sexual, although it wouldn’t take much of a push to land in that direction. It’s more that Jensen _wants_ to touch Jared, and not in the medical way he’s been privy to. He wants to figure out if his lips feel as good as they look if Jensen were to kiss him. And he definitely wants to touch Jared’s belly, softly as a way to acknowledge how much life it contains.

He misses that. Being alive.

Too many things in his life crumbled out of his grasp and he found himself going down the same path. Moving’s been a last ditch effort to stop that.

The fact that he’s even torn up about everything he’s been daydreaming is evidence that he is alive. What’s life without conflict and confusion? Jensen’s neck deep in it and can’t get his head around it.

He’s also alive and hungry. He has to feed himself and since he’s tired of eating out of take out containers and pizza boxes, _and he finally has a refrigerator_ , he decides to put Jared related thoughts on hold and stock his house with food.

Problem is, he’s in the super market for barely ten minutes when his eyes catch on someone with interest. He’s not sure why at first but upon closer look, he realizes it’s Jared. The man stops next to variety of bananas as he scans the produce section and picks up a bunch. He cocks his head in thought, puts the first bunch down and selects another one.

Jensen has two options. He can high tail it past the produce and pretend his imagination is playing tricks on him or he can man up. He’s wanted to find a way to contact Jared anyway, and this is a perfect opportunity. He doesn’t have to break any unwritten rules or sneak into the patient files at work.

He walks towards Jared, trying to steady his heart from pounding. It’s only when he’s a few feet away from the man that he realizes how fast it is thudding in his chest. The fact surprises him just as much as it did when they met in the elevator. He thought, in complete seriousness, that his heart would never be kicked into gear like that again. He _swore_ the gears were broken and rusting and he’s used up all the heart-felt excitement in his life. But there it is, his heart beating like the tank engine.

All the signs are there to lock his heart up and suffocated it by putting distance between himself and this stranger that won’t allow him to stop feeling _something_. It’s too late to do anything because Jared notices. They lock eyes and blink at each other like they’ve both short-circuited.

All Jensen can get out is, “Hey, come here often?”

Jared cocks his head like he thinks Jensen is crazy and holds onto the bunch of bananas like the secret to intelligible conversation is locked behind their skin. Wetting his lips, he swallows and lets out a nervous laugh. “Uh, yeah. It’s the only supermarket in town and I need to eat so…”

That answer, with all its innocence and sincerity, breaks the tension in Jensen and he laughs at how adorable the man sounds. He never thought Jared would answer him with a serious response. “It was a joke. Just a stupid question.” Waving his hand in front of them to clear the air, Jensen smiles. “I was just trying to make conversation. Seems I failed at that. I’m a better doctor than I am at making small talk. Promise.” Because he doesn’t know what to do with himself, Jensen grabs a bunch of bananas for himself. He doesn’t even like bananas but it gives him a reason to dilly-dally in front of Jared. “So, _Jared_ , how’re you doing?” Jensen says Jared’s name purposely to let the man know there is genuine recognition going on between them.

“Nauseous.” The word leaves Jared’s mouth and he slaps a hand to his lips, blush immediately following.

Jensen raises both eyebrows and laughs. There is no way Jared can get more adorable than he looks right now. It’s a weird contrast because there are so many things about Jared’s physical form that are impressive and strong. But all things involving his daughter seem to soften him and Jensen feels a warmth, one that’s vacated his heart years ago, start to spread through it. It’s alien and unsettling but they are locked in conversation now so he forces himself to deal with it later. “Does it help any if I tell you nausea means things are going right?”

“Not really. Still going to feel nauseous.” Taking a deep breath, Jared sighs softly. “But it does take the edge off my nerves.” His hand falls to his belly in habitual manner and he rubs the swell. “Other than that…I’m okay. Hungry. Staring at all this food is kind of terrible because I want _all_ of it. Can’t really afford to pack up the whole supermarket.” A smile tugs at his lips and he graces Jensen with it.

“Hey, so…I don’t usually do this. I swear…but,” Jensen clears his throat as a rush of adrenaline courses through him and makes him stutter. “Would you like to go out for dinner some time? Like as a date? I know it might seem a bit odd for a doctor to ask their patient out but…I just…well…maybe you’d be interested? If not…that’s okay. No pressure. I won’t take it personally.” Jensen senses himself on the edge of a ramble and shuts himself up before he can make a bigger fool of himself. He’s lying to Jared completely. He would take it personally if the man said no, but maybe that would be for the best. It would stop the danger alerts from ringing non-stop in his head and make him think like a sane person again. He didn’t run away from pain to stir up another pot of it.

An awkward pause builds between them. Jared drops the bananas and they thud to the ground. With his hand empty, his fingers twitch for something to occupy himself with and Jensen’s not sure if Jared realizes that he’s biting on the inside of his cheek.

“Well…either way….um…think about it.” Jensen digs out his wallet and pulls out one of his new business cards. It’s got his office phone number that has been assigned to him at Mount Desert Island Hospital. He flips it over and thanks the lord that he always carries a pen on him because he’s able to scribble out his cell phone number on the back. “That’s my personal number. You can call me. If you want. But you don’t have to. But I hope you do.” Jensen’s rambling again, so he takes a deep breath and shoves the card into Jared’s hand.

The smile that Jensen tries to force his lips into is nervous and he knows he looks like a fool. Grabbing his cart with bananas he doesn’t even want, he waves. “Hope to hear from you soon.” He practically runs away from the situation he just bombed and contemplates calling off his whole shopping trip.

It’s impossible to get anything done when he finds himself staring at the bananas in his cart and wondering what Jared’s craving.

***

Jared stares at the business card in his hand. It’s a rectangle of card stock but it’s strong enough to send his mind racing and his pulse starts skipping a beat.

He doesn’t remember the last time someone actually flirted with him; at least, that’s what he _thinks_ Jensen was doing. The man had been a jumble of nerves and for the life of him, Jared cannot figure out how he could make Jensen so nervous.

He’s nothing special; the way people have treated him has taught him to believe that.

But he’s staring at the phone number and hasn’t been asked on a first date since he met Ricky three years ago.

There are things he’s supposed to do and say but all he does is stare. He thinks, Jensen has terrible handwriting and laughs at the cliché of a doctor whose written word is hard to read.

There is no way Jensen really wants to go on a date with him. He’s pregnant and…well… _pregnant._ That’s a lot for someone to take on, especially someone who doesn’t even know they work together. Yet.

Jared swears he is _not_ going to call Jensen but at the same time, he slips the card into his wallet. He’ll throw it away later and save both of them the embarrassment of going through with the terrible idea of dating. It will only end in complete disaster.

He also figures that he’s got to develop a plan of attack. Jensen seems nice, but he knows nothing about him, not even that they are assigned to the same unit at the hospital. Tomorrow, at work, he’s going to make sure that fact can’t go unnoticed.

***

“Hey, Mol?” Jared crosses his arms over his chest and rests his hip against the wall.

“Hm?” Molly looks up from a computer screen.

“Can you, well…you know that new doctor we have on staff? Ackles?” Just saying the name makes the faintest blush rush to Jared’s cheeks but since he’s had an awkward case of increased blushing since he’s gotten pregnant he hopes Molly will blame that.

“Yeah. What about him? He’s cute, ain’t he?” She raises an eyebrow and hums in approval.

“Um, yeah. I guess so.” Jared blushes more because Jensen isn’t just cute. He’s sexy as hell and since he caught sight of his bowlegs when they’d met at the supermarket, his pregnancy hormones are making him have all kinds of fantasies about what those legs would look good wrapped around. His heart’s beating again and he _needs_ to stop it. This is ridiculous. He’s being _ridiculous_. “So, I was wondering if you could make sure I’m assigned to work the same cases as he is?”

Molly wiggles her eyebrows. “Why? You wanna flirt a little?” She shoves his shoulder playfully. “Good for you!”

“What? No!” Flustered, Jared stands up straight, crossing his arms tighter in an attempt to look more composed but the pout on his face shatters any attempt of that happening. “I just…I never really met him yet and I thought it was a good idea for him to get to know the people he’ll be working with. Janie and Sal have been on his shifts since he started. Why not switch it up?”

Not completely believing the man, Molly shrugs. “Whatever you want. Sure. I can switch you and Silvia today. He’s all yours for the day.”

“Great. Thanks!” Flashing her a smile, he grabs a file and goes to see what he’s gotten himself into. He feels shitty today, but better than yesterday, so there’s _that_.

He falls into his rotation with ease and so far without any sign of Jensen.

It all changes when he’s thrown into an emergency situation. No one expected the patient in room 104B to go into cardiac arrest but when she does, everyone nearby reports immediately.

It’s the first time Jared and Jensen end up in the same space while on the clock. Unfortunately, there is barely any time for them to acknowledge that fact. They are too focused on doing their job to notice anything but medical stats and saving Mrs. Lindstat’s life.

They do and when the dust settles, Jared finally has a moment to slow down. He’s good at his job, he’s sure of that. He knows he does everything quickly and efficiently, and that makes all the difference sometimes.

“That was _really_ good work.” Jensen says, looking at Jared like he’s seen him for the first time all over again. He is baffled, it’s clear by the way that his eyes are a little too wide and he’s scratching his neck nervously.

“Thanks,” is all Jared can say. He swallows and scans the room. People are filtering out because they aren’t needed any more but Jared and Jensen stay locked in place.

“So…you work _here_.” Jensen says.

“Yep. For 8 years.” Jared starts scratching his own neck, shrugging.

“I didn’t…you didn’t say anything.”

“No…I…I guess I didn’t. I, uh…it doesn’t slip into conversation so easily. Well…It does…but….” Jared bites the inside of his cheek. “Baby brain.” He feels guilty blaming the baby but he can’t tell Jensen that he isn’t able to get actual words out when they speak because he’s too busy ogling him and wishing that his life wasn’t such a train wreck so that a relationship between them could work.

Jensen’s lips curve for a second and then return to normal. “Your daughter doesn’t like when the attention isn’t always on her, huh? Won’t let her father have an intellectual conversation that doesn’t involve her?”

“Something like that.” Jared lets out a weak laugh, touching his belly because Jensen’s partially right. His daughter is shifting around and it’s borderline uncomfortable because she’s right on his bladder. It startles him because that probably means she’s directly on the placenta too but nothing feels different.

“You’re a good nurse, Jared.” Jensen says.

“You’re…you’re a good doctor.” Jared clears his throat and then laughs because Jensen chooses that moment to do the same thing.

“See you around, Jared. Hopefully not under these emergency circumstance but since we _do_ work together, I guess it’s inevitable.”

Jensen leaves but something about the way he moves reminds Jared of a fish caught in a stream. Jensen doesn’t leave without a hesitating jerk to his gait and Jared’s confused again. Jared thought that if Jensen realized they worked together, maybe things would fizzle but he still seems hooked. There is _no good reasons_ why Jensen should place any import in someone else’s used goods. Jensen seems like a catch and there are probably bigger and better things out there for him.

Jared’s made his bed and he’s okay with sleeping in it. Besides, he got his daughter to think about, and she’s been the biggest blessing in his whole confused world.

It’s enough to keep him distracted for the rest of the day. He and Jensen cross paths several more times, but all they exchange is a nod and a few smiles. It’s more strained than any relationship that Jared has with the other doctors. With the other doctors, he can make jokes and talk about their personal lives during their down time. With Jensen, he’s afraid to let out a slip of information along those lines. That would be too close to letting Jensen in on his personal life and that’s the equivalent of playing with fire.

He does his job, but he’s distracted. Of course, it’s not enough to impact his job but by the time he’s off duty, he’s exhausted. The drive home is made on autopilot and by the time he arrives at his fourth floor walk up apartment, his eyes are ready to flutter close.

When he and Ricky first started renting the apartment, they fooled themselves into thinking that the walk up wouldn’t be so bad. They thought it would force them to have at least a sliver of exercise during their day. Up until recently, that was the case. But being pregnant and forced to walk up and down every single time he had to do something changed how he felt about the apartment. He dreads coming home after a shift and forcing his already tired legs to climb each step. He also hates the fact that his apartment is stained with memories of the man who used to share the same space.

Ricky picked the apartment without much input from Jared but now Jared’s the one stuck there. Nineteen weeks ago, Jared had come home from a shift to find most of the apartment’s contents missing and a post-it note from Ricky saying, “I’m not cut out for this. Good luck.” So, basically, Jared currently hates _everything_ about his apartment. It isn’t _him_ and it’s dull of sadness. The fact that he can’t really afford to move right now, is a dangerous dark thought that leaves him wanting to bury himself under his blankets and forget his life is getting harder by the day. Besides, in his condition, it would be an uphill struggle.

So he forces himself to see the bright side. He’s always been good at that. He is, at his core, someone who is happy. He knows the struggles are mounting but he _knows_ it’s going to be worth it. Because his daughter? He loves her. He wants her. She’s worth getting up every morning and working his ass off so he can give her the best life, the type of life she deserves.

The apartment may be shitty, but it’s cheap and he’s able to save up enough money to support the two of them. There’s room for both Jared and his daughter, and he figures the four floor walk up will help him drop the baby weight fast, faster still when he factors in lugging up a newborn carrier.

As he’s climbing the steps, a wave of dizziness hits him and he wavers. His foot catches on the stair and he falls forward, _hard_. Breath knocked out of him, Jared makes a pained noise, flails to catch himself but it’s futile. He ends up thudding down a few steps to the landing, falling on his belly and making him see stars. Jared’s done the best job he could at keeping his daughter safe but he doesn’t know how successful he was. Rolling onto his backside, he scoots up into a sitting position, cradling his stomach with both hands.

Panic courses through him so fast that a second wave of dizziness slams into him. His vision blurs and his brain scans through a mental Rolodex of serious consequences from the fall. He _knows_ that his body has done a good job of padding his baby and keeping her safe. Chances are, she’s fine. Technically, he _feels_ fine, aside from a throb in his knee when he hit the stairs. He gives himself some time to force his heart rate down and talk himself out of a panic attack. It will do no good, especially since he seems to be the only one around right now and no one can come to his aid. He could call 911, but doesn’t think that’s necessary. He doesn’t want to be brought to his own hospital and look like a fool for overreacting.

When he gets to his feet, he climbs the rest of the stairs slowly, holding on to the handrail for dear life and counting each step.

Reaching his apartment, he rushes with his keys and hurries inside so he can flop down on a safe, padded couch along the far wall. There is nothing dangerous about that.

Sitting there, he lets his head fall back to the back of the couch and takes long, slow breaths. His heart is still beating faster than usual, and his daughter doesn’t like it. She’s shifting a lot, kicking or punching him, but Jared’s glad for it. She’s okay and not shy about making sure he knows that.

“Shh, I know little girl. I’m sorry your papa is such a klutz sometimes. I just keep putting you through the wringer, huh?” He looks down at his belly and lifts up his shirt. He hopes the sore spot he sees isn’t a bruise forming and that it’s just his imagination. Rubbing soothing circles across his distended middle, he hushes the baby and talks to her softly. She’s probably used to his voice by now. Considering he lives alone, he doesn’t have anyone to talk to so his baby’s gotten an earful already.

“Gotta pee, peanut.” Jared struggles to his feet. He really wishes that he could sit a little longer because walking is scaring him at the moment. He’s given little choice in the matter when nature’s call can’t be put off much longer and he doesn’t really need to lose his dignity over peeing on the couch.

Jared makes it to the bathroom and is coming back from his scare when it starts all over again. He thought that everything was okay but suddenly it isn’t. There is blood on the inside of his boxer briefs when he yanks them down and it’s enough for ice to form in his veins. He has to grip the edge of the sink to keep himself from having another spill.

 _This is bad. This is bad. This is bad_. The phrase runs through his head on repeat and he can’t remember what he’s supposed to do. As a nurse, he’s kicking himself for stumbling over the proper course of action.

Reaching a hand between his legs, his fingers come away with more blood on them and he can’t remember if thin blood is safer than thick blood. He sits down and uses all of his power to assess the bleeding. Is it slowing down or speeding up? Time goes wonky but he’s pretty sure it’s slowing down. Or stopping. But maybe not because it’s still on his fingers and he feels like he’s going to vomit.

That feeling becomes a reality when he pitches forward and throws up into the sink. It’s about as unglamorous as it gets when he heaves, chokes and coughs. There are chills running down his back now and he shivers.

Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he pulls himself together enough to get himself back to the couch. The plush cushions almost lull him into a false sense of safety. There are a thousand things he could do but the only one he latches onto is grabbing his cell phone and fishing his wallet out of his back pocket. He has Jensen’s business card tucked safely inside, even though he swore he’d throw it out.

He barely knows Jensen but he’s the only doctor on staff who _knows_ everything about his pregnancy at the current moment. Jensen can help. He _has_ to.

Dialing the number, his hand shakes while he waits for the call to connect.

 _“Hello?”_ Jensen’s voice questions from the other side of the line.

“Jensen?” Jared knows his voice is quivering with nerves and he holds the phone with two hands to make sure he doesn’t drop it.

_“Jared? Are you okay? What’s wrong?”_

“I…I’m bleeding. Can you…help? _Please_? I – ”

_“Shit. Jared…I’m…I’ll come to you. I’ll…shh. It’ll be okay.”_

Jared is more terrified because Jensen’s voice doesn’t sound remotely like everything will be okay.

***

Jensen’s speeding.

He’s breaking laws in a new town where he’s never broken laws before. He doesn’t give a shit.

Jared calling him had been a shock and a half. He’d just seen the man and never expected the unknown number to belong to Jared. The brief flutter of happiness he’d felt when he heard Jared’s voice on the other line was replaced by concern the instant he heard the fear in the man’s voice.

Blood, in almost all cases, is never a good sign. Jared’s a nurse and most definitely able to know the difference between spotting and actually bleeding, which is why Jensen grabbed his doctor’s bag from the closet and dumped it in the passenger’s seat the second he jumped into his car.

Jared called him for help and he’s going to help the best he can. That’s what he does. _That’s who he is_.

He wishes he knew the town better because even though Jared gave him his address and told him the door was left open, Jensen has no idea where he is going. It causes him to program the address into his cell phone and pray the GPS function is able to route him to the correct apartment. He’s holding his cell phone up, speeding, and trying not to sideswipe cars. If a cop pulled him over, he could flash his medical badge and state the emergency but it would delay him. He’s not sure what’s going on with Jared but a hold-up could mean game over.

His heart is pounding away and his body is welcoming in panic like it did years ago. It’s everything he _doesn’t_ want but, unfortunately, that’s a part of who he is as well. He _cares_. He _worries_.

Finding the apartment complex, he manages to screech into a parking space near the block of apartments Jared told him he lives in. The rest of the navigation is a mess. The weight of his doctor’s bag seems more than it actually is, but with the current situation, the fear, _everything_ feels heavier, scarier. He circles the area several times before finding a stairwell. There seem to be no elevators present, which leaves him breathless when he climbs four flights of stairs in the wrong area and has to run down them again and cross to what he hopes is the correct bank of stairs.

He’s panting when he figures out that he’s in the right place. The apartment numbers count down and he jogs past eight fourth floor apartments until he reaches Jared, 409, and tries the doorknob. As Jared stated, it’s open.

Pushing inside makes Jensen feel like he is treading on private property. It’s a foreign space and he doesn’t know what to do once he’s standing inside. The room is small, making it easy for him to locate Jared cradling his middle while half reclining on a couch. “Jared!”

“Jensen, you _came_ ,” Jared swallows thickly and there is fear in his eyes when he looks directly at Jensen. His words sound shocked, like he expected just the opposite.

“Of course I came. I told you I would, didn’t I?” Jensen tries to small, hoping it will calm Jared down.

“Oh, fuck!” Jared yells and curls more protectively around his middle.

“Hey, shh. You gotta calm down. It…it will help me out if you calmed down and told me what’s going on. Okay?” Jensen gets on his knees in front of the couch and tries to scan Jared’s body. He can’t see much of it clearly since the man is hunched over.

Jared nods a bit too rapidly. “I fell.”

“Fell where? How?”

“I fell on the stairwell to my apartment. I hit hard but I thought I braced myself enough and that everything would be okay. It felt okay. But then…then…” He chokes on a breath and won’t stop looking at his stomach. “Then there was blood and it…” Squeezing his eyes, he groans at the thoughts in his head and gets stuck on repeating, “there was blood.”

Considering Jared’s pregnancy, Jensen suspects immediately that Jared’s bleeding has to do with some placenta based issue. “Hey, hey, hey! Jared!” He’s not yelling but speaking loudly enough to pull Jared out of his dark thoughts. “Listen. It’s going to be okay. I just…can I check you out? Please? Then we’ll have a better idea. Going to get you to the hospital either way but…let me check. Okay?”

Jared is nodding again and scoots to the edge of the couch. Whatever awkwardness there was before when Jensen examined him seems to be gone because he’s hurriedly shimmying off his pants.

Jensen’s heart hammers against his ribcage and he sends up a prayer that everything _actually_ is okay. The way Jared’s always touching his belly and the protective quality he’s exhibited over his daughter gives Jensen every indication that Jared is completely in love with his daughter, that his life won’t be able to go on if she’s not in it. Jensen _gets_ that. It’s why he finds himself needing everything to be okay too because he knows what having that dark stain on one’s life does. It’s hard to come back from.

Jensen’s hands find their way to Jared’s pregnant belly. “This hurt?” He looks up to see Jared shaking his head left to right. “This?” He gets the same answer. When he pushes a bit on the underside of the swell, Jared hisses. “Hurts?”

“A little.”

“Hmm,” Jensen bites his lip but forces a reassuring smile. “I…can I see what’s going on?” He waits for Jared to nod before spreading the man’s thighs and assessing the situation. There is blood there, but less than he’d been expecting. It’s startling, but not terrifying. He understands completely why Jared panicked but from a medical standpoint, this is the best-case situation. Needing to pull on a pair of gloves, he removes his hand from Jared’s belly and fusses with gloves that never seemed so difficult to put on. When he’s done, he moves slowly so that nothing startles Jared more than he already is. He probes the area gently and from what he can tell with the limited medical equipment, Jared’s not in labor. Nor is he going to lose the baby.

He’s bleeding, but Jensen thinks it’s from a slight detachment of the placenta. The blood is bright and fresh but the amount is small enough for him to guess that the placenta is mostly fine. Without an ultrasound he can’t be sure but he’s almost ready to bet money on it.

Looking up, Jensen can see that Jared is alternating between biting his cheek and worrying his lip between his teeth. His eyes are wide and panicked, like he’s about to let his flight mechanism kick in.

“Is she…did I hurt her?” Jared chokes out. “If I hurt her, I swear I – ”

Jensen cuts Jared off before he finds out exactly what Jared would do if anything should happen to his daughter. “I don’t think you hurt her.”

“You don’t?” Jared’s lips automatically smile that type of desperate smile that comes on the edge of hope.

“No. But I can’t tell. I…you really need to get to the hospital. Let someone check you out.”

Jared shakes his head.

Jensen can’t figure out why but then Jared finds enough of his voice to make Jensen understand.

“No…I mean…yes but…” Jared chokes on a sob for a moment. His eyes are wet when he looks at Jensen. “You do it. You check me out. Make sure she’s okay. Please? You know her.”

There is no way Jensen would say no to Jared but he’s still shocked by the request. Jared seems so hesitant to let Jensen get to know him and now he’s refusing to see any doctor but him. It’s enough to give Jensen whiplash. Though, he supposes that he does have an understanding of Jared’s daughter as much as anyone could. The fact that Jared believes that Jensen _knows_ her gets the warmth going in Jensen’s heart again and he nods. “Yeah. Okay. Of course. I can check you out.” He puts a reassuring hand on Jared’s thigh. “She’s still okay in there but she needs you to breathe a bit more because I think you’re scaring her.”

Jensen’s warning does the trick because Jared nods and focuses on breathing more thoroughly instead of sobbing so much that getting a lungful of air is difficult.

For a moment, everything in the world fades away. It should be weird because Jensen is sitting in an almost stranger’s apartment but there is a connection there.

He’s invested in this despite all the fear he has of being so.

He’s on the floor, with a hand on each of Jared’s thighs, watching him breathe.

Jared’s nervous laugh startles him and he raises an eyebrow.

“She kicked,” Jared explains and licks his lips nervously.

“See, I told you she’s okay.” Jensen smiles but he’s about as relieved as Jared is. He knows movement isn’t a sure sign that everything is fine but he’s going to let Jared believe in that right now. “Come on, let me help you.” Getting to his feet, Jensen helps Jared get his pants back on and wraps an arm around him to help steady him.

Jared’s wobbly but Jensen shoulders most of his weight. They are so close together that the walls between them have no choice but to shatter in order to put Jared’s unborn little girl at the forefront of their concern.

With Jensen’s arm wrapped securely around Jared, they take their time making it down the steps and to Jensen’s car. Jensen’s heart tightens up at the thought of Jared having to tackle the stairs every day and hate boils up in him when he realizes they tripped him up and made him fall. It’s completely stupid and irrational, because if Jared was going to bleed because of his placenta previa, it was going to happen, stairs or no stairs.

Jared’s face is buried in Jensen’s neck, an act that borders on being too familiar but Jensen understands that Jared is too emotionally drained to fight it. Instead, Jared lets his head rest there, soft breath fluttering against Jensen’s throat when he whispers the most sincere “thank you” Jensen’s ever heard.

“You’re welcome,” Jensen says with a smile as he helps Jared into the passenger seat. “You hang on, okay? Just think positive thoughts. ‘Cause that little girl? I’m not going to let anything happen to her as long as I am involved in the situation. I promise.” It’s a promise Jensen has no right to make. As a medical professional, he knows promises like that are not set in stone. He can’t will health and safety on anyone but his heart won’t let him believe that.

“Okay,” Jared nods.

They both have no idea what’s going to happen but it’s clear their minds are set on keeping the baby safe.


	3. Chapter 3

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/14374446244/)

The events of the past week leave Jared’s brain spinning. He lands on his feet, just like he always does, but it’s confusing nonetheless. He thought he’d feel like an idiot when he was admitted to the hospital yet not one person gave him reasons to feel that way. Instead, he found that he had a very legit reason to be under medical care.

Jensen was right. Jared’s placenta had detached ever so slightly. Had the bleeding not occurred, it might have gone undetected. It was a pretty good scenario all things considered but it still made Jared want to cry when he thought about the alternatives and set him off on a whole new course of worry.

True to his word, Jensen had been the one who examined him and made sure the baby was safe and sound. It had been a week ago when Jared was so determined to find a new doctor and get himself out from under Jensen’s care but, oddly enough, now he refused to let anyone treat him but Jensen.

In Jared’s head, Jensen is invested. He can see that in the man’s eyes. Jared would have to be an idiot not to accept the help of a man who genuinely wants to provide it.

Jared also knows that he’s not the only one confused by the change of events between them. Jensen’s been great about not saying anything, but Jared can tell he’s surprised when Jared calms rather than startles every time the man walks into his hospital room. Jared supposes he deserves that shock. He’s been nothing more than a deer in headlights to Jensen since they’ve met; of course Jensen would be prepared for Jared to metaphorically run from most situations.

He’s had a lot of time to think this over, considering he’s spent three days on bed rest at the hospital. _Everyone_ keeps reassuring him that it’s more of a precautionary move. He’s released but under the strict orders that his workload is physically lightened. No more working with the physical therapy patients or lifting patients from their beds. He can do all of his medical nursing bodies but the heavy lifting is left to the rest of the staff.

After all his thinking and weighing the possibilities, Jared thinks he owes it to Jensen to at least take the man out to lunch. He gets the sense that they both have deliberately avoided talking about the fact that Jared called _Jensen_ in his time of need and the fact that Jensen seeming dropped everything to answer that call. The implications are too heavy for both of them and Jared’s not ready to actually deal with what that means. However, he can’t see much harm in lunch, just a friendly little lunch date that is _not_ actually a _date_.

Now that they’re both aware of the fact they work in the same hospital, they find themselves running into each other more often. Jared suspects Molly is trying to push the two of them together but he’s not going to get on her case about it. He meant it when he said Jensen is a good doctor; working under him is pretty easy for Jared because Jensen is just as thorough as Jared is.

It takes a particularly bloody day to make Jared take action.

The good news is, none of the patients under his care died during his shift. The bad news is, they almost did. That drains Jared to the point where he needs a warm bed and happier thoughts. It’s probably why he corners Jensen at the tail end of their shift. It’s late and, according to Molly, they are both working the early shift tomorrow. Jensen looks about as drained as Jared feels, giving Jared the need to break the intense fog settling on Mount Desert Island Hospital.

“Hey, Jensen?” Jared hopes his words don’t sound as awkward as he feels. It makes nervous butterflies swarm in Jared’s stomach and he’s nauseous from more than just his pregnancy. Sipping his tea and praying not to spill it on Jensen, he smiles when the doctor turns and graces him with a curious eyebrow raise. “So, I was thinking…I’d like to treat you to lunch. You know…as a sort of thank you for what you did.”

“I was just doing my job, Jared. You’d ‘ve done the same.” Jensen runs a hand through his hair and makes a gesture so as to brush off the fact that his action was not worth mentioning.

“It is a big deal to me. A really big deal.” Jared finds himself rubbing his belly, splaying out protectively because anything that has to do with his daughter _is_ a big deal. “And I want to thank you.” He shrugs and smiles. “My treat. What do you say?”

“Lunch?” Jensen repeats like he’s trying to figure out the implications behind it.

“Yeah. You know, just as friends. Maybe get to know each other a bit since we are going to be working together.”

“As friends?”

That makes Jared feel guilty. He knows Jensen had asked him out on a date but that’s not something he’s ready for. He feels bad getting Jensen’s hopes up but it’s just how it has to be. “Yeah. As friends.”

Licking his lips, Jensen gives a sigh that Jared can’t quite interpret. It sounds tired with maybe a hint of disappointment. But his eyes flash and the curve to them indicates that the smile Jensen is wearing is the real deal. “Yeah. Sure. Lunch is good.”

“Great!” Jared almost yelps because he’s surprised by the enthusiasm in his own voice and he tries to cover it up with a nervous little laugh. “Tomorrow, maybe? We’re working the same shift. Should be out in time for lunch. And trust me, this kid,” he points to his stomach, “doesn’t let me miss a meal. I’ll eat anywhere. Whatever you want! You pick.”

“Okay, then. It’s a date.”

Cocking his head, Jared raises an eyebrow, “no, it’s not. Well…it’s a lunch date but the friendly kind.” The sentence leaves his mouth and Jared realizes why his ass is single. He’s pretty much a babbling idiot at this point and feels like he’s embarrassed himself back to the eighth grade.

Jensen doesn’t seem to think so but he does look amused. Shaking his head with a snicker, he walks away. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Jared.”

Tomorrow is hours away but Jared’s already wondering why he got himself into this situation.

***

There had been a bit of a let-down when Jared asked him to go out to lunch as friends, but Jensen thinks maybe it’s for the best.

When he asked Jared out on a date, the request was genuine. Normal Jensen, the one who existed before he had to shut parts of himself down and build up a wall, would have jumped at the chance to date someone like Jared. Jared’s funny in ways he probably doesn’t realize, and smart in ways he definitely does. He’s confusing as hell but his dimples make up for it.

He’s absolutely someone Jensen would find interesting but he’s also a wild card for Jensen, something – or someone – that Jensen’s not sure how to work into his life.

It’s why his gut reaction was to ask Jared out but his survival tactics are feeling more comfortable with the option of a “friend date”.

His actions betray whatever his brain is trying to fool him into believing. He likes Jared. It’s evident considering that he just went out of his way to buy Jared gifts. He’s pretty sure that gifts are a no-no on a “friend date” but he’s doing it anyway.

A coworker told Jensen about a Mexican restaurant that has a decent lunch menu. It’s not too far from the hospital and both men decide to meet there after their shifts. Jensen happens to get stuck finishing up some paperwork but tells Jared to go on without him. He’ll be there in less than ten minutes.

Jensen’s glad when Jared doesn’t argue. He also laughs when, almost on cue, Jared’s belly grumbles.

He’s not sure why but Jensen feels better walking into the restaurant knowing Jared’s there already. There is no awkward waiting and wondering. Instead, he comes in to a table that’s already sporting a spread of appetizers, including guacamole and baskets of chips. Jared’s munching on them happily while perusing the menu. He’s back in his street clothes and his hair is a bit wayward from running around all day but somehow that doesn’t look out of place. When Jensen gets closer, Jared’s eyes flash up towards him. The look comes with a smile and the pregnant man hurries in swallowing his mouth full of chips.

“Hi. Looks like they didn’t keep you too long after all. I hope you don’t mind me ordering some things to get started. Blame her,” Jared says with a slow roll of his eyes towards his middle. His words dry up in his mouth when he looks up and has to crane his neck to try and see what Jensen walked in to the restaurant with. “What’s that?”

Jensen clears his throat and looks innocently at the bag he’s not too successfully hiding behind his back. “Oh, nothing really.” He feels warmth hit his cheeks and mock coughs again as he sits down. Jared’s still staring at the bag like it’s a ticking time bomb so he places it on the table in front of Jared. “Just a few little things.”

Jared’s eyebrows furrow together and he lets out a curious hum as he digs into the bag. He pulls out a floppy stuffed kitten followed by an equally floppy stuffed puppy. He doesn’t use words but the wide eyed, head cocked look he gives Jensen speaks of his confusion.

“They’re for the baby. I don’t know if she is going to be a cat person or a dog person, so I bought both. She can decide.” Jensen smiles and it looks like his indecision at the toy store paid off. Jared’s face morphs from one of confusion to something tender and soft. His whole body relaxes more and Jensen’s not sure if his mind is playing tricks on him but Jared’s eyes seem to shine.

“She can be both,” Jared whispers.

It’s then that Jensen realizes that Jared’s eyes _are_ shinier. It’s because they’re tearing up. Jensen has no idea what to say. He wasn’t expecting that type of reaction but, then again, in the short time knowing Jared, he’s never received the expected. “Whoa, hey, it…I just wanted to do something nice for her. Considering the little scare you guys had – ”

Jared cuts him off. “I know…It’s…” He wipes at his eye with the heel of his hand and takes a deep breath. After a sip of water, he seems composed enough to continue his thought. “It’s really nice of you. No one’s ever done something that sweet for her before and…well…” Smiling, Jared settles on repeating, “It’s really nice of you.”

“You’re welcome.” Smiling to meet Jared’s, Jensen wonders how stuffed animals can possibly be the kindest gesture anyone’s shown Jared’s daughter. He locks that piece of information away for later but doesn’t push the conversation in that direction.

Putting the stuffed animals beside him, Jared digs towards the bottom of the bag and pulls out one last item. “Ginger candies?” he questions with a curious squint to his eyes.

“Yeah, I know you are having trouble with nausea and um,” Jensen pauses and has to recalculate how to phrase his next sentence. The truth would drive a wedge into friendly chatter they are aiming for, so he can’t exactly say, “ _my dead husband used to suck them when he was pregnant._ ” He settles on, “someone told me they helped keep nausea at bay. Figured it couldn’t hurt to give that a try.” Jensen’s head swims for a second because he remembers the fact that Kenneth swore by those candies. They were the only thing that helped him manage his morning sickness. Avoiding Jared’s eye contact for a moment, Jensen takes a sip from the glass of water left for him on the table.

Jared’s eyes dance over Jensen’s features enough to infer that something is going on in Jensen’s brain but he doesn’t have time to act on it. A waiter comes to answer questions about the menu and take their order.

Jensen’s thankful for that because by the time they laugh about not really looking at the menu yet, the awkward pause in conversation is forgotten.

After that, their lunch together isn’t different than any other lunch Jensen’s had with a new acquaintance. Jared eats his food spicier than Jensen’s ever dared and he thinks it’s no wonder Jared gets nauseous. He feels a little bad for the baby because simply watching Jared eat his meal is giving Jensen heartburn. But Jared swears his daughter’s been craving jalapeños all day, so who is he to judge?

“So. Bar Harbor, huh? I can tell from your accent you’re not from around here. What made you move here?” Jared asks, swallowing his forkful of food.

Jensen has a lot of stock answers for that question. He’s found that a lot of people shy away from him awkwardly when he tells them the truth about needing to get away from the ghosts of his husband and unborn child. That’s a heavy conversation to delve into with a near stranger. So he goes for the less dark answer. “I needed a change of scenery. Things back home, in Dallas, where I’m from, were getting messy. I figured I needed to get out if I wanted to be able to clear my head and practice medicine the way I always enjoyed doing. There are less distractions here.” The irony of that statement does not escape Jensen as he looks up to meet the eyes of one such _distraction_.

“And you came all the way up north because…?” Jared lets his sentence trail off but it’s a clear question.

“Because it’s different. It’s something new and I think I needed new right now.” Shrugging, Jensen pauses to take a bite of food. “How about you? You live in Bar Harbor long?”

“Me?” Jared makes a noise in the back of his throat and Jensen’s not sure if it is a scoff or a sound of disbelief that Jensen wants to know more about him. Making an open hand gesture, Jared bites his lip. “I’ve been here a little over eight years. Don’t know why I came all the way up here. I was in my twenties then. Stupid and just out of nursing school. I had a professor who split her time between Texas and Maine. She put in a good word for me at Mount Desert Island Hospital and I wanted to prove to everyone in my life that I could make it on my own. Turns out I can, and I’ve been independent ever since. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss Austin sometimes.” With a sad sigh, he takes a drink of water.

Jensen is surprised at that. He knows Jared’s accent betrays the fact that he’s from out of town but it’s subtle enough that he wouldn’t have guessed the man is from Texas. “Ever think of going back?”

Jared almost spits out his water. “To Texas?” He shakes his head softly. “No. I…not really. Not anymore. Thought about it a while back but then… _things_ got complicated. I…” He exhales in some type of surrender and his words roll into each other. “Stuck around because of some guy. Boy that was stupid. Gave this guy three years of my life and he walks out of the picture in the blink of an eye.”

Nodding in understanding, Jensen knows what being hung up on someone can do to a person. He’s thankful he’s never had to deal with being walked out on but he’s lost someone too, just in a different way. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m better off anyway. Turns out…this guy? Yeah, I thought I loved him. I’m not so sure of it now. It was the kind of relationship you get so wrapped up in that you lose yourself. That’s what happened to me and Ricky never was the man I built him up to be. Walked out on me when I ended up pregnant…I…” Sucking in a sharp breath, Jared closes his eyes for a moment. “Shit, I’m sorry. I’m rambling about this and…well…this isn’t exactly light hearted get-to-know-you style conversation.” He covers his eyes with his palms. “Christ, you must think I’m pathetic to babble about my broken heart and…well…I dunno. Everyone in town knows Ricky left me when I got pregnant. Figured it was only a matter of time till you did too. But it’s fine. Really. My little girl and I are doing just fine.”

Jensen’s not sure what to say to that but he now understands why Jared’s been standoffish. Being abandoned is the type of burn that comes with a long lasting sting. “I don’t think you’re pathetic. Why would I? Because you’re doing _this_ on your own and doing a damn good job at it?”

Jared’s chest puffs up at that compliment. “I’m trying to do a good job. If only things like stairwells would stop getting in my way.”

The attempt at a joke is well placed and Jensen lets himself laugh. “I’ve lost things – people – too, Jared. I get it. So…the rambling? It’s okay. I do it too. Did it when I first met you, remember?”

“That’s good. ‘Cause, I talk a lot.” Jared grins.

Jensen wouldn’t have thought that before today. Jared’s been on the sideline of actual conversation but now, he can see a glimpse of that being true. He doesn’t mind it one bit.

It feels good to have a friend to talk to in a town he’s not a true part of yet.

***

Jared knows he’s in trouble when he finds himself seeking out Jensen’s company.

Going out to lunch as friends worked out a little too well.

The spark of an instant connection that he’d been skirting around was unavoidable after they both willingly went out of their way to get to know each other.

Where Jensen comes with a slue of well thought out actions, Jared finds himself reining in his spontaneity. Somehow, they found a comfortable balance between their personalities and it helped the conversation flow.

They have more to connect on than being from Texas and in the medical field.

It’s refreshing.

Jared is well liked by his colleagues and he has friends but things have been complicated since Ricky left. Being with someone for three years changes you if you let it and Jared found himself circling around most of Ricky’s friends and family.

With them yanked out of his world and Ricky very obviously stating that he wants nothing to do with Jared or the baby, Jared’s found himself on the edge of awkward socialization. Everyone likes him but no one knows who he really is. He doesn’t currently have time to work on that because he’s picking up as many shifts as he can to help pad his bank account for when he has to take paternity leave. The rest of his time is spent sleeping, eating, and taking care of his little peanut.

Jensen’s refreshing because he doesn’t know any other side of the story than the one Jared is telling him. He comes with no preconceived notions and offers sound advice.

It’s what gets Jared in trouble.

From the first day he met Jensen, Jared knew in his heart of hearts that those green eyes would drive him crazy. Jensen’s good looking but there is more to what’s intriguing Jared. He’s got a past and curiosity is about to kill the cat because Jared can’t stop trying to figure him out. There’s pain there that Jared recognizes and it partially mirrors his own painful experiences. Yet, there is more, it seems deep and Jared’s afraid of opening a can of worms he’s not sure he could deal with.

He plays it safe at first. He comes up with ways to sit with Jensen at lunch, seemingly by accident.

When they are working the same shift, they repeatedly bump into each other in the staff lounge and fall into conversation. Jared knows Molly is _loving_ this fact, considering it backs up her original thought that Jared is flirting with Jensen.

Jared’s shocked to find out that that’s _exactly_ what he is doing. He laughs and smiles at Jensen, even goes out of his way to pop one of the ginger candies in his mouth when he knows Jensen’s looking. Truth is, they do work and Jared could kiss Jensen for introducing them to him. He could kiss Jensen for a lot of reasons. Jared’s not sure he has any right in the world to be interested in Jensen but he can’t help himself.

Meals in the faculty lounge turn into more meals together outside of work until Jared’s heart flips over in his chest when Jensen grabs his hand and pulls him into an empty exam room.

“Go out to dinner with me.” Jensen says after wetting his lips.

Jared’s hand tingles where Jensen touched it and he has to look down at it just to make sure that it’s still completely normal. It’s stupid to think that a touch could make him shiver, but it does. He’s not brave enough to blame it on Jensen so he blames it on his daughter for making him overly sensitive. “Yeah…okay,” he chokes out.

“But not as a ‘friend date’”, Jensen clarifies.

“No, of course not.” Jared’s mouth feels dry. It’s the second time in 5 weeks that Jensen’s asked him out and he owes it to himself to answer honestly. “Dinner date, then? Like, a _date_ date?”

“Yeah. That okay?” Tugging at his white lab coat, Jensen smoothes out the fabric.

“Uh huh,” Jared answers dumbly while nodding, and then he adds, “I’m pregnant.” He thinks he’s adding the words because he wants to make sure Jensen knows what he’s signing up for even though he _knows_ that Jensen has first-hand knowledge of his pregnancy.

“Oh, is that what _that_ is?” Jensen says with a laugh and gesture to Jared’s distended middle. “I thought it was an inoperable growth.”

“Shup up!” Jared comes back to himself and thumps the back of his hand across Jensen’s chest. “If you ever call my daughter ‘an inoperable growth’ again I’ll stand you up on our date.” The warning is so full of laughter that he knows he’s not fooling anyone.

And he’s in trouble. Because he’s going out on a _date_ date with Jensen.

His coworker.

The one who makes his heart flutter and scares the shit out of him with the potential to get lost in whatever is building between them.

***

Dinner is amazing, just as Jared expected it to be.

Since Jensen already knew where Jared lives, he insisted on picking Jared up. It’s cliché but the warmth in the gesture does something funny to Jared’s nerves. It makes him feel cared for.

Thankfully, it’s enough to push down the guilt he’s been harboring. Parts of his brain is stuck on feeling guilty over focusing on himself and his happiness over focusing on his daughter’s future. Logically he knows it isn’t selfish to seek a bit of happiness, but he can’t help but be terrified over the fact that he’s getting wrapped up in something that could ruin him all over again.

Ricky leaving was one thing. He’d barely gotten a grasp on the fact that he was actually going to be a parent. It made it easy to focus on himself and get his plans in order.

Now, it’s impossible to think of himself. His daughter’s kicking, punching, and rolling around makes certain of that. He’s gotten used to thinking of her all the time and now that he’s doing something for himself, it’s easy to feel guilty.

But the date goes perfectly. There is no discomfort in switching over from friendly hangouts to something with more coy looks and romantic implications.

Their conversation is just as easy flowing as it’s been before, but it’s easy to start a conversation when their careers focus on the same ideas. It’s not hard to relate to someone who has no one in Bar Harbor to lean on for support because Jared’s become a pro at that.

When they are at the restaurant, Jared feels safer in the sense that the date has a clear course of action. They order dinner, eat, and talk. He ends up getting dessert out of the deal, which is phenomenal considering he was practically dying for bread pudding even though he swore he hated it.

What terrified him is the end of the date. There are all these emotions and feelings bubbling up inside him and when they get going and start colliding into one another, Jared’s overwhelmed. His skin is itching to feel Jensen’s on his again because even though it was a simple tugging of his hand, when Jensen grabbed him the other day, it was the first tender gesture he’d been on the receiving end of in months.

Jared’s heart speeds up and might start skipping beats because he feels a bit light headed. The sensation builds the entire trip back towards his apartment. Even the climb towards his apartment doesn’t dampen Jared’s mood because he’s stuck on the fact that Jensen’s sneaking quick, shy glances at him as they drive.

Parking the car, Jensen moves to unbuckle his seatbelt and get out. “Here, let me walk you to your apartment door. You know, just to make sure no stairs sneak up on you.”

“They’re tricky, those stairs. I dunno if you can handle them.”

“Try me.”

Jared has to bite his tongue to prevent himself from saying that he would really like to.

They walk up the stairs in silence, comfortable on Jensen’s end but Jared’s about to burst out of his skin. There are a thousand reasons why he should not kiss Jensen Ackles but not one of them enters his mind when they reach his door and he just goes for it. He pitches forward and lands his lips on Jensen’s with perfect accuracy.

Eyes fluttering closed, Jared tries to get a feel for what’s happening. His brain only got as far as deciding to kiss Jensen. He doesn’t have a backup plan for when it all blows up in his face. It’s obvious that Jensen is frozen, and not in the “you just kissed me silly” kind of way. Jensen is paralyzed, eyes wide and a shocked inhale of air inflating his lungs.

“Shit,” Jared mumbles as he pulls away. His cheeks burn with embarrassment and there are chips in his heart where hopefulness previously resided. “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have…” He doesn’t bother looking at Jensen as he fumbles with his keys, feeling every bit the idiot. _Of course_ , Jensen doesn’t want to kiss him. What was Jared thinking? Why on earth would Jensen want to get wrapped up with a person who comes with baggage _and_ a kid. A wave of heat hits him and he wants to cry while hating himself for it at the same time. Before being pregnant, he can count on one hand how many times he cried in his adult life. Now? He’s like a walking brochure for every cliché symptom of pregnancy. Even more of a reason why he understands Jensen not being interested in the kiss.

He’s about to duck into his apartment and crawl under the blankets in hopes of staying there until he suffocates his shame when Jensen grabs his forearm and prevents him from fleeing.

“Jared! Wait!”

“It’s okay, Jensen. I get it. You don’t have to explain. Just…don’t make this any worse than it is.” Jared tries to avoid Jensen’s eyes but the man is refusing to let up his hold. It makes him curious enough to look up and find that Jensen doesn’t look disgusted with him in the slightest. Instead, he looks conflicted and broken, almost on the verge of shivering. “Jensen?”

“It’s not you…I…” Jensen swallows. “I...I haven’t kissed anyone in four years since my…my husband passed away unexpectedly.” His voice cracks and his breathing goes shaky. “It’s not the kiss…it’s not you. I just…I haven’t….and then you…” His words jumble together.

Jared’s left trying to pick Jensen’s response apart to make sense of it. Gone are the feelings of rejection, replaced by concern. “Oh, Jensen…I didn’t know.”

“I know…I should have told you. I mean, I told you I lost someone but…Yeah…so…it’s not you Jared. You’re great. You’re…” Voice cracking again, Jensen looks up at the ceiling and shakes his head. “I should want to kiss you. I _do_ want to kiss you. I thought…I thought I would be able to. But…four years is a long time and I…”

“Shh,” Jared says as he figures out what to do with his hands. He wants to hug Jensen but he figures that type of connection might be too much as well. “It’s okay.” It’s the lamest phrase but Jared has no idea how to comfort someone still mourning the loss of his or her spouse. It sets off a chain of questions in Jared’s brain and he tries to fill in all the blanks with the new information about Jensen. “Please don’t worry about it. It’s enough that you want to kiss me. _It’s enough_.”

Jensen runs a hand over his face, seemingly wiping away the emotional pain that washed over it. “I didn’t mean to ruin our night. I…I didn’t expect this to happen because I…I really enjoyed dinner with you.”

Smiling softly, Jared mirrors the sentiment. “I did too. Best date I’ve had in a long time.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Even with me letting your perfectly good kiss go to waste?”

“Even with.” Jared nods. “Don’t worry, it’s a replenishable resource.” They stare at each other in the aftermath of the emotional bomb that went off between them. They’re dealing with a deadbeat boyfriend and a dead husband. Those are odds for a difficult road but Jared leans up and kisses Jensen softly on the lips. “Let’s do the beginning part of our night again, okay? We can talk more if you’re ready to.” He doesn’t let Jensen answer because he doesn’t want to put him on the spot and make him feel like he owes Jared more of an explanation than he’s already given.

Taking his leave, Jared disappears into his apartment, falling back against the closed door with his fingers tracing over his lips. They taste so much like confusion and heartache that Jared’s not sure which one of them the taste is coming from.

***

Jensen falls into his bed without bothering to undress or turn the lights on.

He’s gotten good at navigating in the dark because sometimes the light is too painful to handle.

His heart is a twisted muscle of conflict and guilt.

If he’d met Jared years ago, none of this would be happening. But he didn’t. He met him now and he can’t help feeling that there is more of a connection between them. Jared is someone who needs help even though he’s trying desperately not to. There are medical things going on that Jared can’t control but Jensen can manage them. The problem is, Jensen’s drowning.

He’s been running away from that fact for years, ran all the way to Maine.

In meeting Jared, for the first time in as many years he feels like he can breathe just enough to sustain life.

All of that is overwhelming.

He’s been told by friends, family, and medical professionals that he needs to get over Kenneth’s death. He understands that. But none of those people know what it is like to watch your husband and unborn child die while being helpless to do anything about it. It’s not his fault but his heart doesn’t know that.

Moving away let those feelings go dormant enough to find an interest in Jared but the kiss shoved them all to the forefront of Jensen’s brain.

He wanted to kiss Jared back, let himself melt into that type of connection with another human being. It’s guilt that kept him from doing so. People told him four years is long enough to mourn but it doesn’t feel that way when every night he closes his eyes and feels like the accident had just happened. The pain is reawakened and made fresh with the knowledge that Jensen’s living another day of his life on earth when his loved ones can’t.

Squeezing his eyes close, he feels the tears eek out. They’re familiar and remind him that he’s not as put together as he’s fooled everyone into thinking he is.

Focusing on breathing for several moments, Jensen tries to work his way through the same argument he’s had hundreds of times. He knows, without a shred of a doubt, that Kenneth wouldn’t want him to live like this. That’s what makes it worse somehow.

Because Jared? He’s pretty much everything Kenneth wasn’t. He’s what Jensen needs because he’s most definitely _not_ Kenneth but he’s finding a way of stirring Jensen to life the same way Kenneth did.

He _wanted_ to kiss Jared and wonders what would have happened if he did.

Would Kenneth come down to smite him?

The thought itself is ludicrous and makes him let out a shaky laugh.

No, Kenneth wouldn’t punish him. He would feel like four years is enough time spent cloistered away from the world. Jared seems like he needs someone too and Kenneth would understand the idea of two people trying to figure out how to come back from living a life of imposed isolation.

Jensen’s frightened but from the way Jared was shaking against him, he figures maybe Jared is too.

The guilt’s been doing a good job of masking it, but the warmth Jensen feels for Jared is growing. He finds himself wanting to be around Jared as much as Jared seems to seek out Jensen.

What he feels for Jared is not a type of redemption for not being able to save Kenneth but redemption from the way he’s chastised himself.

His cheeks are tear-streaked when he passes out from emotional exhaustion but the nightmares don’t come. Instead, he dreams of Jared’s kiss, only, this time, Jensen kisses back.

 


	4. Chapter 4

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/14188744259/)

Jensen hasn’t seen Jared in two days. Part of that is because they’re working alternating shifts and the other part is because he’s not sure how to come back from the emotional panic he displayed after Jared tried to kiss him.

Today, however, seeing Jared is unavoidable because Jensen’s on obstetrics duty and Jared’s supposed to come in for his increasingly regular check up.

Jared is right on time; he’s waiting in the exam room Connie showed him to. Jensen’s supposed to go in there and do _something_ but he’s unable to will himself out of his office. It’s not because he doesn’t want to see Jared, quite the opposite in fact; Jared is all he’s been thinking about. What’s hindering him is the fact that he’s on the precipice of a decision that’s going to change things.

Tugging at his collar and straightening his shirt out, he gets to his feet and heads towards Jared’s exam room. Inhaling deeply, he lets out a slow breath before he knocks gently and pushes inside. Jared’s head is dipped away from him but he gives Jensen an almost tentative glance. It’s enough to do that thing Jared always does to Jensen’s heart and the beats double. “Hi, Jared.”

“Hi, Jensen.” Jared licks his lips and swallows. He repeats the action and sits up straighter.

“So, how are you feeling?” Jensen closes the door behind him and smiles. The tension between them is there but it’s thin enough to know that actually talking to each other will break it.

“Good. Well, good for me. I still feel like crap but I feel less crappy than usual. And there hasn’t been any bleeding, so that’s _really_ good.”

“That’s good to hear.” Jensen smiles. “How’s the little lady doing?”

Placing one hand on each side of his belly, Jared smiles. “She’s good. I can’t believe I didn’t feel her a few weeks ago but now all she does is clamor for my attention.”

“Well, she’s about to get a lot more attention. How about we check her out first, make sure she’s doing well?” Jensen makes a head nod towards the ultrasound cart.

“Absolutely.”

The routine is one Jared is familiar with. He gets with the program and reclines on the table, pulling the hem of his shirt up to expose his belly.

It’s obvious to Jensen that it curves out further than when they first met, Jared’s belly button popping with the growth of his daughter. He forgoes the ultrasound for a moment and grabs the measuring tape, sighing in satisfaction at the measurements of Jared’s middle. “You gained a few inches. That’s good. You were measuring on the smaller side before, so…” He lets his sentence trail off into a smile.

“Say’s you who doesn’t have to sit behind a steering wheel with a baby belly,” Jared snorts. There isn’t much heat behind it because it follows it up with a laugh. The laugh stops abruptly when he winces and scrunches up his face. “Ouff!”

“She kicking you?” Jensen asks.

“Yeah. Hardest kick yet.” Jared stares at his middle like he’s trying to reason with it. “Here, feel.” He grabs Jensen’s hand and presses it to his belly.

Jensen freezes and it’s like the kiss all over again. Sure, he’s in a medical field and he’s dealt with countless pregnant people but he hasn’t touched someone’s pregnant belly like this in over 4 years. The touch has nothing to do with medicine and everything to do with the excitement over proof of life. The hesitation his heart is feeling in being put in the situation evaporates the moment he feels a flutter against his palm.

Just like that, Jensen can’t stop smiling. It’s such a simple thing that his medical brain is confused as to why he’s awed by it. He knows there is a baby in there and he knows it moves. However, knowing and feeling are two different things. Involuntarily, his body shifts closer and his palm finds a more solid place on Jared’s belly. The flutter is there again, soft for Jensen but Jared lets out a punch of air, indication that the baby’s hitting sensitive spots inside Jared. “Oh, wow, Jared…she…”

“Told you. She never stops moving,” Jared says with a smile. He’s got both hands on Jensen’s, one holding his wrist in place and the other flat over Jensen’s knuckles to keep it there.

When they look at each other they both look breathless and actually swallow thickly at the same time.

Jared’s belly feels warm and alive under Jensen’s hands and fills the void where a part of Jensen was ripped away. It’s dangerously addicting, prompting Jensen to shake his head, clear his thoughts, and nod towards the ultrasound cart again. “So…that scan…we should – ”

Jared blinks several times, breaking out of the moment. “Yeah. We should.”

In slow motion, Jensen pulls his hand away. He reaches for the ultrasound gel and squirts a spiral of it over the place his palm resided moments ago. It doesn’t take him long to roll the transducer around and locate the baby. She’s hard to miss.

True to Jared’s word, she makes sure all attention is on her. She’s wide-awake and twisting around, showing them her little butt.

Jared snorts, reminding Jensen that Jared can read an ultrasound scan as well as he can, maybe even better.

It makes the appointment easy because he doesn’t have to point out everything. Jared’s clued in.

Still, seeing the baby on the screen stirs up a wave of emotion in Jensen. He feels warm all over, awed by the miracle of life and that he can be a part of it. It’s why he’s a doctor but this feels more personal. He sighs, loud enough for Jared to turn his head and lock eyes with him.

Not sure what to do with that gaze, Jensen flips a switch and the sound of the baby’s heart beat floods the room. It does absolutely nothing to distract Jensen from the awe he is feeling. Instead, he’s even more caught up in a rush of warm, fuzzy feelings.

Jared’s little girl is happy as a clam, snuggled safe and sound in Jared’s womb without any clue as to the struggles Jared is going through.

She’s as perfect as any growing baby can be and she shifts when Jensen needs her to, making him think she’s extra special because she must be on the same wavelength as him. It’s stupid but Jensen melts over the thought.

“Sounds good, Jared.” Jensen’s not looking at the screen anymore but he’s got the transducer in place so the heartbeat keeps whooping in their ears. Jared turns away from the screen as well, looking at Jensen with a serene face. “Hey, Jared?”

“Hmm?”

“About that kiss – ” Jensen starts.

“Don’t worry about it, Jensen. I told you. Take as much time as you want. It’s okay – mmph!” Jared’s eyes go wide when Jensen’s lips pressing against his own cut off his words.

Jensen’s heart is thundering in his chest, beating so hard he might go into cardiac arrest. He thinks, he’s glad he’s in a hospital with people who can save his life if his heart does in fact stop beating. He’s been thinking about kissing Jared for two days and an exam room in the middle of where they work is not the right place but it’s the right gesture. There are places far more romantic to delve into a _real_ first kiss but none of them come to mind. Right now, with Jared’s daughter’s heartbeat echoing in their ears, Jensen knows kissing Jared is worth dealing with the fear he’s felt about it.

Jared’s lips respond immediately. He kisses back, working against Jensen’s lips. It’s awkward for a second, as all first kisses are, but they get the hang of it so fast that the awkwardness is barely a whisper. Jared’s arms land around Jensen’s neck so they can pull him down closer, deepening the kiss.

It takes a moment for Jensen to realize the little sighs and gasps he’s hearing are actually from both of them. Heart tumbling around in his chest, Jensen cups Jared’s face, pulling apart just enough to speak. “I don’t want any more time. I…this is good.” His nerves hit him, and he repeats the phrase as a question. “This _is_ good, right?”

“Yeah. It’s good.” Smiling against Jensen’s lips, Jared closes his eyes and cranes his neck to capture the kiss again.

They get lost like that. Honestly, Jensen’s surprised. He’s gone from hesitating over the kiss to needing Jared’s lips more than air. It’s like the kiss opened up a floodgate to what Jensen’s been missing and he _needs_ it. It’s igniting all his senses and a rush of adrenaline courses through him. Fingers laced in Jared’s hair, Jensen cradles his head and coaxes Jared’s lips open so he can swipe his tongue inside. Jared does the same, and they find themselves in a desperate attempt to kiss so deeply that they’re merging with as much of each other as they can.

A soft knock, unnoticed by both men, lands against the exam room door before it is pushed open, “Dr. Ackles? Your next – Oh!” Connie steps into the room, covering her mouth at the sight before her.

Jensen pulls away like he’s been caught with his hand in the cookie jar while Jared flushes red. Their eyes are wide as they look nervously towards each other before clearing their throats and avoiding Connie’s gaze.

Coughing, Jensen straightens out his lab coat. “Yes, Connie, what is it?”

“I uh…” Connie starts stammering before she can get out, “wanted to let you know your next patient is here. She’s been waiting quite a while. I just wanted to make sure everything is okay.” She smirks. “Apparently, it is.”

“Yes…well…Thank you. Umm…tell her I will be right there.” Running a hand through his hair, Jensen tries to look like the professional he’s supposed to be. His heart is still thudding so loudly that he wonders if Connie hears it.

“Okaaaaay,” Connie says, drawing out the response and giving them a raised eyebrow to know she’s on to them and is never, _ever_ , going to forget it. She leaves them alone again, closing the door loudly.

“Oh my god!” Jared covers his face with both hands. “They’re going to think I am some complete, desperate fool who came on to the hot new doctor.”

All Jensen got from that was the last part. He raises his eyebrows in approval. “You think I’m hot?”

 _“Seriously?”_ Jared asks with a laugh. He blushes again and shrugs playfully. “Of course I think you’re hot. You…you’re…” He yanks Jensen by his tie and pulls him in for another kiss to help punctuate just how sexy he thinks he is.

Jensen doesn’t mind one bit. He hums in satisfaction as Jared kisses him but groans when he has to pull away in breaking the kiss. He’d love to continue what they’ve started but they both have jobs to do. Smirking, he combs a hand through his own hair again. “Well, they’re just going to have to realize that I kissed the sexy world class R.N. first. So I started it.”

Knocking their foreheads together, Jared buzzes with happiness over Jensen’s words. “So…dinner tonight?”

“Sounds good,” Jensen breathes out as their lips graze one last time. Dinner sounds _really_ good but even better is the fact that nosy nurses can’t barge in on the middle of their night.

***

Jared’s smiling.

He does that a lot now.

It _might_ have something to do with a gorgeous doctor who’s as good with his lips as he is with diagnoses. Actually, it has _everything_ to do with that and Jared’s aware that people are noticing.

Gary, the nurse he’s doing rounds with, elbows him in the ribs, gently enough to avoid Jared’s belly. “Why are you so smiley today?”

“No-nothing.” Jared says but the smile is still on his face.

Overhearing, Molly jogs around the corner of her station and hooks her arm around Jared’s. “Bullshit. Unless nothing is a little over six feet tall and has green eyes and looks at you like you’re the reason his heart is beating.”

Jared’s shocked at her inference but he realizes he’s been caught so he rolls his eyes and shakes his head playfully. “Yeah, nothing might look something like that.”

“You two are so _cute_ ,” Molly gushes. “Seriously! Do you realize it? He’s giving you these puppy eyes and you give them right back. You’re – ”

Jared gives her a friendly punch to the arm. “Shut up. It’s…we _don’t_ do _that_.”

“Oh, yes you do. It’s kind of…like…are you two even real? Do people really do _that_?” Gary adds, not taking his eyes off the file he’s reading as they walk down the hallway.

Jared blushes. He doesn’t think they are _that_ bad. Actually, they’ve been taking things really slow. He guesses that’s why they are stuck in the “butterflies in the tummy” stage that Jared hasn’t felt since high school.

They’ve been seeing each other more days a week than they don’t and Jared’s not professional enough to resist making out with Jensen in the supply room once or twice. It’s completely innocent because, while they have mastered kissing, Jared’s terrified to even think about anything else. He _wants_ Jensen but…aside from his whole pelvic rest situation…he’s definitely not ready to deal with the type of statement that crossing that bridge will make.

Kissing and dating makes his heart feel lighter. He’s happy to stay there but he’s guarded enough so that he _forbids_ his brain to get too far ahead of itself. Whatever he has with Jensen is fun for now but he can’t afford to let himself be vulnerable. He’s going to have a baby in 10 weeks and he needs to keep that at the forefront of his priorities.

He’s so lost in his thoughts that he doesn’t realize Molly has left them and he and Gary are being thrown into a whirlwind of a day. They don’t seem to have a heavy caseload, which always fills Jared with unease. Without fall, those types of days turn into monsters. As much as he’d been on cloud nine, Jared’s aware that he’s in for a rough time. He woke up feeling achier than usual and wonders why his pregnancy can’t give him a break and give him trouble on his days off.

Instead, he’s left to spend a double shift on his feet, walking what he _swears_ to be the length of ten football fields. He doesn’t do any heavy lifting, but walking is enough to leave him out of breath. Gary picks up his slack while he sits on a bench and tries to find the strength to keep going. He has no idea how he’s going to get through 10 more weeks of work in his condition and he hates himself for that thought. He _swore_ he wouldn’t let anything stop him but right now the tightness in his middle and the nausea he’s been battling make him want to throw in the towel and admit defeat.

He doesn’t.

Instead, he forces himself up when someone coding is announced and he is the only nurse in the area. He kicks into action, adrenaline keeping him on his feet and helping him swiftly intubate the man he’s desperately trying to save. He’s working with Jensen for the first time in a while, and he’s glad for it. After most of the med staff agree they should call time of death, Jensen keeps working. He’s like Jared in that way. They keep going and it’s a good thing they’ve paired up because there’s a pulse.

Exhausted, Jared lets people take his place. He allows himself to be pushed out into the hallway where he tries to catch his breath once again. It’s harder than he thought it should be. The pain in his middle is worse and he worries he might have over done it.

Jensen comes up beside him, a look of concern on his face. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah. I’m just tired. And I have this cramp right here,” Jared places his palm on the underside of his belly, “that won’t let up. It keeps coming and going.”

Jensen purses his lips together. “For how long?”

Thinking, Jared presses a hand to the small of his back and winces as a pain makes itself known. “I don’t know. Since I’ve been here.”

“How long have you been here?” Jensen puts his palm on Jared’s middle, all business. The touch has none of the sentiment it did when Jared pressed Jensen’s hand to his belly weeks ago.

“12 hours. Why?” Jared stifles another groan because Jensen looks freaked out and he’s not sure what to do about that.

“Shit, Jared.” Jensen lets out a loud breath. “I think you’re in labor.”

“What?” Jared’s head spins. “No! That’s impossible. I’m only thirty weeks and I’m not…” Jared pauses as his brain runs through the events of the day. He catalogues everything that happened so far and gasps. Suddenly, he feels like an idiot. He has no idea how he missed every obvious sign that he’s having contractions. Stupidly, he thought that today was just another extension of feeling crappy. “Oh my god.” His heart thuds in his chest and panic hits him instantly. “I’m in labor.” The words leave his mouth like he can’t believe them. “Jensen…I…” Licking his lips, he swallows and looks around frantically.

“Shh, Jared…it’s…don’t panic. Okay?” Jensen gets his arms around Jared, pulling him into a hug.

Jared’s not sure how much good a hug could do right now. He’s been on the opposite side of this coin and the fact that he knows _everything_ about the dangers of preterm labor makes him find it hard to breathe. He’s choking on air and doing exactly the opposite of what Jensen suggested.

“Whoa, Jared! Hey, look at me. Look at me!” Jensen has to yell to finally get Jared’s attention. “It’s okay. We’re going to stop it. We _can_ stop it, but I need you to breathe and not pass out on me. Okay?”

“Okay.” Jared nods. All his medical training leaves his head because he can’t remember one thing he is supposed to do, leaving him to stare expectantly at Jensen.

Thankfully, Jensen barks orders. Jared is ushered into a hospital bed and Jensen assesses the situation.

Turns out, Jared _is_ having regular contractions he was just too distracted to realize that fact. He’s also dilating enough, which is terrifying on its own but adding the fact that the placenta is completely covering his cervix makes it doubly so.

Jensen doesn’t leave him. Not once. He actually growls angrily when the chief of medicine suggests he take care of his prior patients and let another doctor take over.

If anyone was unsure about the rumors swirling around Jared and Jensen’s relationship, Jensen’s actions put them all to rest.

He’s full of reassurances and calming words as he assesses Jared and the baby.

Jared starts feeling a bit like a lab rat when they hook him up to a million monitors and start him on a round of Magnesium Sulfate. He doesn’t mind it but it scares him. He’s afraid to move, as if one wrong shift will send his world toppling down and hurt both of them.

He looks at Jensen for some type of hope to grab onto but Jensen’s lost in a world of determination. Under the surface, Jared can see fear there. It makes him reach out and squeeze Jensen’s hand, questioning who’s in need of encouragement more.

Hitting a bumpy patch, Jared’s labor doesn’t slow down at all. It gets more intense, and he cries out, pitching into Jensen’s arms and refusing to let him go. For a moment, he doesn’t care how much of a desperate fool he looks like. He can’t think straight in the world of panic that’s encompassing him. “Please, baby,” he whispers towards his middle. “Please wait a little longer.”

Jensen sighs at his side and brushes back his sweaty hair. “Jared, I’m trying. Okay? But there is a very real possibility that she can come today. If that happens, I gotta take her. If her vitals or yours go down, I’ve got to deliver her. The placenta…the labor can rupture it. If I have to make the call between giving her a few weeks or avoiding you bleeding out, I’m going to have to deliver her. She’s thirty weeks. She’s got a shot. You _know_ she’s got a shot.”

Jared shakes his head up and down because it’s all he can manage. He _does_ know. He understands. He knew going into this pregnancy that his placenta previa could land him in this situation. Crying, he bites his bottom lip. “I’m an idiot.”

“What?” Jensen asks with wide shocked eyes.

“I’m an idiot. I…I shouldn’t have been working. I…I shouldn’t….” He lets out a shaky cry. “I don’t deserve her.”

“Of course you do!” Jensen cups Jared’s jaw and forces him to look his way. “Don’t say that. _Of course_ you deserve her.”

“No I don’t. She’s not even here and I’m already a shitty father. I shouldn’t have been working but…I need the money and I can’t afford… _anything_. What kind of parent can’t provide for their kid before she’s even here?” Jared realizes he is rambling; all of his fanatical fears being spun into several sentences and plopped into Jensen’s lap.

“You deserve her, Jared.” Jensen stares at Jared with a refusal to back down. “You do. You _want_ her. A child deserves to be wanted and you’ve got that down pat. You love her. You can find money but you can’t force love or want. You’re not an idiot. You didn’t go into this knowing you would hurt her. You’re a nurse, you know how far you can push your body. Problem is, sometimes our bodies like to shock us.” He kisses Jared’s forehead. “Now, I need to check your vitals and assess the situation. Gotta keep everyone safe, right?”

Jared nods but the tears in his eyes make Jensen blurry. He knows all of his coworkers are watching him fall apart but he doesn’t care. He’ll get over it.

His blood goes cold when he actually hears Jensen make it clear to everyone in the room that their priority is keeping Jared and his daughter safe. That outweighs risking either of their lives by delaying delivery for some long shot of a chance that everything will turn out okay.

Jared swears he will do whatever Jensen deems necessary to make sure they both come out of this healthy. Jared _needs_ his daughter but his daughter needs him just as much. He’s not reckless. He’s determined to fight for her. Problem is, fighting got a whole lot harder.

***

Minutes go by as slow as days, but things take a turn and Jared’s contractions start to taper off. The treatment kicks in and does its job. Jared still looks terrified that things could have gone wrong but he manages to give a relieved laugh when Jensen tells him things are slowing down.

Only when Jensen’s sure everything is stabilized does he take a seat at the edge of Jared’s hospital bed. The man looks conflicted, defiant yet helpless to go through whatever his body has planned for him. He blinks weary eyes at him and hopes he can get across to the man the severity of his predicament. “Jared, I need you to understand that you’re going to have to be on strict bed rest until she’s born. I’m serious. No more working. No walking around. It’s gonna be too much for your body to handle if you throw gravity into the mix.” He pinches the bridge of his nose and breathes out slowly. Emotionally, he feels like he’s been through the wringer and he can’t even begin to imagine how Jared feels. His shift ended hours ago, at the very beginning of Jared’s scare, but there isn’t anything that can pull him away from seeing Jared’s treatment through.

Jared nods in a way that lets Jensen know he will do anything Jensen suggests. “Yeah. Okay. I get it. I can take off. Put in for my leave a bit early.” The hands folded on his belly have taken up a route where they ghost over the middle of the swell and then circle around the sides before repeating.

Biting his lip, Jensen isn’t sure how to bridge the concern building in his mind. He knows Jared’s dedicated, but there is no way Jared can get through this next leg of his pregnancy alone. He’s going to need help because bed rest and the solitude of a walk up apartment? That’s not a good combination. He doesn’t want to be presumptuous but Jensen has to ask. “Do you have anyone you can stay with?”

“Why?”

“I was just thinking…if you want the bed rest to do the trick, you’re going to need someone to help you out around the house. You know, with little things like food shopping and laundry.”

Jared stays silent. His eyes fix on the machines still monitoring his vitals and he sucks in his lip.

“Jared, you can’t do it by yourself as much as you want to. I’ve been to your apartment. There is no way you can walk up and down those steps to get to a laundromat or the supermarket. So I was wondering if there was anyone you could stay with or who could stay with you for the time being.” He’s treading lightly because this isn’t his business. He’s getting to know Jared but they still have shrouded information about each other and Jensen respects that. He knows what it’s like to keep some things out of view for a while. He’s guilty of it too.

“No,” Jared says and the single syllable answer hangs like a heavy weight in the middle of the room.

As much as Jensen suspected the answer, he was hoping that it wasn’t true. “So…”

Jared sighs and falls back against the pillow at the head of the bed. He blows a piece of hair out of his face before trailing his hands away from his belly to cover his eyes. “I’ve got no one who’d take me in. Not here. And most of my family is still in Texas. Besides, my parents aren’t too thrilled with me. They consider my move here to be ‘running away’ and they’re none too happy with this whole pregnancy out of wedlock thing.” He snorts to get across just how ridiculous he thinks that fact is. “Told me I’m on my own. Kinda hoping that will change when she’s born but,” he shrugs, “I’m not banking on it.”

Jensen doesn’t pity Jared but he can’t pretend that his heart doesn’t break for him. He doesn’t know Jared’s parents but he can’t help but wonder what the hell is wrong with them. They’re giving up on a grandchild. Jensen has firsthand experience in dealing with grandparents who would give their right hand to be in Jared’s parents’ place. It makes Jensen’s head spin.

Jensen has a lot of support. True, he’s run away from most of it in the past months but it’s because he was suffocating under it. He’s gotten as far as he has because of that support and he never took it for granted. It makes him realize that he’s in a position to offer some support of his own; a way of giving back to the world in his own way. He’s spent too many years being angry over what the world took away from him that it’s blinded him to how much he’s been given. “Come stay with me,” he blurts out.

“W-what?” Jared’s lashes flutter rapidly and he swings his head towards Jensen. “You can’t be serious.”

“I am.” For a moment, Jensen feels crazy. He’s only met Jared 10 weeks ago. It should be against any relationship rule to live together in such a short amount of time but sometimes extenuating circumstances come into play. It should feel wrong, rushed, and scary. It sure as hell does feel scary but nothing about it feels wrong. There is a yearning for it in his gut and Jensen knows he’s not asking Jared to move in out of pity. There are layers of reasons why he’s offering. “Come stay with me, Jared.” He repeats the words slowly so Jared knows he is serious. “I’ve got a large empty house that’s waiting for people to fill up the rooms. I work a lot; you know that. But I’m home enough to do the food shopping, laundry and whatever you need. _I can’t let you stay alone_.” Jensen’s aware that his last sentence comes across as desperate but it’s true. He wouldn’t be able to get through the day thinking of Jared being all-alone. He’d wonder if Jared needs something or if everything is okay.

Jared looks stunned. “I…I can’t.”

“You can. I’m telling you. I’d be happy to have you.”

“Jensen…that’s…that’s amazingly generous of you. But I couldn’t impose.”

Jensen puts up a palm to stop Jared. “You’re not imposing. I swear. I’ve got a spare room. It’s yours if you want it.” He licks his lips and gives an earnest smile. “Please, consider it?”

Overwhelmed, Jared runs both of his hands through his hair at the same time, holding them along the curve of his skull to keep the hair out of his face. “I…”

Jensen can read a lot of hesitation in Jared’s eyes. He gets it. Jensen’s feeling it too. He has no idea if this is a terrible idea for him and Jared but it’s a great idea for Jared’s daughter. He gets hooked on that notion and runs with it. “I’m just worried about your little girl.”

The words leave a sheen of moisture in Jared’s eyes. “Why do you gotta go and do that?”

“Do what?” Jensen asks.

“Bring her into it. Why do you gotta care about her so much?” Jared’s words are less of an accusation and more of an observation.

“How could I not?” It’s the only answer Jensen has to give because he’s not quite sure how to put all his feelings into words. Truthfully, he doesn’t understand them himself.

Jared wipes at the corner of his eyes and shakes his head slowly. “If you don’t mind – ”

“I don’t,” Jensen adds quickly.

“I’ll only stay till she’s born. I _promise_. After, I’ll get out of your hair. No one needs someone else’s crying newborn mucking up their lives.”

Jensen wants to tell Jared he’s wrong, that he’s been spending four years trying to figure out how to live without a crying newborn but this isn’t the time or place. “Stay as long as you need.”

“Only till she’s born,” Jared repeats with a nod.

There are things that go unsaid between them but their body language speaks volumes. Jared relaxes, his hand grabbing Jensen’s and turning it over so it’s palm up. His thumb dances across the middle, tracing a circle there.

“Thanks for taking care of us,” Jared lets out in a relieved whisper.

Jensen hopes it works out as planned because the last time he lived with a pregnant man didn’t end up so pretty. Even he can’t see any other options so he’s going to work his hardest to make sure he’s Jared’s support.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/14188820290/)

 

Jensen found himself opening his home to Jared before the logistics of it were planned out.

What he has is a three bedroom house with very little furniture in it. He’s found no need to put effort into decorating rooms that he thought would remain empty for the foreseeable future. Instead, he has a sparsely decorated bedroom, a kitchen table, a couch, and a television mounted on the wall.

Jared’s still going to remain admitted to the hospital for the day, leaving Jensen with the task of making sure Jared has a place to sleep.

It’s easier than he thought it would be.

He meets a terminally cheerful woman named Cindy at Trenten Furniture. She’s more than happy to help Jensen, proving to be good at her job by  making it easy to pick out a bedroom set for the room Jared’s going to be staying in. She hooks Jensen by rolling him into better deals if he buys more furniture, leaving him with a larger bill than expected and the promise that the furniture will be rushed over by the next day. In addition to the stuff for Jared’s will-be room and a mattress, he’s bought himself more furniture to help his T.V. room feel more cozy and welcoming, two recliners to bracket the empty areas on either side of the couch, and a desk he’s been meaning to purchase anyway.

The furniture shopping is actually easier than his next task of stocking the house with things he hopes Jared will find comfort in. He’s so far out of his element but he’s determined to buy more than the one towel he’s been surviving with. He gets eight new towels, stocks up on bed sheets and a comforter for Jared, buys four regularly sized pillows and one of those really long body pillows he remembers Kenneth liked. He stops by the bathroom department and buys everything that matches because he’s sure Jared will appreciate putting his toothbrush in a holder rather than leaving it on the bathroom sink like Jensen’s been doing.

In the end, he feels like he’s just worked an overnight shift and he’s not even done.

He has to wash everything, pack it into its rightful place, tidy up the bathroom, and it’s only then that he realizes Jared’s room doesn’t have anything to cover the bare windows. He’s not much of a curtain person but he has absolute faith in his abilities to install a set of blinds.

Another trip leaves him at Home Depot, where he buys blinds for the two windows in the guest room. He walks past the lighting department and wonders how on earth he forgot that he needs lamps – four of them. Some for Jared’s room but also one in the living room and one for the desk he bought. Now that he’s shopping, he gets caught up in it, adding more things to the list before he can get to the bottom of it.

He barely gets any sleep by the time deliverymen are ringing his bell and throwing him back into a busy schedule of making his house more homelike. Though they were helpful to begin with, after a generous tip, the deliverymen are more than happy to move the furniture around until Jensen’s happy with the position of it.

He rushes to put the clean sheets on the mattress, fluff up the pillows and tops it all off with the comforter. He puts four folded towels at the foot of the bed as well as an extra blanket. The two lamps are set up on the matching nightstands on each side of the bed and he’s done.

The room looks put together. It’s missing that lived in quality but Jensen’s not sure how he could have avoided that.

Looking around, he’s impressed by how quickly he pulled things together but he credits most of that to the urgency of Jared’s situation. He doesn’t want the man to go home to his apartment and is under the gun to have his house ready by the time Jared is being discharged this afternoon.

He finishes with enough time to go food shopping. All he knows is that Jared craves spicy food and bananas but he fills in the blanks with other dietary staples.

For the first time in a long time, Jensen realizes that he hasn’t thought of his heartache once in the last 48 hours. That’s one achievement but it’s an even bigger milestone that there isn’t any guilt either.

He can say, without a moment’s hesitation, he has more important things to deal with than the past.

***

As glad as Jared feels about being discharged from the hospital, he can’t seem to quiet his nerves. The hospital, despite how startling it was to be hooked up to monitors and an I.V. drip, is a second home to Jared. For the most part, he knows what to expect. Transplanting himself into Jensen’s home and life is infinitely less predictable. He also thinks he must have lost his mind somewhere between going into labor and being able to actually stop his contractions.

He’s pretty sure moving in with a man after knowing him for only ten weeks while being 30 weeks pregnant is a complicated situation. It’s basically the definition of moving too fast. He’s certain that if he looked up “rushed” in the dictionary, it would be the last year of Jared’s life in bulleted format.

What he’s gone through has sent him reeling. His life swung drastically in a different direction because seven months ago he was living with his no-good, waste-of-space boyfriend and now he’s moving in with his new…boyfriend?

He’s not even sure what Jensen is other than amazing.

Jensen’s like his knight in shining armor only with less metal plating and more not-too-shiny lab coats.

God knows he didn’t rush things with Ricky and that situation blew up anyway. Three years with a guy and he figured he deserved to be treated better than to be left at the first sign of actually having to man up and being an adult. Taking his time with situations didn’t play out so well for him so he figures giving an opposite approach to his life might be just what he needs.

So moving in with Jensen for a few weeks becomes less scary. His guts not clued into that fact. It’s been in knots since he’s been discharged. He knows it’s hospital regulations and everything but he wishes the hospital staff didn’t have to escort him to Jensen’s car in a wheelchair. Jensen’s been pretty good at keeping Jared safe; he’s sure the man could have managed getting Jared into the car in one piece.

Plopping down in Jensen’s car, he goes with the program. He knows this is the best choice he can make for his and his daughter’s safety and he feels blessed that he has the opportunity to make it.

They swing by Jared’s apartment first because he needs clothing. The awkward part is that Jensen’s forbidding him from climbing the steps to the apartment. It makes sense but Jared feels completely helpless and guilty when he hands his front door key to Jensen and tells him to pack everything in his tiny dresser. He asks for most of his stuff in the medicine cabinet as well.

Stupidly, he worries about the state of his apartment. He thinks he tidied up before his hospital stay but he can’t remember because last week feels worlds away. He knows there is a bunch of cardboard lying around that needs to be thrown out from when he put his daughter’s crib together the previous week. Other than that, he thinks Jensen shouldn’t have too much of a problem packing for him.

Two travel suitcases and a fifteen-minute drive later, they are pulling up to a house in a quiet neighborhood. The first thing that comes to mind is that it’s cute. It’s more than Jared could ever hope for but he’s always gotten stuck on wanting something with a yard and more personality than a generic apartment.

“This is me,” Jensen says as they pull into a driveway.

The house is neat, kind of streamlined like Jensen’s work ethic. There is nothing remarkable about it but Jared’s heart skips a beat nonetheless. He’s never actually been to Jensen’s house. That’s mostly his fault. Jensen had invited him but Jared didn’t know what crazy things the prospect of privacy and closed doors could tempt him with.

“It’s nice,” Jared says as he steps out of the car, eyes scanning the property.

Jensen smiles at that as he pulls the suitcases from the car. “Come on in, I’ll give you the tour. There isn’t much to it right now, considering I’ve only owned it a little under seven months. But…it’s where I lay my head.”

The tour is a quick one and Jared can tell by the way Jensen rushes through it that he’s nervous. Almost like he’s anxious to hear Jared’s approval.

The kitchen is neat and clean, if a bit sparse in the appliance category. The main hub of the house is comfortable, with a big plush couch and two arm chairs that Jared wants to sink into and become one with the furniture. Everything is pretty navigateable even if he didn’t get the tour. He gets it. Room with the toilet is the bathroom. Room with the television is the den. What he doesn’t expect is when Jensen shows him to a room and declares it as _Jared’s_.

The room is twice as big as his apartment’s bedroom. It’s next door to the room Jensen pointed out as his own. It has a Queen sized bed and fluffy pillows that beat out the armchair for first place in things Jared wants to become one with. The thought makes him blush because it’s ridiculous to feel excitement over comfortable things but he’s exhausted. He blushes harder when he catches Jensen’s gaze and realize that he was wrong. Jensen’s actually beating out _everything_ for first place of things he wants to become one with.

“You sure I’m not going to throw a wrench into your life?” Jared asks as he walks around the bedroom, trailing his hands over the flat surface of the dresser.

“Positive. Besides, it is just me here. Gets a little lonely, you know? I figure it will be nice to have some company. And, hey, it makes it easier for us to get to know each other some more.” He laughs and scratches at the back of his neck. “I hope everything is okay…”

“Yeah. It’s great.” Jared smiles and investigates further, pulling the drawers open and moving on so he can run his thumb down the blinds and hear them brush together. Everything is new, he can tell that right away. He supposes that makes sense, considering Jensen’s new too. “It’s really nice. More than I need. You could shove me in the corner with the bed and I would be happy.” Laughing, Jared tests out the bed by sitting on it.

“Well, then I guess I could have saved myself a lot of money – ” Jensen takes in a surprised breath and tries to swallow down his words but they’re already out there.

Jared’s jaw drops. Jensen’s anxiousness before makes sense now because Jensen _is_ waiting for Jared’s approval but for more of a reason than wanting Jared to like his house. Jensen bought all of this for Jared. “You…you actually bought this for _me_?”

Jensen blushes and smiles hesitantly, shifting his weight from right to left. “I…well….the house was empty anyway. Needed furniture and all.”

Jared smiles in disbelief. It’s another thing to add to the list of the nicest things anyone has ever done for him. Currently, that list is dominated by all things Jensen. “But…you bought them for _me?_ ”

“Yeah. I did…I hope they’re okay. And…I hope you will be comfortable here. I want you to get some rest, okay? It’s your home too for as long as you need to stay so I want you to enjoy it. And,” he bites his lip shyly while pointing towards the head of the bed where the body pillow is propped up, “I bought you that too. I…I heard they are comfortable. So…”

Jared’s heart just keeps getting more and more wrapped up in Jensen. He’s been falling hard for the man and Jensen’s making it easier and easier to push away the fears that he’s getting too deep too quickly.

Jensen’s actions, in not only inviting him to stay with him but buying a whole bedroom set, warm Jared to the core. It makes him realize how much he wants all of _this_. He’s so happy he could cry. In fact, he probably will but he doesn’t want to be _that_ pregnant person again so he forces it down for the time being. “It’s…prefect. Really. Thank you so much. I know you’ll just argue with me if I protest and say it’s so much so I’ll just say thank you. We’re so thankful. There aren’t words.”

The nervous energy fades from Jensen like Jared’s words were the one’s he’s been waiting for. “You’re welcome, both of you.” Clearing his throat, he puts the suitcases he’s brought into the room against the wall. “How about I let you get settled a bit? You can call me if you need anything. I’ll be just downstairs.”

“Sounds good.” Jared nods, pressing his lips together because he has about five second before he’s overwhelmed by it all.

Thankfully, Jensen’s out the door before the waterworks start.

“Hey, peanut?” Jared says to his belly. “We’re gonna be okay here. Jensen’s gonna help make sure you get some more time to cook. But…can you help me out here? Don’t make me too much of a mess. Okay? We gotta work together.”

The baby kicks soft enough to let Jared know, that for now, she’s on board with it. The small kick serves as proof that his daughter is okay and just as happy as he is right now.

***

Sleeping at Jensen’s house is difficult for Jared. Sure he’s pregnant and can’t figure out how to lay so that he’s not squishing _something_. He’s about as comfortable as he can be, all things considering. He’s quite happy in his temporary bedroom. What’s really keeping him up at night is the unfamiliarity of the situation. Powerful thoughts cause energy to buzz through his brain; they’re much too distracting bed mates to allow Jared to drift off into sleep. So far, the two days spent at Jensen’s haven’t been uncomfortable in any way. They are kind of easy and it’s hard to fight the strong sense of calm and happiness that settles in Jared.

The last few months have resulted in Jared doing too much, pushing himself so hard to be _everything_ his daughter needs. The feeling of safety that comes with Jensen’s place sneaks up on him and calms him. It shoves an emotional burden from his shoulders and he can breathe deeply again.

For the past two days, Jensen’s been working. It figures, considering he was off – or had taken off, Jared hasn’t figured that out yet – while taking care of Jared at the hospital, setting up the house, and moving Jared in. They haven’t seen much of one another but it’s not because of avoidance. Jared lights up when Jensen comes home, gets even happier when the man arrives with a pizza and actually has hot sauce in his refrigerator to top it with.

They’re still dating, they just happen to be bedroom neighbors also. It’s unconventional at best and he assumes people at work are scratching their heads about it but he has very little time to worry about what they think. He’s grown a thick skin, making him immune to the opinions other than the ones from the people he cares about most.

Folding his hands over his belly, he’s glad that at least his daughter is getting some sleep. He thinks maybe he’ll be able to follow her if he can turn his brain off for a few hours.

His ears perk up at a sudden noise. It startles him so much that his heart skips a beat and he struggles into a sitting position. His eyes go wide in the darkness as he waits to see if it happens again. When it does, Jared’s realizes it’s Jensen, the shout muffled by the wall separating their rooms.

Jensen sounds distressed, not like he’s coming to physical harm but it still leaves Jared feeling uneasy. He’s not sure the proper protocol for house guests when it comes to odd sounds from the next bedroom over. When Jensen shouts again, Jared realizes he doesn’t care.

He flicks on the bedside lamp and swings his legs around so he can slide out of bed. He doesn’t run, because Jensen wouldn’t be too happy about that, but makes his way as quickly as he can towards Jensen’s closed bedroom door. Pressing his ear against it, he listens for another sound of distress before knocking loudly. “Jensen?”

There’s no intelligible answer from the other side. After hesitating another moment, he turns the knob and steps inside. The moonlight streaming through the open window is enough to illuminate the bed and the man tossing and turning at the center of it. Getting closer, Jared can see that there is a film of sweat on Jensen’s face and his features are twisted in emotional pain. He roils like he’s trying to escape something then twists in the opposite direction and repeats the process.

“Jensen?” Jared asks, louder this time in hopes that the man hears. “Jensen!” He reaches over the bed, touching Jensen’s shoulder and shaking it briskly. “Jensen, wake up! You’re having a nightmare.” He shakes again and that does the trick. Jensen startles out of the firm grip his nightmare had on him, physically bolting into consciousness and swatting at Jared. His eyes look feral and he’s choking on air, gasping and trying to gulp it down. Jared can see the way his chest is moving, guessing that he’s on the edge of hyperventilating.

“Hey, Jensen! Hey!” Jared moves so that he’s out of Jensen’s swatting range but tries to get the man to focus on him. “It’s Jared. It’s just me. You’re in your room. It…it was only a nightmare.”

“No…it’s…” Jensen can’t get more out than those strangled words. His eyes are darting around and he stares at his hands, flipping them palm up in observation before inspecting the knuckles.

It’s obvious Jensen’s in a dark place and he can’t shake it. Jared wonders what could have been so bad that someone who always seems like he’s got it all together can’t even breathe. “Let me get you a glass of water, okay? I’m not going anywhere. Just…you need to try and calm down.” He flicks the bedside lamp on to the lowest setting, hoping the light will cast whatever monsters still have Jensen in their hold.

“No…I…I can get…” Jensen makes a weird sound in the back of his throat as he tries to steady himself enough to actually speak. “Don’t walk downstairs. I can get water.”

Jared’s touched that even when he’s falling apart, Jensen’s still concerned enough about Jared. It reassures Jared that Jensen’s coming back down from the situation and he lays a hand on the man’s shoulder. “It’s just water. I _can_ get water.” He smiles softly and nods towards the door. “I’ll be right back.”

***

Jensen stares at Jared to make sure he’s real, that he’s actually awake.

A cold sweat drips down the center of his spine and leaves him shaking. It’s been a while since he’s been gripped by a nightmare so vivid. He’d hoped that Jared wouldn’t have to deal with Jensen’s occasional sleepless nights and that the lurid things in his sleep would be contained by the privacy of his room.

He’s just been proven wrong about that.

He’s too shaken to be embarrassed and tries to figure out how to drown out the fear tingling in his nerves and shooting him full of adrenaline.

“Here,” Jared says as he holds a glass of water towards Jensen and Jensen bolts upright, surprised that he hadn’t noticed Jared’s return.

“Thanks.” Taking the glass, Jensen holds it with both hands and drinks half of it. It succeeds in helping him get all the parts needed for breathing and speech in unison and calm enough to function. “I’m sorry about that.” His hand shakes as he places the glass on the nightstand. “I...I get these nightmares sometimes…I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn’t wake me. I couldn’t sleep anyway.” Licking his lips, Jared gives Jensen a sympathetic look. “It must have been a bad one.”

“You have no idea.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

Jensen’s been asked that question countless times but this is the first time he wants to say “yes”. He’s still dwelling in the shore of his nightmare and it leaves him vulnerable enough to sit defenseless in the middle of the room. There’s nothing surrounding Jensen but hurt and Jared really does deserve an explanation for why Jensen was crying out in his sleep. “It’s a long story.”

“I’ve got nowhere to be. I’m on bed rest, as per _your_ prescription.” Jared smiles and hesitates in sitting on the edge of Jensen’s bed.

Jensen shifts towards the left side of the bed so that Jared has room to join him. He’s wound tight from the nightmare but now his stomach is twisted up with nerves and the idea of spilling his heartache to Jared. He’s going to rip open wounds that never healed right to begin with and it’s enough baggage for a new relationship to buckle under. “It’s…not pretty.”

“I’m full of ‘not pretty’ stories.” It takes a moment for Jared to hoist his pregnant self onto the bed. He fumbles over simply leaning on the edge of the mattress and sitting firmly beside Jensen. He ends beside Jensen, legs kicked up and resting against the headboard. “And as much as I talk, I’m a good listener. I’ve gotta be. You know how much talking nurses have to filter through. You can talk about it…if you want to. No pressure.”

“My husband died.” Jensen says without any pretense. “I know you know that…but…he died and I couldn’t prevent it.” He looks at Jared and sees the man waiting patiently for Jensen to find the strength to continue. “I was married…for 2 years, but knew him for 5. His name was – _is_ – Kenneth.” Jensen is never good at thinking of Kenneth as a ‘is’ or a ‘was’. He’s dead but he’s still Kenneth. It chokes him up that he’s tripping over that fact now. “He…was like me. You’d like him. People did. We were one in the same, so if you like me, you’d have liked him. He was a good man, worked as an IT project manager for General Motors. He was organized to the T and more scheduled than anyone I ever knew. And four years ago he died.” Jensen stops to squeeze his eyes closed. He hasn’t told the story in a long time and knows that it’s jumbled up. He’s repeating himself. It’s probably hard to follow but Jared puts a hand on his knee and squeezes like he understands.

“I’m sorry,” leaves Jared’s voice in a whisper.

Jensen knows there isn’t much Jared can say. What can someone say to make the pain of loss go away? There’s nothing. The edges of the scars Jensen stitched up when he moved to Maine start curling back, opening a rawness that he’s sure will destroy the fragile hope of a future he’s been revolving around Jared. He’s pretty sure waxing poetic about one’s dead husband is a sure fire way to repel any prospective romances but he’s started now and his emotions have taken control of his tongue. “I loved him. I did. It makes it worse because even though we fought, and it took years to find our way into a relationship where the love was strong and genuine, it was there. Four months before he died…we…” Jensen chokes on a sob. The pains hitting him, flashing memories of each moment into his brain and they’re just as vivid as the nightmare. “We found out he was pregnant…that we were going to have a baby. We and everyone else in our world were ecstatic. He was a great pregnant person. He did everything right and made sure he did his best to ensure a healthy baby. He even had a little swell…almost the size of yours when we first met. But…we never got to find out the sex of our child. There was a fire in the building where he worked. It broke out suddenly and spread fast. Ken couldn’t get out in time. He…” Jensen covers his face and shakes his head. The images are bloodier now and he can’t run from them, they’re brought back to life with each word he speaks. Changing course, he skips to the part he can’t come to terms with. “The burn victims, both alive and dead, were brought to the hospital where I worked. I was on call and while I had been alerted that there had been a massive fire in town, we didn’t know the source. We’d only been told to expect casualties and massive trauma. I didn’t know it was Ken’s company. I was working on a woman with third degree burns when a nurse grabbed me by the arm and shoved me towards another gurney. It was Kenneth. He was barely alive when they brought him in. They told me he had been found protecting a little boy who had been part of the school field trip. The boy lived. Ken didn’t. I couldn’t save him…them…I…” Jensen’s throat closes up as the memory takes hold. It’s what the nightmare was about, what they are always about. He’s stuck reliving the last moments of his dead husband’s life. His hands are covered in Kenneth’s blood and Jensen doesn’t know what to do. He can’t put pieces of his husband back together and he’s frantic for some miracle. He keeps searching Kenneth’s body over, like he can find a reset button and make it all better. His vitals are fading fast and nothing could be done. Nothing. The baby was too young to survive outside of the womb if it wasn’t dead already and a monitor is blaring that Kenneth flatlined. In one moment he lost his husband and his child. “I couldn’t save them!” Jensen yells, aware that he sounds as shattered as he feels.

“Oh, Jensen…” Jared covers his mouth with one hand, his eyes wide and shimmering with the beginning of his own tears.

Something slips in Jensen’s mind and all of his control vanishes. He becomes a crying mess all over again, fat tears rolling down his cheeks to join the river he’s already cried. Tears can’t bring back the dead and neither can Jensen. “I’m a doctor! I’m supposed to save people!” He’s aware of Jared trying to hold him steady and shakes out of it. “I couldn’t save them! What good am I? What’s the point?” His yelling is made difficult to understand by his crying. He feels Jared pull him in against his chest and collapses there, too emotionally drained to be upright anymore.

“Shh” Jared whispers. “ _That_ wasn’t your fault. There wasn’t anything you could do. If there was, you would have done it. I know you would have. But…Jensen…I’m so sorry.” He curls a hand around Jensen’s back, holding them together tightly.

“You don’t know – ”

“I do! I do know. I’ve seen you work. _I know_! You would have done something if you could. You…you would have given yourself up if it would have helped.” Jared pulls Jensen away enough to cup his face. “I may not know everything about you, Jensen, but I do know you are the epitome of the reason people become doctors. You want to save people. That’s how I know it wasn’t your fault. Their death _isn’t_ your fault.”

Jensen closes his eyes against the pain but he sees blood on his hands, making him force them open so he can focus on Jared and the man’s words. Jared is making sense. He _knows_ he couldn’t have done anything but he still feels guilty. He was the last one to see Kenneth alive and it’s a heavy burden to carry. In the back of his head, he hopes it’s not too much for Jared to digest. “I’m sorry…Jared…I…”

“Don’t you dare apologize. You…you get it all out.” Jared wipes away tears. “You talk as much as you want. Even after four years, I can’t imagine your pain. He…if you loved him, he must have been a great man. You were lucky to have each other. But it’s not your fault they died. And if Kenneth loved you, you have to know that he wouldn’t want you to live with that false blame.”

Jensen nods. Jared’s got a point. It’s one Jensen tries to hold onto, even when he’s lost his way and doesn’t know what to believe. “It’s one thing to know that and another to believe it.”

“I know.”

“It was four years ago and I still can’t figure things out. He’s the reason I ran away from Dallas and everything it is. That town was deadened to me after the loss of my husband and unborn child. Everything was painted with a memory of them and how they made up my world and everything in it. I had to get away. I tried to overcome it but I felt like I was drowning. I was asphyxiating because of the way their memories clogged up my airways and made everything more difficult. I needed a fresh start in a new town where people didn’t look at me and _know_ I couldn’t save them.” Jensen rubs at his eyes and shakes his head. “I’m sorry for telling you all of this…it’s just bottled up inside of me, feeling so pressurized that I think it’s going to explode and destroy me all over again.”

“Jensen…”

Jensen cuts Jared off. “But then you…you show up. And…the pain and heartache is still a part of me…but…you saved me from becoming a shell. You might not know it, but from the moment I met you, you reminded me that I can feel things other than anguish. You…with your whirlwind of activity and your way of getting wrapped up in the unpredictable. From the minute you crashed into me with fennel tea, you’ve been a flurry of activity. You’re…you’re everything Kenneth wasn’t. You’re…chaos.”

Jared pulls back in offence.

“No, no, no! It’s good. Trust me. You…you make me feel again. You’re right, Kenneth wouldn’t want me to whittle my days away blaming myself. He would want me to live my life. And I’m trying to do that. But you deserve to know that the pain is still there. It’s a part of who I am. I’m learning to deal with it but I’m not going to be ashamed of it. Because it’s my past and I’m not ashamed of him.” Jensen sits upright and squeezes Jared’s hand. “You’re the chaos I needed to make me realize how much I’ve been running away rather than figuring out a way to heal my own heart.”

“I’m a train wreck,” Jared says with a sad snort.

“I am too.” Jensen licks his lips. “And the nightmares destroy me. But...I like you Jared. A lot. I’m sorry if I just shot to hell any chance of whatever is going on between us working. I…” Jensen is cut off with a soft kiss from Jared.

“You’ve got open wounds. I do too. I’d be a hypocrite to back out of something because of that.”

The fear in Jensen’s heart thins. He laughs softly, surprising himself by the sound. “We’re quite a pair.”

“God help us,” Jared laughs in response.

They hold each other, Jensen careful of Jared’s belly. The words that transpired between them were draining enough and Jensen’s not sure how much he has left in him.

After a while of silence, Jared shifts. “Should I…I should go. You know, if you want?”

Shaking his head, Jensen grabs Jared’s arm. “Stay?” It’s a selfish request, but having Jared near him is keeping the ghosts away. Jared’s full of life. He helped Jared and the man’s alive and well.

Nodding, Jared says no more. He switches off the light and shimmies into a reclining position. It takes several tries but they figure out the most comfortable way of sharing the bed. It leaves Jared curled on his right side with Jensen spooning up behind him. For Jensen, the gesture is all about the comforting nature that comes from sharing air with another person who has walked in his shoes.

Jensen’s tentative about where to put his hands. Jared solves that problem for him when he reaches back and grabs Jensen’s arm, hooking it around his swollen middle until the palm lays flat over the area above Jared’s belly button.

“Thank You,” Jared whispers into the dark. Jensen’s unsure of the reason for this gesture. Maybe it’s because Jensen finally found a way out of his darkness and opened up to Jared. But when Jared presses his own hand slightly against Jensen’s, moving their hands slowly over the baby girl inside, he receives his answer: it’s a thank you for saving _them_.

They are warm, comfortable and exhausted. Jensen feels flutters under his palm, proof that the act of life has been going on around Jensen all along, he’s been the one too lost to realize it. There are no sounds from either of them, only breathing that’s falling into sync.

When sleep comes, it’s absent of nightmares.

***

Jensen wakes up before his alarm clock. It takes him a moment to remember that the warmth he’s still curled around is Jared. Where his heart ached the previous night, the balm of Jared’s presence has morphed it into only being able to feel adoration.

He has things to do, steps to take in needing to get ready for his morning shift but all of those can wait. Instead, he props up on one elbow to admire the way Jared’s hair fans out over the pillow and his lips are parted in sleep. Their hands are still laced over the swell of his middle, making Jensen’s heart warm all over again. He never had a chance to feel his child but he imagines it would be like this. Exactly like this. He feels the same awe for Jared’s daughter as he would his own biological child; that he’s sure of.

Nuzzling closer, Jensen inhales Jared and kisses the area of his jaw directly below his ear. “Thank you,” he whispers before regretfully slipping away with the thought that Jared looks good in his bed.

And today, in the bright light of a fresh morning, he knows Kenneth will not hold that thought against him.


	6. Chapter 6

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/14188744349/)

Jared’s stuck in a loop of bad television. He’s succumbing to the black hole that is trashy reality programming and can’t seem to get out of it.

It’s better than watching Food Network. That only makes his stomach grumble as he shoots off really ridiculous texts to Jensen requesting pineapple, rhubarb and habaneros. That makes little sense as a trio but it seems to click in Jared’s head.

He stops watching Food Network shows when he realizes he can’t spend hours on his feet trying to make some of the dishes the chefs and hopeful chefs are preparing, never mind the fact that he’s not the best cook to begin with.

He’s looking forward to the rest of the day and the one to come because Jensen’s finally off. He’s found himself padding into Jensen’s room the last three nights and slipping underneath the sheets. They do nothing more than try to find sleep together but it seems to ground both of them. No more nightmares. No more anxiety producing brain wave activity.

His fondness for the man has been growing exponentially since their late night revelation because Jensen’s pain, while heartbreaking, helps Jared realize that they’ve both got dark spots to their world.

Weeks ago he questioned why someone like Jensen would look twice at a single pregnant man with absolutely no judgment. Now he gets it. They’ve both come back from something that threw them off their axis.

He feels a lot of things for Jensen right now but on the top of the list is admiration for how brave he’s being in opening up to Jared and letting Jared in on his most personal, private thoughts.

Jared’s flattered.

He’s not as scared of being burned again because Jensen seems to know not to play with fire.

As soon as the analogy enters Jared’s head, he shivers at his choice of words and decides he’s going to keep him, his daughter, and Jensen away from anything fire related, fictional or otherwise.

Stretching his hands over his head, he groans. He’s been achy all day but at least this time he knows it’s not from labor pains. He’s achy because he’s pregnant and forced to sit in one spot for a majority of the day. Today’s spot is the couch in front of the television, where he’s taken over the area with a list of things spread out all within arm’s reach.

He’s popping ginger candies like crazy because the achiness is making him nauseous and he’s getting really tired of this song and dance. Part of him wonders if anyone else had so many things on their list of ailment but he feels guilty complaining. He’d suffer through more if the result is a healthy baby girl. However, the pain in his back is really starting to test his ability to not cover his head with a pillow and groan in discomfort.

Getting up, he sets a kettle on the stove while he uses the bathroom. By the time he’s done and has a brief battle with himself over the fact that he shouldn’t be freaking out over how easy he and Jensen have adapted to sharing the same space, the water is boiling.

With a fresh cup of fennel tea, he returns to his spot on the couch and flips the channels, a look of complete boredom on his face. He wonders what Jensen is doing right now. Hell, he wonders what Connie, Gary, and Molly are doing. He’s sure their days have been more interesting than the ones he’s spent watching contestant’s make fools out of themselves on the Tru network.

Jensen saves him from certain doom, also known as another episode of World’s Dumbest, when he arrives bearing a late lunch.

Jensen looks surprised to see Jared sprawled out in the entertainment room. “Oh, hey!” He smiles wide and holds up a take-out bag. “I got lobster rolls. You hungry?”

“Stupid question.” He puts the tea down and makes grabby hands towards Jensen.

Jensen hands over the food with a snicker, plopping himself in the recliner nearest to Jared.

Jared’s got a mouthful of food before he comes up for air and realizes his manners. “Thanks,” he mumbles through chewing. He has the decency to swallow before asking, “how was your day?”

“Good. Slow. I had clinic duty, so it wasn’t hectic in the least. Calm, scheduled, predictable. A nice change of pace.” Jensen takes a bite of his own roll. “Molly says hi. She told me to tell you that she misses you and hates you for making scheduling so difficult for her. I’m pretty sure she was serious about the first part and kidding about the second.”

“She being bitchy?” Jared curls his lip. He’s aware of the bite in his tone and shakes his head. “Sorry…I didn’t mean for it to come out that way. Just…I guess I am getting stir-crazy and restless and I _can’t do anything_.”

“You can grow a baby. That’s more than I can do.” Jensen is treading lightly, wary of the grumpy version of Jared he’s just run into.

“I guess there is _that_.” Jared laughs.

“Hey, it’s no small feat.”

Jared laughs louder. “You really do think what I’m doing is _that_ impressive, don’t you?”

Tone full of absolute certainty, Jensen shrugs. “Of course I do! ‘Cause it is!”

“Okay, we’ll go with that then.” Jared wipes his mouth with the back of his hand before taking another bite. They fall into casual conversation as they eat. Jared’s not sure where Jensen usually eats his meals but since Jared moved in, Jensen seems to eat wherever Jared is resting. It’s reassuring that he’s not freaking out about getting crumbs or stains on _anything_ , although, there are times Jared can see a hint of that worry hiding somewhere behind Jensen’s eyes like a nervous twitch. It’s adorable.

Three quarters through his roll, Jared returns the food to its wrapping and sighs, arching his back and accentuating the curve of his stomach.

“You okay?” Jensen asks through a mouthful of his own meal. Through the food, Jared’s still able to detect the concern.

“Yeah. Fine…just…running out of room. My stomach is squishing her a bit and she’s pushing right back.” On cue, the baby shifts and lands an uncomfortable kick. “Ouch!” Before Jensen can ask, Jared holds up a palm towards him to stifle his worry. “I’m fine. She’s just kicking.” He looks down at his meal with a frown. “I’m hungry.”

Jensen laughs before pouting understandingly. “Aww, you poor thing.”

“She feels heavy, you know? Like she’s just _there_.” Jared feels stupid at his choice of wording but he doesn’t know how else to describe it. Stretching, Jared’s not aware of the way he groans and winces but Jensen sure is. The man is on his feet, cocking his head at Jared in that “doctors know best” way. “Don’t look at me like that. I really am fine. I’m just sore. My _everything_ hurts but nothing more than the strain on my back right now. It’ll go away and if it doesn’t then hopefully I’ll pass out and be able to ignore it. I’m _not_ in labor.”

Considering Jared’s words, Jensen puts a hand on his hips. “Scoot forward.”

“What?”

“Scoot forward. I’m not a professional or anything but I can rub your back. Maybe get some kinks out.”

Jared blinks up at the man. He’s in too much pain to pass up on the fact that Jensen offers him a massage. It’s an attractive offer for a lot of reasons. It will give him some relief but it’s also a chance for him to get Jensen’s hands on his body. He’s a hot-blooded man and though he’s not going to act on it, craving some physical attention. And he needs something he can daydream about.

Without protest, he does as Jensen asks so that the man can settle on the couch behind him. The minute Jensen’s hands knead at his shoulders, he sighs. “Oh my god, that’s _awesome_.” His eyes flutter close and he lets his head hang forward between his shoulders. Jensen hits a tense spot and his thumb digs into it, coaxing the muscle to relax. “Oh my god.”

“Good?” The question comes with another round of spot-on pressure from Jensen’s fingers.

Jared lets out a deep moan of pleasure. “Right now? This is better than sex.” Jared flushes red the moment the phrase leaves his lips.

An amused smirk spreads over Jensen’s face. “Is it now?”

“Well, maybe not _better_ than, but definitely as good as.”

The massage continues and Jared doesn’t care how loud he’s being. It feels damn good and he can’t stop himself from breathing out sighs of happiness.

“Hey, Jared?”

“Hmm?”

“I have massage oil in the bathroom. I can use that. If you’d like, I can get the lower portion of your back. You’d have to take your shirt off. But…it’s just a suggestion. I don’t want to impose.”

“What kind of idiot would I be to turn down a longer massage? Besides, you’ve seen me inside and out before.” He tries to sound confident but Jared knows this is different. This isn’t nudity in the name of medical necessity. He’s not ashamed of his daughter or of being pregnant, but he’s got desirous feelings towards Jensen and he would want to crawl into a hole if seeing Jared’s belly mucks that up for Jensen. “Go get the oil.”

As Jensen goes off to do so, Jared pulls his shirt over his head. His skin is still smooth, thankfully, and he’s used enough lotion to try and aid his belly in stretching as comfortably as it can. His belly sits round in his lap, looking about as heavy as Jared stated before.

He catches the way Jensen looks at him when he returns. Jensen’s hands are fumbling with the bottle of lotion so much that he nearly drops it and Jared figures the belly thing isn’t scaring Jensen away in the slightest. Chewing on his lip, Jensen returns to his place behind Jared.

The slippery oil is applied to Jensen’s hands and they start making magic happen along the tension and soreness in Jared’s back. Jared falls into moaning happily again, uttering, “oh my god” every few minutes.

“You’re amazing,” Jared breathes out.

“You’re saying that because you don’t want me to stop,” Jensen quips.

“No. I’m not. Seriously. You’re _amazing_. Ricky would never rub my back. Even if I begged. And here you are coming up with the idea and volunteering.” Jared means every world. He’s not comparing Jensen to Ricky but sometimes the way Jensen treats him remind Jared that he’s been treated poorly by Ricky. It makes him angry sometimes, hurts him a lot of the time, and he feels like an idiot the rest of the time. “He…I told you what he did.”

“Yeah, and he’s an asshole. I hope you don’t mind when I say he’s a complete moron.” Jensen’s hands slip down to the small of Jared’s back and he leans into Jared to get more pressure.

“I agree whole heartedly. What you don’t know, is that he’s a coward too. He broke up with me by emptying the apartment and leaving a post-it note on the door saying he couldn’t handle things. A post-it note!”

“That doesn’t really happen in real life, does it?” Jensen’s hands trail up, kneading each muscle with circular movements. “Isn’t that something in bad romance novels and television shows?”

“Well it happened to me.” Jared snorts and blows hair out of his face. “He’s a dick. But I’m better off without him and so is my daughter.” Jared doesn’t expect it but he shivers, a wounded quality to the sound of his voice. “He…” Jared has come to terms with a lot of things, but there is one thing Ricky did that Jared can’t ever forgive or understand. It makes him sick, like he’s starting to feel right now.

“What?” Jensen pauses his actions in wait.

“He left me with nothing. No furniture. No money. Nothing but a baby he didn’t want. It was a low blow and it hit hard. I was reeling for some time, completely lost in my own pity and I couldn’t see a way out. Then, just when I was getting on my feet again, a certified letter came in the mail. It was a notice saying Ricky signed away his parental rights. He didn’t want one thing to do with the baby and he was so certain that he made it legal. Back then, I thought my world was crumbling beneath me. I didn’t know I was strong enough to do things on my own. How can a parent do that? I know it happens but my mind still can’t wrap itself around it.” Jared wipes away a tear and cups his mouth with both hands to stop himself from crying.

“Your daughter,” Jensen starts with steady reassurance, “is going to have a better life without him.”

“I know that now. But then? Then it hurt like hell. It ripped me open. Not only did I feel like the garbage no one wanted, but it killed me to think my baby was garbage too.” Shivering, Jared presses himself back so that his spine is pressed against Jensen’s chest. He picks up on the anger vibrating through Jensen and feels validated in that. He’s not looking to be the victim but he is looking for Ricky to be the scum who shattered him.

Jensen holds Jared against him, his hands sliding comfortingly up and down his arms. “You’re not garbage. You’re incredible. Remember? You’re like a thunderstorm. You’re powerful and alive and you show people you mean business. He’s the asshole. You’re better off without him, you know that, right?”

“I do,” Jared answers honestly. He practically purrs when Jensen sooths away the emotional pain by stroking his hands over Jared’s belly. He cups it and holds the weight protectively. Every movement is gentle in a way that lets Jared know how much Jensen values him.

Jensen keeps doing it and just as soon as Jared is able to stop his tears from thinking about Ricky’s actions, they start all over again. Everything about the moment is sensual and intense, the feelings far too strong for Jared to keep himself from getting tripped up in them.

“Jared?” Jensen asks in confusion.

“It’s…it’s you…you’re so sweet to us. No one has ever touched my belly like that except for me. I…didn’t think it mattered but…it’s like I’m starving for it. She likes it too and it makes me feel all messed up because…because I’m achy and hormonal and you’re…you’re amazing.” He babbles as he starts crying.

***

Jensen freezes at the sound of Jared’s sobs. It takes him a moment to decipher Jared’s rambling and decide that Jared’s switched over from crying about a negative thing to crying over something good. “Shh,” he hushes and realizes they’ve spent a lot time comforting each other during their relationship. The reassuring part is that it always seems to work. He hopes this will be no exception.

“You really do care about her, don’t you?” Jared asks.

“I care about both of you.” Jensen lies back against the couch’s armrest and pulls Jared with him. His hands are still slippery from the oil and he keeps up the loving caresses. Jared’s belly is beautiful and it’s the first time he’s gotten free reign of the spans for purely emotional reasons. He explores it, all along making sure Jared knows how much he cares. He feels the baby moving but he also feels Jared’s vivacity. It’s what he’s been dying to touch and his heart explodes as he soaks it all in. “I care about _both_ of you,” he repeats with more emphasis.

“Why?” Jared squeaks out.

Jensen leans up and kisses his way towards Jared’s ear so he can whisper to him. “Because you deserve it. Because I want to.” His heart speeds up and he’s hit with the fact that he never wants to let Jared go. It’s more sudden and hits him faster than any emotion towards Kenneth did. He and Kenneth were similar, which made their match intense but strained at times. Jared is completely new and he sets Jensen’s world ablaze with light, energy, and excitement. These realizations crash into him, they rise him up so that he feels like he’s floating and he _knows_ what this is. And what it is leaves Jensen’s mouth before he knows it’s happening. “I love you.”

Jared sucks in a breath.

“I do.” Jensen insists. He’s already let the cat out of the bag, why not own up to it? “I love you. It’s insane. It’s crazy. But it’s real. I’ve been falling in love with you and your daughter before I knew I was ready to. But…I am. I’m ready and you can have my heart. It belonged to you before I knew I was strong enough to give it to you.”

Jared’s crying again but Jensen can’t tell if it is for the reasons he’s hoping for.

With a twist of his body, Jared is able to face him. His eyes are wet and he’s shaking his head like he can’t believe what’s happening. “This is crazy.”

“I know.”

Licking his lips, Jared locks eyes with Jensen. The air between them vibrates with the thundering of their hearts and the fluttering of their anxious breaths. He reaches up and cups Jensen’s face in his own. “You’re insane.”

“Not really. Never felt so sane in my life, actually. It…it just feels right for me. If it’s too much for you…if you can’t love me…it’s okay. It’s enough for me that you know.”

Forging ahead, Jared shakes his head. “ _I’m_ insane.”

“You’re insane?” Jensen questions with a raised eyebrow.

Nodding, Jared gets several false starts before he manages to let out, with completely sincerity, “we love you too.”

The words and their particular meaning hits Jensen in the heart and make him lightheaded. “We?”

“Yeah. We. She’s got a little crush on you. Considering you’re her guardian angel and everything. Mine too.” Jared smiles shyly.

“Jared…that’s…” Jensen cups Jared’s belly and melts. “I love her. You know that, right?” The words are scary because Jensen let himself love a baby once before and that connection was ripped away from him. Jared can make the same things happen again with one simple action. He could cut Jensen out of her life because Jensen has no legal say in it despite what his heart says. It’s almost more terrifying than losing Jared himself because at least Jared will always know Jensen loves him. His daughter isn’t cognitive enough to understand the depths of the dedication Jensen’s offering her.

“I know. I didn’t at first, but…when you came to my apartment for the first time, I saw it in your eyes. She hooked you good and proper.” Jared licks his lips, covering the hands Jensen has on his belly with his own. “Can…Can I kiss you now before my heart explodes?” Jared’s practically shaking when he lets out a little laugh.

Jensen’s answer is swooping in and cupping the back of Jared’s neck so he can seal their lips together in a kiss.

It’s their best so far; Jensen suspects that’s because of the emotional revelation that just went down. There are a plethora of wounds between the two of them but kissing Jared soothes them. Everything makes sense. He has to believe that everything he’s gone through is what gave him the ability to fill this roll in Jared’s life.

Jared opens for him, reacting to Jensen in perfect unison. He blooms from someone scared of being hurt into someone who knows where the cards lay between the two of them.

They kiss until Jensen’s going to pass out from lack of air and the rapid beating his heart can’t seem to come down from.

“Come to bed with me? Just to be near each other. Just so I can kiss you till we pass out.” Jensen’s mumbling each word against Jared’s lips, hands unable to stop roaming over his body.

Jared’s nod is enough to help him to his feet. It’s early but Jensen’s happy to spend the rest of his wakeful hours getting lost in Jared, figuring out how to work the parts of him he’s not familiar with.

It lands them in bed, still clothed and wearing huge smiles on their faces.

Jared lets out happy sighs, better than the ones during Jensen’s massage. Their hands are gentle when they coast over each other’s bodies but both of their fingers twitch enough to let them know they don’t want to let go. Intense feelings swirl around them and while enough of Jensen’s blood rushes south to make Jensen’s want known, it’s not about that. There are more serious, permanent thoughts at play and right now is about holding onto each other and kissing away tears.

They don’t sleep, not for a long while. They talk and smile and laugh.

It’s surreal.

It’s pretty much as perfect as two people whose lives have been beat up, used and abused, can end up.

It’s just the three of them in the safety of Jensen’s bedroom. Nothing can hurt them there. Not Ricky. Not the past. Not the mountain of things they still need to figure out.

***

Jensen wakes up to the feeling of something that can only be fingertips tracing the curves and contours of his face. It’s a slow, lazy journey into consciousness and he wakes with the hint of a smile tugging at his lips. Blinking his eyes open, he focuses immediately on Jared and his smile grows. Jensen’s not spooning Jared like they usually do; his heart flutters over the thought that they’re slowly building a “usual position”. Instead, they are facing each other, both of their heads magnetically drawn closer together while their bodies curve away from each other only to be tangled up again in the form of their feet entwining. Somewhere in the middle of the night, Jensen lost his clothing, leaving him in a pair of sleep shorts and Jared still in his sweats. “Mornin’”

“Morning,” Jared says with his own smile and then lets his eyes flutter close in contentment.

Jensen’s hand reaches out and traces patterns over Jared’s belly, whispering “mornin’” again but it’s not really for Jared’s ears.

“Mmm, feels good,” Jared sighs out as he moves an inch closer and pushes his belly into Jensen’s touch.

Jensen has no idea how long they lay there getting lost in the drawn out act of waking up, but the fact that there is no rush to their day makes him calmer than he’s been in a while. Plus, he’s got his hands all over Jared’s body; that’s definitely a moment worth making last.

In the soft morning light, both of their inhibitions are slow to wake as well, it’s why Jensen finds himself slotting a leg between Jared’s and coasting his palm so far down Jared’s belly that his fingertips dip under the waist band of Jared’s pants. He pauses for a moment to assess the man’s reaction, taking Jared biting the corner of his lips seductively to be a sign there are no problems taking things were Jensen thinks they are about to take them.

Jensen’s hand keeps moving and comes in contact with Jared’s dick. Technically he’s seen it before but it’s never been erect like it is right now. It’s heavy and solid when Jensen wraps his fingers around it, making his own cock thicken in his shorts. All it takes is one pump of his fist and Jared’s moaning so sinfully that Jensen feels like he could come on that sound alone.

“Jen,” Jared gets out before crashing their lips together. His fingers are clumsy as they try to hold onto the man but Jared manages to work his arms between Jensen’s and tug his shorts down enough to free his dick. “Oh!” He sighs loudly when his fist encircles Jensen’s arousal at the same moment Jensen pumps his own fist over Jared’s dick, his thumb swiping over the slick head.

Nothing about the moment is hurried although Jensen’s been starved of it for it years. He hasn’t wanted anyone to touch him for a long time but now the want and need are making desire coil in his stomach and his balls tighten up. Jared’s reacting the same way.

Their kisses turn into staggered attempts to swallow each other whole and remembering how to actually use their lips. Both of them get caught up in the feeling of each other’s hands on overly sensitive flesh.

Jared looks like he’s going to lose himself in the most beautiful way Jensen’s ever seen and Jensen knows he’s mirroring that look. Jared’s eyes are wide and saturated with emotion – love and want and everything in between – as they lock with Jensen’s.

Their breathing gets a bit hectic but they keep looking at each other so they can watch each other fall apart.

Jared loves him.

He doesn’t need words to make that inference. And he loves Jared.

And Jared knows.

It’s what does it for Jensen and he makes a mess of Jared’s hand but he’s guessing the man doesn’t mind much since he’s practically doing the same to Jensen’s. He pumps Jared through the tail end of his orgasm while peppering his blissed out face with kisses, feeling like he’s not only waking up to a new morning but a whole new life that’s been set out before him.


	7. Chapter 7

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/14374446314/)

 

Jared lets Jensen sleep in.

The man definitely deserves it. After thoroughly enjoying his day off yesterday, Jensen has to clock in for a night shift later on. Jared can’t manage to sleep any longer but Jensen keeps snoozing away beside him. Wanting Jensen to get as much sleep as he can to keep him energized for the long hours ahead of him, Jared slips out of the bed. When Jared shifts, Jensen’s hand, limp with sleep, slides from its place over Jared’s heart and thuds onto the mattress.

Jared smiles at that and because, as much trouble as Jensen went through to buy a quality mattress for the room Jared stayed in on his first few days living with Jensen, Jensen’s mattress is infinitely more comfortable. Jared knows 100% that it’s because of the man he’s taken to resting his head beside.

He seriously doesn’t think he’s ever taken the time to enjoy the intimacy between sharing wakeful and sleeping hours with someone. It’s true he’s guilty of getting stuck in the belief that true closeness between people is sex; the more primal the sex, the stronger the commitment.

Jensen changed that belief. There is no way that anything Jared’s experienced in his life, sex or otherwise, has been as intense as the connection and energy that zaps through him when Jensen’s there.

The pressure to do more than taking slow, exploratory moves, isn’t there. It’s like they are both relearning how to let someone into their lives and touch them with acts of love.

While Jared might have initially felt embarrassed, like there was something wrong with him because he wasn’t jumping Jensen’s bones, those worries settled when he noticed Jensen’s even more hesitant actions – or inactions. The emotions are there, Jared can see them in Jensen’s body language.

Everything is there. It is like the fabled love at first sight that he grew up believing in because every children’s movie was slathered with it. Then he grew up and the myth faded. Perhaps that’s why he has a hard time wrapping his head around what’s happening between him and Jensen. He feels like it’s moving too fast but there have been years building up towards this explosive connection.

Jensen has wounds that run deeper and wider than any of Jared’s. Jared’s come to terms with his own wounds and never let the abandonment of his family and Ricky actually change his own confidence in himself, only his confidence in being the type of partnership where each person plays an equal part. It made him skittish about getting into a relationship because he saw himself as baggage for an emotional partner. He can get around that because, Jensen? He doesn’t look at Jared like that.

Jared’s strong enough to walk Jensen through nightmares. Jensen doesn’t see himself the way Jared does but Jared thinks, if he tries hard enough, he can get Jensen to see that he’s a good man. There isn’t a shred of blame in the man’s body for Kenneth’s death.

He feels achy even though Jensen’s been good enough to try and work all his sore spots over on several occasions. Deciding on a shower, he uses the bathroom in the hallway in fear that the sound of the water running from Jensen’s in suite bathroom will wake the man up.

The shower is unremarkable in the sense that Jared’s done the same thing a million times. It’s gotten more complex as his belly got bigger and things got more sensitive, but it’s pretty routine.

He grabs a clean wash cloth and runs it over his skin, slipping it between his legs. It comes away smeared with blood, redder than the blood he’d found weeks ago. His reaction now is the same as the one he had then; his blood goes cold under the warmth of the shower spray and his heart stops.

Logically, he was expecting this. He’s hit the 35 week mark and he knows enough about his body and placenta previa to know there is no way he is ever going to make it to 40 weeks. However, he expected contractions to signal that they’re done playing the waiting game, not blood.

There isn’t a lot of pain but a second exploratory swipe of the washcloth reveals even more blood.

“Fuck!”

He wobbles as panic leaves him feeling lightheaded.

Turning off the water, his legs shake as he tries to exit. He gets as far as the toilet before they give out and he falls onto the closed lid. “Jensen?” The name squeaks out of Jared’s mouth because fear has stolen his voice. Swallowing, he tries again. “Jensen!” This time, his voice is loud and echoes through the small bathroom. He’s glad he left the door open because he’s not sure he’d be able to reach it if he wanted to. He’s paralyzed with fear that his body is killing his daughter. He’s on the boarder of bleeding out and then they are both in trouble, but at least he’s strong enough to fight through it. She’s helpless. “Jensen!”

Footsteps come thundering down the hallway, stopping when Jensen pretty much stumbles into the room, hair askew and eyes wide with panic. “What? What’s going on?” He scans the room from left to right before searching Jared’s face for the answer.

“I’m bleeding.”

“Shit.” Jensen rushes into the room and gets down on Jared’s level, placing a hand on each of his shivering knees. “Okay…so….”

“So…I’m bleeding.” Jared’s brain gets stuck on repeating that word. “Bleeding.” He holds up the washcloth that he hasn’t been able to will his fingers to release.

“I’m going to check.” Jensen says as he nods.

Jared lets Jensen’s assess the situation, angling himself so he can scoot forward and give Jensen a chance to see the blood for himself. He can tell by the way Jensen goes pale, that it’s not good. It’s _really_ not good when Jensen’s hand starts to shake and his eyes cloud with shards of past guilt and helplessness. “Oh god,” Jared says as his thoughts turn dark and he feels himself falling into blackout territory. He’s overwhelmed by it all and his body is thrumming with alarm.

“I’m not going to lie to you Jared, you’re bleeding a lot. You and I both know what that means.” Jensen finds a way to push all his own panic down and smiles but neither of them believe it. It’s too forced and doesn’t reach Jensen’s eyes. Still, he gets to his feet and holds a hand out to Jared. “It means,” Jensen starts, “that you’re going to have a baby today.”

That’s not exactly what Jared thought was going to come out of Jensen’s mouth but he’s glad to have that to focus on other than the alternative. “Yeah…today’s a good day to be born, right?”

“Good as any.” Jensen smiles. “Come on, let’s get you dressed enough to get you to the hospital.” Licking his lips, he pauses. “I’m gonna take care of you Jared. I promise I am. Both of you are going to be _fine_.”

For a moment, Jared isn’t sure who Jensen’s trying to convince of that fact. Considering everything they both know about each other, Jared’s banking on the answer being both of them.

***

For Jensen, the operating room is somewhere he often feels at home. It makes no sense, since part of the location comes with unpredictable events. But Jensen feels like he can manipulate them and make them come out the way he wants to.

He is a good doctor. That fact isn’t just lip service people pay him.

He’s been in pretty hairy situations and defied odds.

Today, however, it fills him with so much trepidation that he’s shaking.

The minute he and Jared arrived at the hospital, everything was thrown into fast motion. He’d phoned ahead so they would be waiting for him, but he didn’t expect everyone to descend upon them in such force. He supposes it is because Jared is one of their own, and they always take care of members of the team.

What he doesn’t realize is that he’s become one of them as well. The staff were quick to pick up on something too intense to touch between Jared and Jensen, giving them an understanding that the situation at hand involves Jensen just as much as it does the man who is actually having a baby.

Jensen’s finished scrubbing up and when he enters the operating room, Jared’s completely numb from the waist down. He assumes an anesthesiologist had gotten to work while Jensen was off convincing the chief of medicine that he’s got his wits about him enough to handle performing Jared’s c-section. It’s true that he’s too involved in Jared’s life on all accounts but there is no way he will lose his focus and let Jared down.

He can’t.

“Hey, Jared.” Jensen smiles in an attempt to hide the shiver that runs through his spine. Seeing Jared on a hospital gurney is startling because it’s the second time in his life that one of his loved ones is in that position. Only difference is, Jared’s not burned over most of his body. The need to act is just as immediate, however, because Jared’s losing blood by the minute. He leans down and kisses Jared’s lips without a thought towards the other staff members witnessing it. Jared’s lips feel cold against his and it leaves him feeling unsettled.

“Hi,” Jared breathes out. He reaches up and grabs Jensen’s hand, squeezing it, giving Jensen a reassurance he didn’t know he needed to hear. “You’re going to do great, Jensen. I trust you. You’ll take care of us.”

Jensen nods.

Then everything is in fast motion again. The room is filled with people who personally know Jared, but then again, _everyone_ in Mount Desert Island Hospital knows Jared. They put up a screen to block Jared from looking at his own guts being tugged out of the way to get to his daughter, despite the fact that Jared knows exactly how this is going to go down.

Jared’s belly is on display and for a second Jensen questions if Dr. Kaplan was right, maybe he can’t do this. The thought of cutting into that flesh and seeing Jared’s insides terrifies him. It’s a good thing the alternative terrifies him more. It also makes him realize that he _can_ cut Jared open because he _can’t_ watch him hemorrhage.

“Ok, Jared…we’re going to start now.”

The procedure goes perfectly. Jensen’s so focused that he breaks a sweat but everything else falls into place. Gary is assisting, making sure Jensen can get to the baby as quickly as possible.

“Alright, here she comes.” Jensen presses and shoves before he pulls the little girl from the space where she’s been safely curled.

He’s delivered hundreds of babies in the past but not one of them will ever be like the girl in his hands. Time slows as he looks at the gunk covered, bloody baby and thinks she’s beautiful. His heart explodes and he knows he needs to do something but all he wants to do is stare at her in awe. And terror. He’s frozen, not exactly sure how to move, hoping that if he holds perfectly still, he won’t fuck her up.

Because, Jensen? Jensen’s completely, and utterly, in love with her.

***

Pressure drowns out every other sensation in Jared’s body. It comes with a healthy heaping of nervousness and he holds his breath. Seconds feel like minutes and despite the numbness, he squeezes his eyes close and cries out when he feels a tugging and then a detached emptiness.

“You’ve got a little girl,” Gary says, prompting Jared to open his eyes and look up to see Jensen holding his daughter with two bloody hands.

It’s surreal because Jared always had a little girl from the moment she was conceived but now he _has_ a little girl. She’s not moving too much, frozen as much as Jensen looks.

Then Jensen snaps into action and does something, jolting time back into accordance and a scream from the baby’s new, wet lungs.

“Hi, Sophie,” Jared says as tears blur his vision. He’s never said her name out loud to anyone in fear that it would jinx something. He feels safe enough to say it now because his daughter is screaming louder, keeping her eyes scrunched closed and making jerky motions with her limbs. He’s crying by the time he realizes that Sophie is being whisked out of Jensen’s arms and taken to a part of the room he can’t manage to see, no matter how hard he cranes his neck. It lets that sense of detachment set in again because Sophie’s not part of him anymore and he can’t even see her. She might as well not exist. Hormones and illogical thoughts are running through him and he cries louder.

He’s freaking out.

Jensen seems to take notice, because he starts barking orders. He still has to put Jared back together, making him look torn between going to comfort Jared with kisses and actual finishing the surgery. The conflict is in no way hidden on Jensen’s face, and Jared watches him fight through it.

He yells towards the nurse who took Sophie, “Let Jared see his damn baby!” Voice full of growling protective warning, Jensen’s eyes flare up to let everyone in the room know they better not ignore him. He’s gone into full papa bear mode.

Jared’s glad for it. It warms his heart and brings him back to the moment. The fact that he can barely move is leaving him with a feeling of helplessness and Jensen looking out for him helps ground him.

“But we have to get her to the NICU,” a nurse says.

“By the sound of those cries, her lungs seem to be doing good enough to let her father get to meet her. I think Jared deserves at least a couple of minutes with her.” The same demanding tone is in Jensen’s voice.

It works. Sophie is brought over to Jared, wrapped up in a blanket with her face cleared of all the blood and vernix. From what Jared can tell, she looks good. She’s small but she’s five weeks early; it’s to be expected. He wishes he could hold her, but he has to settle for her being held close to his face so he can feather a hundred kisses over her cheeks and closed eyes. She doesn’t feel like opening them for him, and that’s okay. Her eyes are new and sensitive, and Jared thinks she has the right idea in trying to drown out the blinding lights of the room. “Hi, little girl. Sorry you’re here early.” He kisses her again and wants to soak every piece of her in. He wants to see her little legs and have that cliché moment of counting all her toes and fingers too. That fact that he can’t leaves him feeling a type of sadness that surprises him. He’s supposed to be happy – which he is – but there is something else there too and it makes him cry all over again.

Mary, a NICU nurse Jared’s worked with before, comes to join them. “Okay, we gotta take her. You know, check her out and everything. I promise we’ll take good care of her and I’ll try to keep you posted while Jensen tries to put humpty dumpty together again.”

Jared nods, even though he knows they don’t need his permission. They’d take Sophie anyway.

“Jared, you did…” Jensen stops what he’s doing long enough to lock eyes with Jared. “Perfect,” he says with the smile. “And…Sophie?” The word leaves his tongue like he’s testing it out. “She’s beautiful.” His lips twitch into a wider smile. “I gotta work, so…you hang in there. Okay?”

Jared does. It’s not like he has any other choice.

Time flies by and Jared may have faded in and out once or twice, but he’s losing blood and the energy that comes along with it.

People are reassuring him and he’s been in their place before. They are supposed to tell him he’s going to be fine.

When he gets set up for a blood transfusion, he stops fighting. He’s sleepy and he wants to see his baby but that has to wait because his eyelids feel like they’re ten pounds each. It’s impossible to keep them open.

He blacks out.

When he wakes, the scenery is different. He’s in a regular room. No more intimidating operating room surroundings.

His first reaction is to push himself up but the pain radiating from his middle stops him dead in his tracks. He feels like he got hit by a Mac truck. Wincing and letting out a loud hiss, he sinks back onto the bed.

“Hey! Easy!” a nurse says as she looks up from checking Jared’s vitals.

Cracking an eye open, Jared tries to focus after the motion sent his world spinning. “Denise?”

“Yeah.” She laughs. “Man, you look like shit.”

“Well fuck you too,” Jared says while shaking his head but knows he probably looks as bad as he feels.

“Relax, sleeping beauty. I’d be worried if you didn’t look like shit. It took a lot of blood to get you back in working order. Besides, you had a baby five hours ago; you’re allowed to let yourself go for the time being.”

“Five hours?” Jared blinks, this time moving slower.

“Here,” Denise says as she presses a small remote into his hand. “Pain meds. Use ‘em.”

Jared is pushing the button even as he wraps his hand around it. “Thanks.”

“Welcome.” She goes back to scribbling something in Jared’s chart. “How are you feeling, papa?”

Jared ignores the question. “Where’s Sophie?”

“Sorry, yeah...of course you’d want to know about her. I’m sorry. She’s in the NICU and doing well. She needs some oxygen and her suckling reflex is off but she’s healthy otherwise.” Clicking her tongue, Denise repeats her first question. “How are _you_ doing? And don’t lie to me. I know when my patients are lying.”

“I hurt all over and really want to see my daughter.” He clicks the remote again in hopes that the pain meds go through his system fast enough to at least take the edge off.

“You can. Of course you can. I just gotta make sure you’re responding well after surgery. A c-section is a big deal, Jared.” Denise smiles. “By the way, your daughter is a cutie. She’s got the whole NICU staff fawning over her.

“They fawn over all the babies.”

“Well, yeah…but…she’s got Norma fawning over her too. Norma doesn’t _fawn_.”

“Oh my god, she doesn’t.” Jared smacks his lips and tries to get the stale taste out of his mouth. “Sophie must be cute if she has Norma wrapped around her finger.”

“She is. Here,” Denise says as she gives Jared a glass of water.

Jared takes a drink and chokes on it. His throat feels sore but he pushes through it. Placing the cup on the table beside him, he looks around the room. “Where’s Jensen?”

“Last time I saw him, he was with Sophie. That man’s been staring at her like she’s made of glass. Hasn’t once touched her.”

Jared’s not sure what to make of that. Jensen pulled Sophie out of Jared’s womb; there isn’t anything he could do that would be more precarious than that. “I want to see her.”

“I know. But she needs to stay in the NICU for now. And you need to stay in this bed. You’re barely five hours out of surgery.”

“I know…but…” He throws his best attempt to plead with Denise by way of puppy eyes and biting his bottom lip. “Please? I didn’t get to hold her and…she’s not inside me anymore. It feels weird and scary and I know you’re saying that she’s fine but I _need_ to see her for myself.”

Denise put a hand on her hip. “You know, I’d be breaking my orders in letting you go down there?”

“Yeah…but…come on. It’s _me_ we’re talking about. I can handle a little pain and I know the whole spiel you are supposed to give c-section patients. Anyway, moving around is good, right? I am just getting a head start on it.”

The request lands Jared in a wheelchair being pushed towards the NICU. He’s lucky it was Denise who he woke up to. She’s always liked him after he took her on as a kid sister when she got hired three years ago. She’s quick to give into him.

Jared’s incision site hurts but so does everything else that’s been dumped back inside him. He clenches his jaw to help grin and bear it because a little piece of his heart is way too far away from him and he needs that back as soon as possible.

True to Denise’s words, Jensen is still in the NICU. He’s sitting in a chair beside Sophie’s oxygen cart with his elbows resting on his knees and his head in his hands.

“Jensen?”

“Jared?” Jensen gets to his feet. “What are you doing here? You should be sleeping, or at least resting. You…you…How are you?”

“I’m good. I needed to see her.” Jared tries to strain his neck so he can see Sophie.

“You got this?” Denise asks Jensen as she makes a head nod towards Jared’s wheelchair.

Hesitating for a moment, Jensen swallows. “Yeah. Yeah, I got this.”

“Good. Thanks.” She squeezes a hand to Jared’s shoulder. “See you later boys.”

When she leaves, there is a moment of awkwardness between Jared and Jensen; Jared’s not sure why. He puts that concern on hold as he gets a better look at his daughter. She’s pretty pink, which he registers as good. Her fists are balled up tightly and she’s awake enough to be kicking her legs out. Jared has his moment, counting under his breath as he verifies that she does have all ten fingers and toes. He wants to count them again once she’s in his arms, just to touch each one and make sure they are real. That she’s real.

Because, part of him can’t get a grasp on the fact that she is his. She’s been breathing on her own for five hours and Jared hasn’t even introduced himself to her.

“I want to hold her.” He looks up at Jensen. “Can I hold her?”

“Of course you can hold her, Jared.” Jensen locks the wheelchair in place and then freezes. “Let me get a NICU nurse to get her for you. I…I don’t want to knock anything out of place.” He disappears before Jared can question him.

Jared thinks there aren’t many ‘things’ to knock out of place. The machines on Sophie aren’t very intimidating; surely Jensen could have handled them. Sure, the baby has a few tubes on her and some sensors stuck to her naked chest, but Jensen’s been a doctor for years. Sophie’s a baby but the science going into her care shouldn’t be anything new to Jensen.

Alone with his daughter for a moment, Jared traces the clear side of Sophie’s cot. She’s got hair, not much but it’s there. It’s sticking up in all different directions and Jared thinks it’s dark blonde. Or light brown. Even in her newborn state, Jared can tell she has his more almond shaped eyes but her nose is a mystery to him. It’s just a baby’s nose, cute and button like. He hopes she doesn’t have his but she doesn’t want Sophie to inherit Ricky’s either. He’s hoping for something like his mother’s nose.

“Hi, Jared,” A stern looking woman in her fifties says as she approaches.

“Hi, Norma.” Licking his lips, Jared turns his pleas towards her. “Can I hold my baby? I hate to take her from you, since I heard you’ve been fawning over her.”

“Lies.” Norma says with a wave of her hand, her face still holding on to its stern characteristic. She winks quickly at Jared, breaking the persona for a split second. “Whoever told you that is a terrible liar.” She brushes past them and reaches in to scoop up the delicate looking baby. “She’s perfectly safe to hold. Just mind her oxygen tubes. But even if they slip, we’re starting to think she won’t need them much longer. It’s just a precaution at this point.”

“Okay.” Then Jared goes speechless as he positions his arms to cradle Sophie against his chest. She’s light as a feather but heavy enough to knock his heart out of commission. “Oh my god,” he gasps as his arms figure out how to make this whole baby holding thing work.

“She’s good. You don’t drop her or anything.” She shakes her finger at him along with the warning but leaves before her true adoration for the baby peaks through.

Jared’s first reaction is to get lost in looking at Sophie. She’s not just the little fetus he carried around. She’s human and real.

His second reaction is to stare up at Jensen with tear filled eyes. “Look what I made.”

“Yeah, I see. I’ve been staring at her for quite some time.” Jensen scratches at the back of his neck and the Adam’s apple in his throat bobs as he swallows.

“She’s really pretty.” Jared presses a kiss to his daughter’s head. “Hi, Sophie. I’m your papa. Remember me? I’m the one that forced you to eat spicy food and banged you around when I tripped over everything. And you?” Jared can’t stop smiling. “You’re my little peanut.” He was going to blame her for all the nausea and upset stomachs but he can’t. He doesn’t feel any of that type of sentiment towards her. It takes a few minutes, but the feeling of actually being a parent starts to seep in. “You’re my daughter. I hope that’s okay because you’re kind of stuck with me.”

Sophie makes a sound that Jared can only describe as being a squeak. With a big yawn, she wiggles closer to Jared. Her eyes blink open, slow and squinty at first and then wide and confused. Her head follows the sound of Jared’s voice and his heart melts.

“Hi, baby.” Jared traces the bridge of her nose with his forefinger. “You’re so sweet.”

He’s heard his patients say that all the pain of childbirth, natural or surgical, is always worth it in the end. They are completely right because while Jared is sure his middle is stick sending out waves of pain, his brain isn’t registering it.

“Jensen, she’s _so_ sweet,” he repeats again like he can’t believe it. “Look what we did, huh?”

“What you did,” Jensen corrects.

“No, what _we_ did. Sophie’s here safe and sound because you’ve been my doctor this whole time. You delivered her and kept her safe, just like you said you would. So _we_. It’s _we_. It was a team effort.” Jared smiles up at Jensen. As much as he doesn’t want to let Sophie go – _ever_ – he thinks he needs to see her in Jensen’s arms too. “You wanna hold her?”

***

Jensen loses the ability to talk.

The real answer to Jared’s question is “yes” but nothing comes out.

Instead, apprehension sets in.

He delivered Sophie, that part is true. He fulfilled his promise and managed to keep both Jared and Sophie alive. That part seems like the easy part when compared to the emotional panic attack he’s been dealing with once he knew Jared and the baby were going to be okay.

He’s never held a newborn that he’s had personal interest in.

It’s a stupid fear, he knows, but he’s been consumed with it ever since his life took a wrong turn and left him childless. He felt like fate had deemed him undeserving of a child.

“Jensen?” Jared looks up at him with his head cocked in question.

“No…I…You hold her.”

Jared snorts and rolls his eyes. There is no way he believes Jensen’s refusal is based solely on the fact that Jared should hold her.

“Okay, what’s going on?” Jared asks with concern as he shifts Sophie.

The way Jared handles Sophie looks instinctual and Jensen’s heart leaps at that. He _wants_ but his brain can’t wrap around what it is exactly that he’s searching for. He lets his defenses down because Jared actually knows exactly what’s going on, he just doesn’t know it. It stems back to the same problem he’s had for year. “So…you know Ken was pregnant when he died.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I…I was really excited about the baby. Told _everyone_. And then when he or she died, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I took it as a sign that I didn’t deserve to have an innocent, impressionable life in my hands when I clearly failed Kenneth. What would stop me from failing a kid?”

Jared’s eyes immediately get knocked down a few pegs, looking sad and sympathetic. “Oh, Jensen. No! That’s not true. I know what you _think_ happened, but the world doesn’t work like that. Your baby didn’t die because you deserved it. It…It doesn’t work like that.”

“Well, that’s how I feel – ”

“And it’s a valid feeling. If you feel that way, I’m not going to push it aside like it means nothing. But…you’re not incapable of taking care of people. You do it for a living. You kept me and Sophie safe and sound. You didn’t fail us. Look,” Jared shifts so Sophie’s face is turned towards Jensen. “She’s here and it’s because you helped with that. You’re not going to mess her up or…or…whatever else you think you are going to do to her.”

Jensen’s eyes fall to Sophie’s face and the way her eyes cross for a moment before blinking slowly as she gets used to having them open. His heart thumps wildly in his chest. “It’s a stupid fear.”

“It’s not stupid. It’s just…not true.” Jared holds Sophie a few inches away from his body. “Here. I trust you. You’re not going to let anything happen to her.”

Jensen stares at the baby. Clearly, she isn’t happy with being pulled away from the warmth of Jared’s arms. She fusses, face on the brink of scrunching up in discomfort. She lets out one little peep, just the hint of a cry, and Jensen moves on autopilot. He steps forward and takes her from Jared with practiced movements. It happens so fast that he’s almost surprised when he pulls back from the situation and has Sophie snuggled in his arms.

“See,” Jared says with a side smirk.

Jensen rolls his eyes down at Jared and raises one eyebrow before going back to the whimpering baby. “Shh, Soph, it’s okay. I’m sorry.” He puts a hand under her diapered bottom and supports her while he shifts her so that she is snuggled up over his chest, her tiny head safe in the crook of Jensen’s neck. “Shh, little lady. It’s okay.” Sophie’s head is warm against the exposed skin around the collar of Jensen’s shirt and he turns his head so he can inhale her scent. She smells…new. He’d never had the chance to be up close and personal with the newborn and never understood when other people said that.

Now he does.

“Hey, Sophie,” Jensen coos in her ears. “Welcome to the world. Sorry for yanking you out of your papa. You were good and stuck in there. Didn’t feel like coming out, huh?” He doesn’t feel stupid having a one sided conversation with the baby, which is a relief. His own instinct kicks in and he starts bouncing her softly as he shifts his weight from right to left in a rocking motions. He gets lost in the moment and before he knows it, the phrase “I love you” slips out of his mouth and lands directly on Sophie. His eyes flick towards Jared to make sure he’s okay with that fact.

Thankfully, Jared looks like he’s going to let big happy tears come rolling down his cheeks at any moment. He’s smiling so hard his face is about to split. He has to clear his throat before he can say, “looks like she loves you too. You look good with her.” The words fade out as he sniffs loudly and wipes at his eyes with the backs of his hands.

Jensen catches his reflection in the glass of the NICU’s windows. Through the distortion and faded quality, he’s still able to make out what Sophie looks like when she’s safe against Jensen’s chest. He has to agree. Sophie’s welcome to snuggle up in his arms anytime she wants.

***

There are a lot of benefits to working at the hospital where you give birth.

The main one is that they actually let him stay a few extra days until Sophie is ready to go home. Thankfully, she’s a pretty healthy premie. While Jared is supposed to be discharged after three days, they want to keep Sophie for six.

Six isn’t bad at all. Jared thought it would be worse. He also thought he’d be one of those parents who got released from the hospital and spend every waking hour of his day stalking the NICU. Actually, he is one of those parents. He’s usual in the NICU with Sophie if he isn’t eating or sleeping.

Today, however, Sophie is deemed healthy enough to leave the NICU. It’s cause for a mini-celebration but since he and Jensen are working with limited materials, the celebration consists of a cupcake from the hospital cafeteria and a few kisses.

What Jensen doesn’t know is that Jared has some surprises up his sleeves as well, thoughts he’s been having for a long time. He’s certain now, however. He can share them with Jensen without any fear that he’s making a mistake.

With Sophie in his arms, he tries to get her to finish her bottle. She’s both lazy and not good at suckling, which makes feeding her a lengthy experience. He doesn’t mind because she’s in his arms and he doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of etching the confines of her face into his memory.

“Come on, peanut,” Jared says as he wiggles the bottle and tries to wake her up. “You gotta prove to everyone you can eat on your own or you can’t come home.”

Sophie wakes up enough to suckle three times and then gives up. Her milky lips go still around the nipple and she looks so cute that Jared’s not even frustrated with her.

“If she’s not listening to you now, I wonder how she’ll be in the teenage years,” Jensen says from his seat beside Jared’s bed. He’s been working all day, at Jared’s insistence. Now he has some down time and he said he wants to spend it with his favorite people.

There is a comfortable silence between them before they both go to speak at the same time. They laugh and then try again, resulting in them talking over each other.

“No, you go first,” Jensen says with a laugh still in his voice.

“No, it’s okay. My question can wait. What were you going to say?” Jared’s heart starts thumping in anticipation of getting through Jensen’s thoughts so he can spill his own.

“I…well…you just had a baby.”

“Did I?” Jared says in mock surprise.

“Shut up,” Jensen grumbles and backhands Jared’s thigh playfully. “Well…I was thinking…don’t go. Stay with me. You know, at least for a little longer. I know you said you would be out of my hair once she was born but…I don’t want you out of my hair. I don’t want you out of _anything_. You’re going to have trouble getting around for a while and I can’t stand the thought of you and Sophie being all alone in your apartment. I’m not going to force you but…what if you need something? Or what if – ” Jensen stops rambling when Jared holds up a palm.

“Stop.”

“What?” Jensen asks, a flush sneaking to his cheeks after he just poured his concerns out without a filter.

“You’re getting ahead of yourself…because…well, the staff has been pestering me about Sophie’s birth certificate.”

“What about it?”

“Well, I need to fill it out.”

Jensen scratches at his head and sighs. “What does this have to do with you going back to your apartment?”

“Everything.” Jared takes a deep breath and suddenly he’s the one who is going to ramble. He knows it. He feels all the words and sentiment piling up on his tongue. “Because…I filled most of it out. You know…her name is Sophie Jo Padalecki and I’m her birth father and…well…I just had to finish putting in your name as her other father. I wanted to make sure that was okay with you because Sophie’s yours too. It’s obvious. Everyone can see it. And I think the world should know too. So I needed help filling out her birth certificate because I want you to be her dad and I _want_ you to want that too.” Jared finds a way to halt his momentum and stops to breathe. Jensen’s blinking at him, jaw dropped. “Jensen?”

“You want me to be her dad?” His voice is full of disbelief.

“Yeah…I…” Jared pauses and licks his lips. “I really do. _We_ really do. It feels _right_. It’s…fate. You know? You and me and her. It’s like we’re meant to be together. And I _want_ you to be part of our family. You’ll always do right by her, no matter what. I know you. That’s who you are.”

Jensen’s jaw is still slack as his wide eyes blink. “You want _me_ to be _her_ dad?”

“Yes.” Nerves make Jared shake because he’s both excited and terrified. A lot banks on Jensen’s answer and his heart will shatter into a million irreparable pieces if the word out of Jensen’s mouth is “no.”

Nothing leaves Jensen’s mouth save for a heavy punch of air. Then the doctor is rushing the bed, mindful of Sophie as he captures Jared’s lips and kisses him. Jared can feel energy thrumming through Jensen as their kiss deepens. Jensen can’t seem to do anything more than keep kissing Jared, lips trembling and desperate as he seeks out more of a connection.

Jared pulls away for a fraction of a second. “Say yes, Jen.”

“Yes. Of course, yes.” Jensen kisses Jared between each word and smiles against his lips. “Of course I want to be her dad. If you want it too…then…yeah.” Licking his lips, a hopeful glint appears in his eyes. “So, does this mean you two are coming home with me?”

“Of course, Jensen. A family needs to be together. Plus, your bed’s pretty comfortable.” The joke is there but it’s made all the more emotional by the tears building in Jared’s eyes.

They have a moment of getting lost in each other and the massive change to their lives and relationship. It’s monumental but _right_. They are crying and Jared thinks that they’ve got to do something about that. They’ve been emotional messes since they’ve met but on the account that they’re happy tears, he figures he can let this one slide.

Jensen pulls away and scoops Sophie up, bottle and all, so her head is in the crook of his arms. “Hey, Sophie. How does that sound to you? Is it okay if you’re my daughter?” The baby wakes up from all the commotion and cracks her eyes open at Jensen as if to say, “of course that’s okay, are you crazy?” Laughing, Jensen kisses her forehead. “Hey’a, Sophie. I know we met, but I’m your…dad.” The last word makes him choke up and he stares at the ceiling. “Oh my god, I’m _that_ dad, aren’t I?”

“Yeah, you are.” Jared can’t blame Jensen, however, because he’s right there on the sidelines with him. He lets Jensen hog _their_ daughter for a while, bouncing her and trying to get her to eat. “Holy shit, she’s suckling for more than thirty seconds. How did you do that?”

Jensen beams a proud smile up at Jared. “That’s ‘cause I’m her dad.”


	8. Chapter 8

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/14375381215/)

 

Bringing Sophie home is probably the most happily nerve-wracking day of Jensen’s life.

They survived the car ride home. Barely. Between Jensen driving 10 miles an hour and Jared hissing in pain every time they hit a bump in the road, Jensen doesn’t know how his heart didn’t give out when his own concern set it off into a series of frantic beats.

He figures home is something safe but all he can picture are all the hazards that his new house is hiding from them. There are staircases and sharp edges. Sophie’s not even old enough to do much more than eat, sleep and poop and he’s already stuck on making her world as safe as possible.

“Hey, earth to Jensen,” Jared says as he waves his hands in the air.

“What? Huh?” Jensen puts the car into park and kills the ignition. “Sorry, I was just thinking.”

“About what?” Jared’s voice has a hint of concern and Jensen picks up on it right away. The concern doesn’t belong there, at least not for the reasons Jared is probably thinking.

“I’m _so_ ready for this but…you know…the house isn’t Sophie-proof and – ”

Jared’s laugh cuts him off. “Jen, she’s seven days old. _Everything_ is Sophie-proof. She’s not mobile. We’ve got time.”

“Yeah…I’m happy to have her home but I didn’t really think she’d be coming home…to this home…so…there is a lot to do.”

“And you’ll probably do all of them in one day like you did with furnishing your house. I’m not worried about it. Right now I am worried about mastering the art of getting out of the car without injuring anything.”

“Right,” Jensen says. He hits his forehead with the heel of his hand and starts to think that he’s never been so frazzled before. He feels like he must have brain damage because even the simplest task like bringing Sophie into her new home is monumental. Slipping out of the car, Jensen goes around to the rear passenger door and opens it to help Jared out. It’s slow going but easier than avoiding potholes in the road. Once Jared’s on his feet, Jensen’s brain-dead again.

“Baby,” Jared says as he points to Sophie snuggled up in her portable car seat.

“Right,” he says for the second time in 3 minutes. He jogs around the car and opens the other rear door, reaching in to release the car seat and carry it and Sophie out into the chilly air. He’s torn again because he wants to help Jared up the walkway but Sophie’s smaller and probably more confused about the temperature change. He rushes inside and puts her carrier on the floor before returning for Jared. By the time he does, the man is practically at the front door.

“Welcome home, Sophie,” Jared says as he makes his way inside and closes the door behind him. Smiling, he looks up. Eyes going wider at what he sees, he turns to Jensen for an explanation. “What’s that?”

Jensen points at the portable crib/changing table sitting beside the sofa in the den. “That? That’s a gift from the NICU nurses. I set it up here when I found out you two were going to be coming here.”

“That’s…that’s great. Now she has some place to sleep other than her car seat. God, I can’t believe I never thought of that. I got too caught up in her and…you…and…I’m an idiot.”

“Not really.” Bending down, Jensen unsnaps Sophie in all her sleepy glory and cradles her in his arms. “Come on…I’ll show you. Can you walk a bit?”

“Yeah, I can walk. That’s not the problem. It’s the sitting down and getting up part that’s annoying. Why?”

“You’ll see.” Jensen takes off towards the stairs and moves slow enough for Jared to follow him. They pass his bedroom and the guest room before pushing open the door at the furthest end of the hallway. Inside is everything Jared had been using to garnish the corner of his apartment as a nursery. There is the crib he’d built and decorations all bearing the monkey motif he selected before he knew if she was a girl or a boy. Jensen added some of his own touches, like a rocking chair he used to keep in the corner of his office and a brand new chest of drawers and a changing table. “Surprise.”

Jared goes speechless as he soaks up the second time Jensen has furnished a room for him. Technically this is for Sophie but it’s for Jared just as much. “Jensen…” He steps into the room and touches the crib. “You brought my crib and…all the monkey stuff…it’s...” Pausing, he turns to face Jensen and his daughter. “It’s perfect. I had no idea.”

“It wouldn’t be much of a surprise if you did know.”

“You like it, Sophie?” Jared asks as he saddles up to Jensen and strokes a finger over his daughter’s cheek. The baby opens her mouth and tries to suckle the air, whining when she realizes there’s nothing to feed her.

Nodding his head towards the rocking chair, Jensen says, “here. Sit.” When Jared does, the room is pretty much complete. It’s warm and cozy, perfect for a newborn. “I’ll make her a bottle.” Placing Sophie into her papa’s arms, Jensen smiles.

He’s happy because his whole life is changing but that’s a good thing. He needs a change and so does Jared. Even though he’s scared, it’s not actually _scary_ because they’re changing together.

***

Jared loves being a father.

He knew he would. He likes caring for things and he’s got a deep well of patience.

Until he was actually living at Jensen’s house, Jared never realized how much he needed to get away from his apartment. His apartment was cold and full of bad energy.

Jensen’s house is new and a blank canvas waiting for memories. Jared thinks they are off to a good start with the memories they’ve already painted it with.

Most of them revolve around Sophie but there are some that are distinctly Jared and Jensen only. There are kisses and revelations that will never be forgotten, complete with a rundown of what room they were in and the time of day. These things are becoming a foundation of their home, making the house Jensen bought on a whim become something more personable.

Even though he’s happy, he’s also bone tired. Sophie’s a great baby, but she’s a baby. She doesn’t keep Jared running all the time but she does demand attention from time to time. Plus, she takes forever to eat, earning Jared the privilege of falling asleep several times when she’s in the middle of her bottle.

He’s also tired because of Jensen’s nightmares, or rather, nightmare. He’s only had one since they’ve come home and it wasn’t as bad as the first time Jared witnessed the aftermath. Jared suspects it had to do with the fact that Jensen had volunteered to get up each and every time Sophie cried. He is a great father to the little girl, never complaining once no matter how many diapers he changes or the times he is doing so.

Jensen’s been off for a week. He’s entitled to paternity leave but since he’s new to the department, he doesn’t get too much of it. Still, something is better than nothing and Jared’s thankful for the help and company. He’s healing well but those first two days would have been rough if Jensen wasn’t good enough to get Sophie when she cried.

The other thing weighing Jensen down is the fact that he wants to introduce his new family to his family and friends back in Dallas. It’s easier said than done because Jensen cut ties with his family when he moved to Maine, stating he needed time to think. It’s going to be a hell of a shock when he shows up with a boyfriend _and_ a daughter.

That’s not really a concern right now. Jared thinks that can wait. What’s more important is getting their lives on track and in sync. There isn’t much concern since they’re opposite magnetic poles. They’re different but passionate about molding around each other’s worlds. It leaves them stunned at how easy things happen between them.

Jared doesn’t want to be alone and he’s happy Jensen used his two days off during the next week to extend his paternity leave to the grand total of 12 days.

Sitting on the couch, Jared’s about to take a cat nap when he hears Sophie start crying in her nursery. The whimper is soft at first but then it quivers and turns into a full blown wail. “I’ll get it,” he says as he starts to push himself to his feet.

Jensen pushes him back down. “No, no. I’ve got it. Really. Just relax.” Jensen’s insistence is a bit too quick and Jared looks at the man quizzically.

“O-kay.” Jared draws out.

***

Jensen dashes up the stairs, making shushing noises the moment he steps into Sophie’s room. “Hi, sweetie. What’s going on?” Running his hands over the baby, he figures out right away that she’s peed through her diaper and onesie. “Oh, Soph. Again?” Jensen laughs but he thinks he and Jared may be doing something wrong with this whole diapering thing. They can’t stop to prevent Sophie from peeing through a least one diaper every day. “Come here, baby.”

Truth is, Jensen doesn’t mind changing her. He was going to do it anyway but Jared hadn’t known about it. The task is quick, and before long Sophie is clean and dry, all suited up in a new onesie. This time, she’s in a regular newborn sized outfit and it fits her well. The premie clothing was getting too short in the legs and Jensen’s proud of his daughter for growing so much in her 14 days of life.

Sophie is sluggish after all the energy she exhausted letting the household know she was wet. She wiggles into Jensen’s arms and lets her legs fall limply over the man’s forearms.

“Hey, Sophie? I need your help, okay?” Jensen uses his free hand to fish something out of his pocket. He hopes Sophie’s habit of keeping her fists balled up is still intact because he’s counting on it. He’s been full of crazy ideas since he met Jared but this isn’t one of them. This is a sudden event but not crazy. It’s right. “Sophie, I wanna marry your papa. How about that?” He looks at the little girl who gurgles at him but remains content. “So that’s a yes?” Taking it as one, Jensen puts a simple platinum ring in Sophie’s palm and curls her fingers around it. “Here goes nothing.”

Taking the stairs slowly so that he can build his nerve up, Jensen returns to where Jared is sitting on the couch. “Hey, look Jared. She’s out of the premie clothes and into the newborn ones. They fit perfectly,” Jensen tilts Sophie so Jared can study her outfit.

“Oh, wow. Look at you peanut. You’re getting so big.” Jared’s smile is so bright that it lights up the whole room.

“Yeah, but there’s only one problem.”

“What?”

“She’s definitely got something that doesn’t fit her. Thought maybe it would look better on you.” Jensen places Sophie into Jared’s waiting arms and steps back. Jared always makes Jensen’s heart pick up the pace but this time he’s got more reasons for it. It’s the most vulnerable he’s ever felt because being seconds away from proposing to Jared makes him feel lightheaded. He’s been finding ways of peeling away parts of his past and opening up to Jared but this exact moment is when Jared could destroy him. He’s putting g lot of trust in the fact that Jared will treat his heart tenderly, so much so that the nerves make him shake slightly.

Jared tilts his head and squints at Jensen. “Huh?” Looking down, he scans Sophie for evidence of Jensen’s words. He finds them the minute Sophie punches her fists against his chest and opens them. The ring the baby had been concealing falls the short distance to Sophia’s belly. Eyes going wide, Jared pulls back as he tries to figure it out. “Jensen…this is a – ”

“Engagement ring. Yes. I know.”

“But – ”

“No buts. Listen. I…I know things about our lives are unconventional but it’s who we are and I love it. I love you and I love Sophie. I’m in this with you till the end. I want to co-parent her with you but I also want to be part of one whole. I want to be your second half. You…you fill in my gaps and I fill in yours.” Dropping to his knees in front of Jared, Jensen reaches for the ring and holds it up. “Please marry me?”

“You’re serious?” Jared’s hand shakes as he holds it open towards Jensen.

“I am.”

Still blinking in disbelief, Jared almost chokes as he tries to breathe. “Are you really doing this?” Jared’s breathing picks up and he can’t stop alternating his gaze between Jensen’s face and the ring.

 _“Yes_! I’m doing this. I mean it. Will you marry me? I asked Sophie and she agrees. She really wants her daddies to get married. She even told me. Well…she didn’t _tell_ me but she didn’t spit up on me either so I’m going to take that as a yes.

Jared nods quickly, his head stuck on a repetitive movement. “Yes. Yes. Yeah. I will.” He lets Jensen slide the ring onto his finger and then stares at it. “Really?”

“Yes, _really_. I love you and Sophie. I couldn’t want anything more. This is perfect.”

Jared lets out a thrilled laugh while staring at his finger. “Oh my god, you want to marry me.” He smiles at Jensen, still nodding a yes. His eyes a bright and filled with adoration and it’s leaking out into the air they are sharing. “Come’re.” He smiles up at Jensen. “I think…we…” He takes a breath that has hints of happy laughter in it. “Just come here and give us a kiss.”

Jensen does without any hesitation. He kisses Jared softly and sweetly, cupping his face in his hands. Pulling away, he kisses his daughter’s cheeks once each before going back up to kiss Jared again.

They may have landed on the fast track to married with child but Jensen never knew he could have all this. Perhaps Jared didn’t believe it either.

They are going to prove each other wrong.

Their love story was meant to be. It’s true.

Jensen doesn’t want to think of them having a happy ending because there is so much more of their story to be told but he’s in agreement with the idea that they are getting their happy beginning.

Right now it seems it all started with a “yes.” It’s all because Jared said “yes.”

*** _Eight Weeks Later_ ***

As Jensen’s lying in bed going over a medical journal he’s so distracted that he feels like he has no idea what he’s reading. He’s gone over the same sentence so many times that he knows he better call it a night. He places it on the bedside table and is about to go and check if Jared is alright when the man appears in the doorway.

“Sophie’s out like a light,” Jared says and he takes slow steps into the room.

“Good. You tired?” Jensen asks through a yawn while covering his mouth in an attempt to hide it. He doesn’t want to go to sleep just yet because his favorite times with Jared are when they’re both able to share the same space and relax enough to let the stresses of the day fall to the side.

“No, not really. Just happy to crawl into bed with you.” He smirks and literally crawls onto the foot of the bed, making his way to Jensen so he can hover over his body and kiss Jensen’s soft lips.

Jensen purrs at the connection and presses into the kiss. It’s automatic when his hands travel up Jared’s arms and along the sides of his neck until they are anchored in Jared’s hair, pulling just enough to keep them connected.

It goes on like that for a while before Jared gets bold enough to tug at Jensen’s shirt so he can push it up towards his neck and expose warm kissable flesh. The dusting of freckles there makes Jared want to kiss each one but that would take all night and they’ve got a nine week old who comes with a definite time limit. Coasting his hands up the man’s abs, Jared rests his palms on each pectoral muscle. The connection gets more intense, like Jared’s trying to figure out a way to fit their bodies together in a way that won’t ever let them be two separate people again.

Sighing happily, Jensen turns his head and kisses the plains of Jared’s face, landing one last kiss on the mole beside his nose. Jared’s hands are working over his body, shimmying clothing up and off, landing Jensen in a much more wakeful state than he was moments ago. “Uh, Jared? What are you doing?” Fluttering his eyelashes, he loses the power to think when Jared kisses him breathless again and melts Jensen into the headboard. While he’d been terrified of that type of connection, now that he’s found it in Jared, Jensen’s not sure what he was worried about. There are no pretenses with Jared, just an organic way of learning as they go.

“I’m trying to make love to my fiancé. I figured I better get on that, considering I’ve wanted to jump your bones from the time I first met you. Besides, it’s been nine weeks since Sophie was born. You yourself gave me the OK to have penetrative sex. Remember?” Jared rolls into Jensen’s body in one fluid motion, kissing his surprised lips.

Jensen _does_ remember; he’s not sure he could ever forget. The part of a postpartum screening is routine for his other patients yet when Jared came in for his appointment, the words took on a whole other meaning. If Jared can have sex again, then it’s obviously going to be with Jensen. Jensen can’t forget the little smirk on Jared’s face when he caught Jensen off guard. They’d been completely professional about the whole thing, two people with a medical understanding, until Jared chimed in with, _“So, I’m all good? The no-penetrative sex deal is off the table?”_ Of course Jensen answered that’s exactly what it means, but he was so stuck in his professional world that he squeaked in surprise when Jared wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and added, _“Alright then. I’ll see you at home.”_ The implication hit Jensen hard, slamming into his heart first before his dick got involved with the thoughts of sex with Jared. He may have jerked off to the thought a few times before…actually, Jared jerked him off to those very thoughts as well. As much as he’s itching to make good on Jared’s proposition, concern wins out over the want that is saturating most of Jensen’s brain. “Are you sure? Because if you’re not feeling – ”

“I’m sure,” Jared encourages. Rolling his hips again, his hardening length rubs against Jensen’s and he smirks like he’s found what he was looking for. “I’m _very_ sure.”

With a sigh, Jensen wraps his arms around Jared’s back and keeps their hips pressed flush, their obvious arousals bumping into each other’s and adding pressure to the equation. “Yeah. Yeah, you are.” He goes in for a kiss and finds that the innocence in it has fallen away.

They’re kissing deep and dirty, both of them desperate for the connection and the promise of something more. Their hearts are beating so rapidly that it makes their chests thrum along and with the way they are pressed together, they both know there are a mix of emotions at play.

Everything between them is still new and exciting but the idea of sex is even more so.

It may not be the most glamorous time and Jared looks a bit of a mess from all the splashing Sophie did when he bathed her, but the two of them don’t care. This is _real_ and intense. It’s unfolding naturally just like every other part of their relationship. They know there will be other times, but right now is about acknowledging that _this_ is about to happen.

There are more kisses while their hips rock against each other’s. They freeze when Jensen’s hands go for Jared’s t-shirt and he starts to yank it up. Cheeks flushing, Jared lets Jensen shimmy the article of clothing away but avoids eye contact.

“What?” Jensen asks as he presses a kiss to Jared’s worried lips.

“N-nothing. Just…you know. My belly’s kind of…a wreck right now and the scar – ”

“Hey,” Jensen says with a raise of an eyebrow. “I think I did pretty well on the scar, thank you very much. Besides, it’s there because we have Sophie. If anything, I think it’s perfect.”

Looking down at his stomach, Jared shrugs. It’s not bad for nine weeks postpartum. It’s definitely no pre-pregnancy body but considering Jensen found him sexy with his big baby bump, Jared supposes he can believe Jensen enough to sink back into the moment. He also knows that this time together is going to be full of snags and trying to figure out what the other likes. It will come with a lasting memory, that’s for sure, but it will also be a learning experience. He figures it’s okay if they aren’t old pros and perfect. Refreshing even. They can be human together, complete with mistakes and weaknesses.

There are clichés that are stupid and there are ones that are true. The first time sleeping with someone is often romanticized and made into a bigger deal than it actually is. Jared used to believe that but this time seems different. It’s the first time they’ve been with another person for a long time and they need this to help take the edge off and the fear out of the equation. There are questions of not being good enough or not being able to feel enough but they are unnecessary. It’s evident that they’re in tune with each other. They feel everything. The more time they take in reaching this moment, the more terrifying it becomes. There’s no way they can thoroughly enjoy it because they have both been worried about how it won’t live up to expectations.

It’s why Jared prepared ahead of time. He stretched himself, using his fingers to stretch himself open and lube up his insides. There are parts of him that have been too bloody and the recovery wasn’t fun. He’s not ready for Jensen to touch those, no matter how bad he wants Jensen inside him. So, for tonight, all the work is done behind the scenes. He’ll find the confidence to let Jensen have that part of him soon enough, but right now it’s about little steps.

Jared shifts to produce a condom he’s had tucked in his hand the whole time. While kissing Jensen, Jared rolls it down Jensen’s aching length. Once the protection is in place, Jared straddles Jensen’s hips and lifts up, reaching back enough to line up Jensen’s dick with his opening.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jared!” Jensen puts his hands on Jared’s hips to steady him.

“It’s okay. I prepped myself earlier. I just wanted to have this moment with you. And Sophie has a knack for ruining the mood when she cries. So…as much as I want to savor this and draw it all out…I really wanna ride you now before our free time is snatched from us.” Keeping his hips up so that the tip of Jensen’s dick is testing the tightness of Jared’s entrance, he leans closer and kisses along Jensen’s jaw line till he reaches his ear. “It’s going to be good Jensen. Let me ride you. I can take it easy and go at my own pace. You don’t have to worry about hurting me.”

“God I love you,” is Jensen’s only response as he pulls Jared’s head closer and fucks his tongue into his mouth.

They keep kissing but miss a few beats as Jared sinks down onto Jensen’s length. It takes a while and he has to swallow down a hiss of discomfort several times, but Jared gets there. He feels full and his eyelids flutter as his nerve endings react to the fact. Looking at Jensen, Jared’s in love with the love drunk expression on his face and how he looks like his brain just tripped over itself trying to keep up with the action of their hips. It’s been a long time and magnitude of that fact is messing with Jared’s head. He wants to be good for Jensen and hopes the way he circles his hips once Jensen bottoms out is doing the trick.

Jensen’s shivering and the way his breathing picks up prove that it is. He hasn’t been inside anyone since Kenneth and suddenly Jensen’s more sensitive than he’s ever been before. Stars dance behind his eyelids and he gasps around a moan, instinctively holding Jared’s hips so that he can’t move and over stimulate him. He forces Jared to sit still so Jensen can soak in the exact feeling of Jared’s entrance constricting around him. Part of him feels like he’s crazy but Jensen swears he’s never fit better inside anyone in his life. He gasps when Jared’s anus gives a tight squeeze around him and dives into a deep kiss. “Fuck, Jared. Do that again.” Thankfully, the man does and Jensen’s spiraling towards an orgasm so quickly he’d be embarrassed had the blood in his brain not already vacated the premises and took up residence in his dick.

Jared tilts his head to the side and kisses Jensen until the doctor releases Jared’s hips and he’s free to do wicked things with them. He gets his feet under him and lifts up. With his hands on Jensen’s shoulders, he’s able to pick up a rhythm, dropping down onto Jensen’s cock and pulling up slowly. There’s a bit of pain from his middle but he works around it. The way Jensen’s dick curves is doing naughty things to Jared’s insides, sending a dribble of come out to smear across their middles.

Things start to break down as the feelings intensify.

They are uncoordinated, teeth nipping too hard at each other’s lips, foreheads bumping together, cramps building in Jared’s legs. There is a learning curve and Jared’s glad they are getting a start on that because with a little practice, they are going to be phenomenal. Even with all the ungraceful elements, Jared’s heart is still beating a mile a minute and he’s basking in the love he has for Jensen.

“Fuck, Jared…you keep moving…this is all going to be over too soon.” Jensen grits his teeth and lets out the filthiest moan Jared’s ever heard. His hips buck up into Jared, leaving them both gasping.

“Me too,” Jared ekes out, his hips lifting up and circling back down. He’s a goner when Jensen’s hand wraps around his dick, a move that Jensen’s gotten good at. He pumps Jared in time with the way the man is riding Jensen. It makes Jared’s toes curl and his entrance quiver around Jensen’s arousal.

Then it’s over like it began: quick and messy and unexpectedly.

Jared shoots first, taking the inspiration to come from the way he’s reduced Jensen to a sweaty, babbling mess. He’s barely able to rock his hips, making it a good thing that Jensen’s orgasm chases directly after Jared’s.

They tremble and shiver, latching onto each other and when the afterglow sets in, Jared lifts up and off Jensen’s dick so he can sink down beside him in the bed.

“That was unexpected,” Jensen says with a smile on his face. His lungs are working hard to catch his breath but he manages to give an open mouthed smile to Jared.

“Yeah. Your turn to be surprised.” Jared grabs Jensen’s hand and kisses the middle of the palm. “Was it okay?”

“More than…”

“Good, because it’ll get better than that, you know, when we have time and figure each other out. But even if we don’t, even if we’re a mess, it still felt pretty damn good to come all over that perfect body of yours.” Snickering, Jared buries his face in the sweaty nape of Jensen’s neck and inhales.

Jensen snorts. “It was like…beginner sex. Because, Jared, we’ve spent most our relationship taking the time to go back to the beginning and figure out how we can have the lives we always wanted. And sex? That’s going to be something earth shaking between us. Just wait till the confidence sets in.”

“I accept that challenge,” Jared adds with a laugh. He’s still healing up, emotionally and physically. The wounds he’s carrying around with him are closing up and it gives him hope that Jensen’s are too.

If they are perfect together with battle scars, Jared can’t help but wonder how inseparable they will be if they put in enough time to fully heal.

Instead of facing the future with trepidation, Jared can’t wait.


	9. Epilogue

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/14188820450/)

 Jared startles as Jensen steps into the shower behind him. He's been standing under the hot spray of water for so long that he's lost track of time and found himself in a trance. He snaps to attention when he notices Jensen's smirk and the man's green eyes scanning over his body. "Hey," he says soft enough to be heard over the running water.

"Hey," Jensen breathes out as he slots their bodies together, landing them both under the water and dampening his hair and face so that droplets fall from his eyelashes when he pushes them up against the wall and starts kissing Jared's neck. "Sophie’s asleep," he murmurs like it means so much more.

"Oh, yeah?" Jared says with a smirk of his own. He lets his head fall back against the tiled wall and widens his stance so Jensen can place a leg in the space between.

"Yeah," comes the gravely reply as Jensen kisses every available spot on Jared's neck, traveling up and down and even paying attention to the man's collar bone.

Jared purrs. Yes, he's exhausted, but he and Jensen haven't had much time to themselves lately and he's not going to waste a perfectly good moment. With their wedding and Sophie being mobile enough to skip over walking completely and squeal with delight over running, they’re _tired_. He lets go of the tension in his body and melts, eyes closed and lips parted. He can predict the moment when Jensen's kisses will trail upward towards his lips and is prepared for meeting Jensen's kiss with just as much passion and want.

They make out so long that Jared's surprised the shower hasn't gone cold. They're slippery and wet and trying to paw at each other but Jensen wins, flipping Jared so that he's belly down against the shower wall. His feet are still planted far enough apart to be an inverted V and Jensen drops to his knees, palming the meat of Jared's ass and spreading it wide enough to reveal his puckered entrance.

All Jared gets in is a shiver before Jensen's tongue is on him and in him. The man licks a solid trail over Jared's entrance and then delves inside. Jensen's _thorough_ , making sure to eat Jared out until he's a moaning, quivering mess. Jared moans each and every time he feels Jensen's tongue tugging at the edge of the ring of muscle and lets out breathy sighs when fingers are added to the mix.

"God, you're so perfect like this," Jensen gets out as he pulls away for air. He lets out a moan of his own and goes back to making Jared fall apart spectacularly.

"'nuff, Jen. I'm good. Want your dick more than I want your fingers right now." Jared twists his head to try and meet Jensen's gaze but it's futile. Jensen's still got his face buried in the parting of Jared's ass and he doesn't seem ready to stop until he decides so. From this angle, Jared can see that Jensen's working his own dick, which makes a burst of arousal blossom in Jared's belly. He loves how much Jensen gets off on making him feel good. "Jen..." He whines again.

“Baby, I can get you off this way,” Jensen says as he nips at Jared’s ass. “We don’t have a condom and –”

“Do we need one?” Jared twists so he can read Jensen’s reaction.

Jensen’s frozen for the most part but his lips hitch tentatively, like he’s afraid to get too excited about Jared’s question. “Jared…”

“Sophie’s one and a half. I figure…we did pretty good with one kid and a little over two years is a good gap between siblings. So…you know…if you want to…”

Jensen _wants_ to and proves it by getting to his feet and hooking an arm around Jared's waist so as to pull the man's hips out. It leaves Jared to brace himself on his forearms against the wall. “Fuck, yes, Jared. I want as many babies as you want to give me.” He sucks at Jared’s neck and hums his excitement into the flesh there. “You really want this? Tell me you do. Please?”

“Yeah, I do. I want to do _that_ – get pregnant – again all over with you. This time I want to start from the beginning.” Jared sighs at the feel of Jensen’s kisses on his neck and across his shoulder blades. He _does_ want it but hadn’t thought of the right time to bridge the conversation with Jensen. Sophie is amazing and they’re great with her. Another baby could only increase that but considering how busy their lives are, he wasn’t sure how the conversation would go. Based on the way Jensen is rutting into him, the man’s just as excited at the prospect as Jared is.

Fitting their bodies together again, Jensen holds Jared open while he lines up and thrusts inside, letting out a pleasurable groan as inch by inch of his blood-thick length gets swallowed up by Jared's greedy hole.

Jared feels every one of those inches. He feels the way they stretch him wider than any of Jensen's fingers could and give him that satisfied 'full' feeling when Jensen bottoms out. They both freeze to savor the moment, their breathing growing as frantic as their heart rates. It’s even more intense because Jensen’s bare and that comes with a certain promise.

Then everything speeds up. Jensen keeps holding Jared's hips in place but jack hammers his own so that he's giving Jared's ass a thorough pounding. It's exactly what Jared needs right now. He needs something to take his breath away and make him feel sexy. Considering all the time he's spending with the baby, that's something that's lacking at the current moment - not for Jensen's lack of trying. Jared's pretty sure Jensen will find him sexy if he wore a burlap bag. But he's definitely happier to feel like the sexy man Jensen thinks he is when he's getting a fucking that will send him soaring.

The pleasure builds up and he can tell by the way Jensen's strokes are getting more punctuated that the man's going to come. Jensen knows too, which is why he starts fisting Jared's length in tune with his hips. They fall apart one moment at a time, Jared splattering his come against the tiles before Jensen loses it and shoots ropes of come to paint Jared's insides.

Jared's glad they're in the shower and the water is still warmish because if they'd been in the bed, he'd have no energy to actually clean up the mess they'd just made.

He's also glad Jensen’s functioning enough to hold both of their weights up.

He loves his husband. 

**THE END**

 

 

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/14188193468/)


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